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Joke Thread!

Discussion in 'UO Origin' started by Guest, Jan 5, 2006.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    You know it would be really nice if we could have a daily joke thread!! We don't so I hope Miss Brae and Mr Orv are okies with me doing a joke thread!

    Heres my first!

    An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

    His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
    The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

    A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

    After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

    Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"

    Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

    The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
    The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"
     
  2. Kai Allard

    Kai Allard Guest

    *laughs* [​IMG]

    My turn I guess [​IMG]

    A Teacher says to her class,
    "It is a known fact that Animals do not stutter"

    Little Timmy at the back of the class raises his
    hand and says, "Are you sure Miss?"

    Teacher says, "Yes Timmy, why?"

    Little timmy, "Well the other day my nieghbors Dog
    got into our backyard and my Cat went, fft!... fft!.. fft!...
    and before he could say F#%@ Off! the Dog ate him"
     
  3. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    OMG!! LMFAO!! *tries to catch her breath* I dont know if I'm laughing because it's late, but that was funny!!

    Ok, mods, please please sticky this, what a great idea! Here's mine [​IMG]

    Oh, fyi, I must be an oddball lawyer-person, because I actually LOVE lawyer jokes! So, I have a ton!


    Subject: Think you're having a bad day?


    An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing
    day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Walter
    Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-
    minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
    feeling tired and depressed.

    As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What
    time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
    went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a
    long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic
    remarks.


    While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered
    and was told that her husband's client, Walter Wright, had been
    granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he
    must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him
    the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her
    husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.



    "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

    The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying
    out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"
     
  4. Guest

    Guest Guest

    hahahah!
     
  5. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <blockquote><hr>

    I hope Miss Brae and Mr Orv are okies with me doing a joke thread!

    [/ QUOTE ]

    As long as the jokes stay clean and within the RoC, I say Huzzah! Good jokes so far! Thanks for the morning laughs [​IMG]
     
  6. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Of course!!

    Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

    The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
     
  7. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Here ya go Jade!!

    A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so darned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
     
  8. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    OMG Girl!! Tooooo funny [​IMG]

    ~~
    One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced
    that a friend had told her where babies come from.

    Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

    The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their
    clothes, and then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts
    it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get
    babies."

    Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and
    said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies.
    That's how you get jewelry."
     
  9. A man is strolling down a beach in California one day and trips over something in the sand. He bends down and picks it up and starts to wipe sand off it. About this time a Genie pops out and thanks the man profusely for releasing him and that he will give the man any one wish he desires. The man thinks for a bit and says "well I don't like boats and I hate planes but I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. My wish is for you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii". The genie says "I don't know that would be an almost impossible feat. Isn't there anything else you would like?". The man thinks for a bit and says "ok, I'll forget about the bridge if you can make it so I can understand women". The genie replies "so, how many lanes would you like on that bridge?".
     
  10. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    I had to add two for today, just because the last line got me [​IMG]

    A Pathetically Honest Resume

    OBJECTIVE: To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

    EDUCATION: School: Very Expensive

    Major: Not Important

    GPA: Don't Ask

    EMPLOYMENT:

    NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)

    Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.

    MONEY MANAGEMENT(4/97-12/99)

    Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.

    COMPUTER SKILLS:

    *Solitaire

    *Minesweeper

    *On/Off Repair Method

    HONORS AND AWARDS:

    *First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament

    *Said Toast at brother's wedding

    *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

    For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
     
  11. Artemus

    Artemus Adventurer
    Stratics Veteran

    Joined:
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    There was a homeless man walking on the beach early one morning looking for anything he could get money for so he could buy some food and eat that day. As he l walked his foot hit something in the sand. He dug this bottle out and while wiping it off, watched a genie come out of the bottle.


    He stood there stunned as the genie began to speak. “I am the genie in the jar. I will grant you 3 wishes, but must inform you that I am a fair genie. Anything you ask you will have, but to the person you have anger and bitterness towards, that person shall receive twice as much as you so you can learn to give to those who have hurt you.”



    The genie continued, “I sense great bitterness toward your ex-wife.” The man told the genie how the last 2 years of divorce court cost him everything that his ex-wife didn’t take, and now he was penniless and homeless.



    The genie was happy to help this poor man and said he could begin with his 3 wishes now. The man blurted out, “I need money.” The genie asked, “How much?” and the man responded, “A million… no 5 million dollars.” The genie said, “OK, just remember your ex-wife is getting 10 million dollars,” and the man said, “Fine, just do it.”



    Poof… there was 5 million dollars in a pile so big the man was astounded to see that kind of cash. but looked with envy at his ex wife's pile...



    He then thought about being homeless, and told the genie he wanted a big 10 bedroom mansion right here on the beach; swimming pool, game room and all.



    Poof… there was a huge home on the beach with a really big place next store. The genie pointed and said, “That’s your ex-wife’s,” and the man nodded thinking "Great there goes the neighborhood".



    The genie said, “This is your third and final wish, choose carefully.” The man stopped for a long while to think. The genie was feeling pretty good about the change in the man’s attitude, but was a bit surprised when the man handed him the stick he had been holding and asked “Can you please beat me half to death?”
     
  12. CassieDarksong

    CassieDarksong Babbling Loonie
    Stratics Veteran

    Joined:
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    An Elf, Human and Dwarf were all sittin' around the pub one day having a pint of ale. Suddenly, in the strangest coincidence, 3 flies land simultaneously, 1 in each of the 3 pints.

    Well, the Elf is properly disgusted and in the best Common declares, "Oh my! This is disgusting! I can't possibly drink it. Barkeep? Bring me another pint and take this rot away."

    The barkeep removes the offending brew and quickly replaces it with a fresh glass. The contented Elf continues with his ale.

    The Human, having observed the Elf's rather prudish response, gets a wicked sly grin, picks up his glass declaring in his thick brogue, "Aye, it's just a wee bit'o protein, idn' it?" and downs the pint, fly and all.

    He turns to the Dwarf, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and is about to say something when he notices that the Dwarf is turning a bright, angry shade of red and glaring violently down into his pint. Suddenly, the Dwarf thrusts his thumb and forefinger into the pint glass, grabs the fly and starts violently shaking it over the glass yelling, "Spit it out, you wee [censored]! Spit it out!!!"
     
  13. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY



    LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

    AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

    I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

    SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

    AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

    I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

    I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

    WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.
    ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

    I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

    SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

    AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

    "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

    SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND COWORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

    AND I JUST SAT THERE...

    ON THE COUCH...

    NAKED.
     
  14. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    Dear Employee:

    As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
    are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

    Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
    retirement,
    thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our
    future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of
    the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
    immediately.

    This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
    Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
    jobs outside the company.

    SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
    before actual retirement takes place.

    This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
    SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees
    who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
    management.

    This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
    SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
    company deems appropriate.

    If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
    get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
    or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

    As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
    received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
    company.

    Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
    that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
    our:

    Special High Intensity Training (SH*T).

    We take pride in the amount of SH*T our employees receive. We have given
    our employees more SH*T than any company in this area.
    If any employee
    feels they do not receive enough SH*T on the job, see your immediate
    Supervisor.

    Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
    SH*T you can stand.

    And, once again,
    thanks for all your years of service with us.

    Best regards,

    Your HR Dept.
     
  15. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    A Letter Good Bye :





    A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

    "Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.



    But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant maybe with twins, we find out later this week. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that weed doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the coke and xstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Love, your son,
    John.


    P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
    I love you!
    Call when it is safe for me to come home."

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  16. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    Don’t make this mistake. . . .

    A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
    and he said to her,

    "Just so you know,
    I never want to live in a vegetative state,
    dependent on some machine
    and fluids from a bottle.
    If that ever happens,
    just pull the plug."

    His wife got up,
    Kissed him ever so gently,
    unplugged the Computer
    and threw out all of his beer!

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  17. Guest

    Guest Guest

  18. Well i would tell i joke but as you know sounder, most of my jokes would prolly get me yelled at from brae or someone for saying such things hehe
     
  19. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
    classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
    The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

    What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
    head, hoping for the best:

    1. No need to boil.
    2. Never goes sour.
    3. Available whenever necessary.

    So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.
    Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled,
    then sighed again.

    Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
    scribbled his definitive answer:

    4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

    He received an A+.
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  20. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still
    winter," I replied. "Forget it."
    In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that
    it was still too cold to paint.
    In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the
    ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer.
    As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a
    neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit
    there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the
    house?"
    Glancing up at my wife, I responded,

    "She doesn't like Beer."
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  21. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    Remember I dont write these, I just pass them along so we all can get a Laugh [​IMG]

    I have learned that if you upset your Wife or Girlfriend she nags you.....

    If you upset her even more you get the silent treatmeant.

    Don't you think it'sworth the extra effort???
    ``````````````````````````````

    When your Girl asks, "Do I look fat?"

    The Correct Response is, “Do I look Stupid?”
    ````````````````````````
     
  22. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
    I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
    about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
    and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
    of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
    to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
    dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
    ~ Jack Handy

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
    the hell happened to your underwear!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
    wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
    going to feel all day. "
    ~Frank Sinatra

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
    ~ Henny Youngman

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
    I think not."
    ~ Suicide Bard

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
    we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
    When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
    get drunk and go to heaven!"
    ~ Brian O'Rourke

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
    us to be happy."
    ~ Benjamin Franklin
    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a ******.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Without question, the greatest invention in the
    history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
    wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
    not go nearly as well with pizza."
    ~ Dave Barry

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
    ~ Dave Howell

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    And
    saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
    of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
    Here's how it went:

    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
    can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
    the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
    at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
    good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
    regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
    slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
    know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.


    AMEN!!!!
     
  23. Elsgaroth

    Elsgaroth Guest

    There was an elderly man and woman that was married 50 years, kids gone, and everything to enjoy.

    On the morning of their 50th anniversary, the elderly woman said, "Do you remember when we used to sit at the table naked in the mornings during our first ten years of marriage?"

    The husband replied, "Of course. We were too tired to dress".

    "Well i think we should do it again," the wife stated.

    After they got undressed the wife said,"This brings back so many memories. Like this warm feeling in my breasts"

    "Well,'' said the husband, "that's because you havbe one in your eggs and the other in your grits"



    P.S.
    This joke was produced by Wealdgard
     
  24. Kai Allard

    Kai Allard Guest

    How do you make 12 Pounds of Fat look attractive?

    Put a nipple on it

    *runs and hides*
     
  25. Guest

    Guest Guest

  26. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
    ```````````````````````````

    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
    purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
    figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
    ```````````````````
    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
    upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider or a little mouse.
    ````````````````

    MARRIAGE SEMINAR
    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
    Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
    husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes."
    He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
    "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
    ````````````````````````````

    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
    string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
    your wife?
    He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
    store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
    tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

    (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
    ``````````````````

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
    concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
    sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "my in-laws."
    ````````````````````````

    W O R D S
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
    day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
    to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
    ````````````````````````

    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
    so beautiful all at the same time.
    "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
    would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
    ```````````````````````

    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
    each morning.
    The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
    don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
    The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
    do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
    the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
    top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
    "HEBREWS"
    ``````````````````````````

    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
    other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
    would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
    flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
    wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
    knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
    had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
    hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
    The paper said,
    "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
    ````````````````````

    God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
    rough draft before the masterpiece.
     
  27. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    DEFINITION of UGLY

    AN UGLY WOMAN WALKS INTO A SHOP WITH HER TWO KIDS.

    THE SHOPKEEPER ASKS" ARE THEY TWINS"?

    THE WOMANS SAYS" NO, HE'S 9 AND SHE'S 7

    WHY? DO YOU THINK THEY LOOK ALIKE?

    "NO" HE REPLIES I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE GOT WITH YOU TWICE!
    [​IMG]

    `````````````````````
    To Be 6 Again

    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

    Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
    I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

    What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

    He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&amp;M's. What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again??

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

    I meant my dress size, you ******!

    The moral of the story:
    Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
     
  28. Guest

    Guest Guest

    New Pressure Sensitive Passowrds!
    These are actual lines quoted from 3 email between me and a client.

    user: I tried to check it out but my login and password don’t work. It says “wrong password”. I don’t know what other password to give it?

    me: I just tested it and your user name and password work fine. Please try again.

    user: Okay, If I hit the enter key on my keyboard a little hard it works.

    [​IMG]
     
  29. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids:


    Mess Test:
    Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

    Toy Test:
    Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego's (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

    Grocery Store Test:
    Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

    Dressing Test:
    Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

    Feeding Test:
    Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

    Night Test:
    Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

    Ingenuity Test:
    Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

    Automobile Test:
    Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

    Physical Test: (Women)
    Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

    Physical Test: (Men)
    Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
     
  30. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    Ex-Husband

    This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

    The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

    "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

    "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
     
  31. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Another True Story more than a joke but I thought it was hilarious. Hope no one knows this guy, if so my apologies.

    Mouse Thrown Into Fire Gets Its Revenge

    Fort Sumner, N.M.

    A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire.

    Luciano Mares, 81. of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it.

    "I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house," Mares said from a hotel room on Saturday.

    Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house.

    The home was destroyed.

    Kitsap Sun news services
     
  32. deadpoet4

    deadpoet4 Guest

    You know you've been spending too much time on UO...

    When you go to the dry cleaners, and when they hand you your receipt you ask "don't I get a BOD with that?"
     
  33. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    W.I.C.O.E.
    (Women In Charge Of Everything)

    is proud to announce the opening of its
    EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
    OPEN TO MEN ONLY

    Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
    accept a maximum of eight participants
    The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
    DAY ONE:

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Roundtable discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET &amp; FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES &amp; SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
    Debate among a panel of experts.

    REMOTE CONTROL
    Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
    upside down while screaming - Open forum


    DAY TWO:

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN/TRASH?
    Group discussion and role playing available if needed.

    HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
    PowerPoint presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the ONE man who did

    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
    Driving simulation a must to pass class.

    LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
    Online class and role playing

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES &amp; CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
    Bring your calendar or PDA to class, Paper will be available if needed for a charge of $1.00 per sheet, writing items $2.00 deposit (refundable, up on passing class)

    GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
    Individual counselors available.


    [​IMG]
     
  34. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

    Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

    Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

    Remember Always Always ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®. Before using this product.
     
  35. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts


    1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

    2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

    3. I will get dressed before noon.

    4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

    5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

    6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

    7. I will read a book...if I still remember how.

    8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

    9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

    10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

    11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

    12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
     
  36. Guest

    Guest Guest

    How many OSI stratics moderators does it take to screw in a light bulb?


    All of them!
     
  37. glbanksitter

    glbanksitter Certifiable
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend

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    God, I've got a good bunch of Jokes, But I'll get in trouble if I post em all on Stratics. Heres a Clean one though:


    Because I'm a man
    _______________________________________________
    Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a coat
    hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I
    will win.
    _______________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
    hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
    shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
    things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where
    to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of
    holy communion.
    _______________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
    take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
    as sick as I do, so for you this is no problem.
    _______________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
    store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
    "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
    _______________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
    on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
    much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
    ___________________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
    while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
    looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
    calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
    _______________________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
    The true answer is always either sex, food, cars, or sport. I have to make up
    something else and lie when you ask, so don't ask.
    _______________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your Mother
    come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
    than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to
    see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
    _______________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
    are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling
    amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and
    recommend it to others.
    _______________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
    were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
    With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
    Can we just go now?
    _______________________________________________

    Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share
    equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning the
    vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around
    in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
    ______________________________________________

    This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men
     
  38. glbanksitter

    glbanksitter Certifiable
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend

    Joined:
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    Here's another one:

    A Widow's Letter To God:

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

    Dear God,

    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
    someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
    until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited
    two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to
    buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can
    you please help me?

    Sincerely,

    Edna

    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

    Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
    gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
    We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
    By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
    ****s at the Post Office.
     
  39. glbanksitter

    glbanksitter Certifiable
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend

    Joined:
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    Bill Gates at the Pearly Gates:

    In 2050 A.D. Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

    "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

    Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

    God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

    "Fine, but where should I go first?"

    God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

    Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

    So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

    "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

    "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

    Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

    "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

    So Bill Gates went to Hell.

    Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

    "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

    Bill responded -- his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

    God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."
     
  40. glbanksitter

    glbanksitter Certifiable
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend

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    Symptoms of The Bird Flu:

    Symptoms of Bird Flu

    The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

    1. High fever
    2. Congestion
    3. Nausea
    4. Fatigue
    5. Aching in the joints
    6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield
     
  41. glbanksitter

    glbanksitter Certifiable
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend

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    Calling Tech Support:

    Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
    Tech Support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
    Customer: Yeah....
    Tech Support: And what sort of computer are you using?
    Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
    Tech Support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

    ===============

    Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
    Female Customer: A white one...

    ===============

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

    ===============

    Tech Support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?

    ===============

    Tech Support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male Customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

    ===============

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

    ===============

    Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah....................thank you..

    ===============

    Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

    ===============

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech Support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer: OK
    Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

    ===============

    Tech Support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

    ===============

    Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
    Tech Support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.

    ===============

    Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

    ===============

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

    ===============

    Tech Support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

    ===============

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    Tech Support: Are you running it under 'Windows'?
    Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

    ===============

    And last but not least:....

    Tech Support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the 'Program Manager'.
    Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech Support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
     
  42. Guest

    Guest Guest

    One Liner
    Why do women like circumcised men? Because they can't resist 10% off.

    Joke 1
    An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

    Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

    "In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

    At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

    Joke 2
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
     
  43. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before
    the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

    The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it?" The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

    Joke 2
    This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

    He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"

    But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

    But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"

    A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
     
  44. CassieDarksong

    CassieDarksong Babbling Loonie
    Stratics Veteran

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    *groans at the tech support* It would be funny if I wasnt at the receiving end of some of those calls....
     
  45. CassieDarksong

    CassieDarksong Babbling Loonie
    Stratics Veteran

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    The buzzword in today's business world is
    MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple
    explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

    Let's say you are a woman. You see a handsome guy at a
    party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

    That's Direct Marketing.


    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see
    a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him
    and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."


    That's Advertising.


    You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
    him and get his telephone number. The next day you
    call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

    That's Telemarketing.

    You see a guy at a party, you straighten your
    dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You
    say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie,
    brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
    then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

    That's Public Relations.

    You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He
    walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic
    in bed."

    That's Brand Recognition.

    You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He
    fancies you, but you talk him into going home with
    your friend.

    That's a Sales Rep.

    Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

    That's Tech Support.

    You're on your way to a party when you realize
    that there could be handsome men in all these houses
    you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
    situated towards the center and shout at the top of
    your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

    That's Junk Mail.
     
  46. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good looking guy sitting at the bar by himself.

    She walks over to him and asks him what he is drinking.

    "Magic Beer", he says.

    She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar; but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

    "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

    The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

    He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

    She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

    The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real arsewhole when you're drunk."
     
  47. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!

    She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, “Watch out for that f*cking wall!”

    Q &amp; A
    Q: How do you confuse an archaeologist?
    A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

    Joke 2
    A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

    She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

    Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

    A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
     
  48. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

    When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

    "I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

    Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

    Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

    After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

    Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

    Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

    "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

    Joke 2
    A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'

    The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'

    At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
    'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.'
     
  49. CassieDarksong

    CassieDarksong Babbling Loonie
    Stratics Veteran

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2004
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    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

    The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My loving wife
    Subject: I have arrived
    Date: October 16th 2004

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
    Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
     
  50. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

    The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

    She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

    Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

    She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

    She says, "I want the kids, too."

    The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

    She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

    The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

    The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

    She asks, "What's that?"

    The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
    the airbag!"

    Joke 2
    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

    After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

    The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

    By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"