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In the Virtuous Shadows of the Lost and Found

Discussion in 'UHall' started by Crag Toadystoner, Apr 30, 2010.

  1. Private Crag was proud of himself. He had made the big time. No more pickpocket nonsense for me. No more back alley dice games to make ends meet. No more meeting ends on the street, or ending meets with a game of dice. I've finally got a legitimate job. Crag watched from his post at the door of the dimly lit room, thinking to himself the room was nearly as dimly lit as his own wit, but then realized that he hadn't the wit to think about it in the first place, and let the thought pass safely through his left ear, and on into the nether. There were only two people in this room besides himself... well, they weren't actually beside him, more like, over there, in the center of the room, but regardless, they were well above his minimum wage pay scale. Yep, this is the big time.

    In the center of the room, a glowing orb cast a fainting blue light that caused the man in uniform to pass out into the unusually revealing, intimidating, and altogether disgusting arms of a woman whose clothing made her look much like a clown at an inn with a horse-thru window. The man, prior to passing out like a panzy because of a silly blue light, had been a high ranking officer in the Lost and Found Faction. The woman was none other than the dark mistress, goddess of whips and chains, Minax the Strangely Breasted.

    Lieutenant Toadystoner broke the silence, exclaiming, "Wow, those were pretty colors!" and then standing up quickly, backing away from Minax. Then he looked back and realized that he had been standing there for a purpose in the first place. "See, my mistress, it is as I told you. That which has been lost has been found!"

    "No ****. This is the Lost and Found."

    In the glowing crystal ball, Minax watched Queen Dawn, Dexter, Avery, and Sherry the Mouse as they discussed the discovery of Lord British's secret sex toy vault a few weeks prior.

    "Toadystoner, you have done well..." Minax picked up the ball from its stand and gripped it tightly. "Soon I will have my lost ben wa... err... crystal again, and with Lord British gone there will be no one to stop me from whipping... ruling all of Trammel!" She let out a hearty laugh, twisting the ends of her waxy moustache, as she stared up at the tiny images that, since they were coming from the crystal ball she just picked up, clearly she must have raised the crystal ball up in order to look at them.

    From his post at the doorway, Crag was impressed by the appropriateness of her laugh after making such a statement, and even doubly-so impressed by the flair with which she handled her facial hair. This was exactly the kind of thing he had expected from Drama Club, but since the theater had been burnt down, the Lost and Found Office had turned out to be the next best thing.

    "Now that we know where it is, how will we get it, my queen?" said Lieutenant Toadystoner bowing.

    A blast of lightning, popping out of nowhere as most bolts of lightning do, picked up Lieutenant Toadystoner and, in a move much more fitting for Freddy Knifefingers from down on Elm Street, tossed him over against the wall and hung him up on the previously unmentioned coat peg on the furthest available wall. "That is the wrong question, Toadystoner!" Minax screeched, sounding like a velociraptor who was staring at a bogling. She then resumed her alluring posture, coming onto the lightning bolt saying, "I need you to power my..." and realized that she was speaking aloud again. A quick cough and an adjustment of her moustache, she continued, "Now, try again."

    There was no answer, just a thud. Minax turned back toward Toadystoner, though she couldn't exactly remember having turned away from him, given that she'd just summoned forth the lightning bolt that had *****-slapped him. Rolling her crystal ball across the floor, knocking over ten neatly arranged hangover potions from that ***** Jaana, Minax then rolled her eyes across the floor too. As she picked them up, putting them back into their respective eyeslots, she said, "Really Toadystoner, there is no reason to grovel. The correct question... well, okay, answer... whatever, Common wasn't my major at Warthog's School of Maniacal Moustached Mangling Sorceresses... anyway, the..." Then she thought for a moment, and a sound much like a train rushing into a tunnel, if she had known what a train was, made a vacuumous escape from her lips. "The question is, YOU will get it for me."

    Applying a new layer of mascara to her already well-caked eyelashes, she realized she'd killed him. Tossing her bottle of mascara at Toadystoner's corpse, she opened a gate, and then looked at the lightning bolt. "Take him into Moonglow, and stop by Victoria's Secret. I need some new Cover Girl Long Lasting Witchlash Mascara."

    Spinning, for several seconds, on her heels, she then turned to face Crag. "Get my crystal back!"

    Suddenly some really aweful music came out of nowhere, and Crag started dancing. "I'm bringing crystal back. Yeah."

    Minax let out a huge laugh, and her dangerous, big, red smile revealed her huge, glistening teeth, and she looked at him like a Minocian Highlander looks at a sheep in heat. Taking her index fingers and placing them together, then arcing them away from each other in the shape of an "M," symbolizing her own name, she approved. "I'm lovin' it."

    "Yes, ma'am." Crag watched breathlessly as Minax passed the doorway, turned, and disappeared down the hall. A few moments later, he died, for he completely forgot to start breathing again.

    This is why good will always win. Evil is stupid.
     
  2. Martyna Zmuir

    Martyna Zmuir Crazed Zealot

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    *applauds his courage*
     
  3. *bows*

    Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress. Preferably not too far to the left though.
     
  4. Basara

    Basara UO Forum Moderator
    Moderator Professional Wiki Moderator Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend Campaign Supporter

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    "Please return your stewardess to her original upright position..."
     
  5. Martyna Zmuir

    Martyna Zmuir Crazed Zealot

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    *shameless bump*

    This is better than the official fiction...
     
  6. siyeng0

    siyeng0 Guest

    ...this is strangely delightful.
     
  7. tink'r_toiz

    tink'r_toiz Journeyman
    Stratics Veteran

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    This gives me hope... if nothing else our players originality will save this game from the well meaning but hugely failing attempts at fiction that emanate from the official sources.

    I have to borrow this line ... "I'm loving it"!!!!!!!!!!!