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[News] The Siege Inquisitor, frozen edition

Discussion in 'UO Siege Perilous' started by Guest, Dec 23, 2006.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <table width="100%"> <tr> <td height="120" background="http://images.stratics.com/uoss/newspics/siege/back_blue_gold.jpg"> <table> <tr> <td width="30px"> <marquee height="120" scrollamount="1.5" behavior="scroll" direction="down"> [​IMG]</marquee> </td> <td width="10px"> </td> <td width="50px"> <marquee height="120" scrollamount="3" behavior="scroll" direction="down"> [​IMG]</marquee> </td> <td width="10px"> </td> <td width="30px"> <marquee height="120" scrollamount="2" behavior="scroll" direction="down"> [​IMG]</marquee> </td> <td width="300px" align="center"> [​IMG] </td> <td width="40px"> <marquee height="120" scrollamount="3" behavior="scroll" direction="down"> [​IMG]</marquee> </td> <td width="20px"> </td> <td width="40px"> <marquee height="120" scrollamount="2" behavior="scroll" direction="down"> [​IMG]</marquee> </td> <td width="10px"> </td> <td width="40px"> <marquee height="120" scrollamount="5" behavior="scroll" direction="down"> [​IMG]</marquee> </td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> </table> <table width="100%" border="0"> <tr> <td align="center"> 3% of your bases are belong to us!</td> </tr> </table> <table width="100%"> <tr> <td width="175" valign="top"> <table border="0" width="100%"> <tr> <td bgcolor="red"> <font size="4" color="white">N E W S</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> Wintermoor Expands!
    As many have noticed, the lands are rather white of late. While no proof has been found, all fingers appear to be pointing to Py Lethius, who has been spotted franticly shovelling snow onto packhorses many nights during the past month.
    <font size="3">(more on pg 6)</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="red"> <font size="4" color="white">S P O R T S</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> A loud explosion near Luna has led to the temporary closure of the bagball arena.
    Apparently round blackrocks do not make good bagball substitutes. <font size="3">(more on back page)</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="red"> <font size="4" color="white">C U L T U R E</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> A failed attempt to bring culture to Siege has, thankfully, been stopped in the planning stage. The guilty parties will be forced to take part in a mud-wrestling contest in Zento's duck pond this weekend.
    <font size="3">(more on page 3)</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="red"> <font size="4" color="white">A L C H E M Y</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> Breakthrough in greater cure potion research!
    Encyclopedia Magincia officials today revealed that there is a way to regain full strength instantly by combining a greater heal potion with...
    <font size="3">(more on page 21)</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="red"> <font size="4" color="white">S O C I E T Y</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> WyRm to wed? Again?

    Rumors abound! Or, at least, they did. We haven't been able to find any of our sources lately for some strange reason. In other news, a new blood bank has opened in Homare. </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="red"> <font size="4" color="white">O B I T U A R I E S</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> [​IMG] It seems there have been many deaths in the land this month, many of them weapon and magic-related.
    <font size="3">(full list on pages 10-16)</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="red"> <font size="4" color="white">P A G E&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp T H R E E</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="black" align="center"> [​IMG] </td> </tr> <tr> <td> What the picture-imp saw! </td> </tr> </table> </td> <td valign="top"> <table width="100%" border="0"> <tr> <td colspan="2" align="center" bgcolor="red"> <font color="white">N E W S&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp H E A D L I N E S </font> </td> <td bgcolor="red" align="center" width="33%"> <font color="white">A Seasonal Poem</font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="33%" valign="top"> Man bites Blackrock Elemental!

    A starving vampire had to be taken away for emergency treatment today, when he mistook a blackrock elemental for a miner, and sank his fangs into the dark beast's neck. The resulting explosion could be heard as far away as Delucia, and the vampire himself was eventually found hanging from the top of the lighthouse near Wyvern point.

    The Healer General has issued a statement recommending that no one else attempt to bite elementals of any kind.

    [​IMG] </td> <td width="23%" valign="top" height="120"> It's the end of the year as we know it...

    "...and I feel fine!" said former Iantown Mayor Kelmo, after being dug out of a particularly deep snow-drift.
    Apparently, the poor gent mistook the snow for a massive herd of sheep, and overcome with emotion, leapt before he looked.
    Nurse Maude has stated that the frostbite isn't too bad, but declined to comment on further injuries. </td> <td width="43%" valign="top" rowspan="7">
    'Twas the night before Mithras, when all through the land
    The great orc was stirring, axe firm in hand.
    His victims were hung by the chimney with care,
    Tied up and gagged and strung up by their hair.
    The gruntees were not sleeping in their beds,
    for fear that Mo'gluk would clomped their heads.

    And I in my bandana, tailoring a new robe,
    Had just settled down in front of the stove,
    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    I reached for a purple keg, the intruder to splatter.
    Away towards the window I flew like a flash,
    Staff also in hand, all ready to bash.

    I saw not the moon on the new-fallen snow
    But heard loud cursing of a cold orc below,
    When, what should my wondering ears then hear,
    But an orc trying to slay eight tiny reindeer.
    Their little old tamer was killed fairly quick,
    To visit orcs at night, you have to be quite thick.

    More rapid than gruntees toward food the looters came,
    while the orc screamed, and shouted, and called them by name.
    "Clomp, Dakgu! now, Dregu! yub, Prutha and Viguka!
    On, Curbag! on Cubub! on, Digdug and Brugagh!"
    Down there on my porch, beneath my tower wall,
    Orcs bash away! bash away! bash away all!

    As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
    When they meet with no tribuut, then it must die!
    So off to the skies the stolen sled flew,
    With the sleigh full of toys, and a fat orc too.
    And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
    The thumping and clomping of great heavy boots!

    As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
    Down the chimney St. Mo'gluk came with a bound.
    He was dressed in stolen fur, from his head to his foot,
    And his clothes were all tarnished with bashes and loot;
    A bundle of toys he had flung over his arm,
    And he smelled rather nasty, like the goats on the farm.

    His teeth how they rotted! His feet, how smelly!
    The stench of his toeses, like a rotten orc berry!
    His droll little mouth uttered a growl,
    And somewhere outside, a wolf began to howl;
    The stump of a bone he crunched in his teeth,
    And he failed to notice the flames on his pants seat.

    Bea said he'd a green face and a little round belly,
    That shook, when he snarled, and stole her jelly.
    He was chubby and plump, an orc, not an elf,
    And I was glad I couldn not see him, in spite of myself;
    A blow from his club and a twist of my head,
    Soon sent my world grey - help! I'm dead!

    He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
    And took all Bea's stockings; my! What a jerk.
    And laying green lips aside of her nose,
    With a clomp on her head, up the chimney they rose!
    He sprang to the sleigh, to his gruntees gave a whistle,
    And away they all ran to fight the Interred Grizzle.

    But I heard Mo'gluk exclaim, ere he drove away that night,
    "Happy Orcmas to all breedurz, and to all a good-fight!"
    </td> </tr> <tr> <td>

    Reapers infected by blackrock?
    "It wuz 'orrible! 'orrible, I tells yer!" said a rather tattered and bruised lumberjack, who came flying through the air, to land in our printing presses. (see page three for imprint) "They're all big and white and 'orrible!".

    Investigations into this strange phenomenon are continuing, but it is believed to be part of the ongoing infection of creatures by the strange substance.

    [​IMG] </td> <td valign="top"> Guards cause snow?

    Today, Lord British's court added to rumors of creeping senility amongst the ruling party, when they issued an edict requiring anyone who wishes to call the guards to file a request with the Royal Weather Bureau first.
    "We simply cannot have people causing all these massive disruptions in town." a spokesman for LB said. "Lightning bolts without clouds? It's unheard of."

    Apparently, a similar edict has been issued against the Council of Mages.
    The messengers who were supposed to deliver the ruling to the Council appear to have disappeared.
    In related news, a plague of frogs appears to have broken out in Magincia. </td> <td> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> "Inu false crone!"
    - Grizelda the Hag

    It has come to our attention that Inu the Crone may not actually be a crone after all.
    The well-known Hag of the land has presented the Courts of Truth in Yew with a large, yet smelly, book, which seems to be the rulebook for elderly ladies. If these accusations are proven, what will become of Inu? Does anyone actually care? And what's the story behind all those strange brews, anyway? </td> <td>

    Naked monks?
    According to reports from near Empath Abbey, there has been a remarkable shortage of monk's robes this winter.
    The head of the Abbey was horrified at the suggestion that one of the monks might be selling them off, while under the influence of the products of the nearby vinyard.
    "My monks? Concerned with wordly goods? Never!" He declared emphatically.
    "By the way, I am getting paid for this interview, aren't I?"

    </td> <td> </td> </tr> <tr> <td height="200">
    </td> <td>
    </td> <td>
    </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan="3"> <table border="0" width="100%"> <tr> <td colspan="3" bgcolor="red" align="center"> <font color="white">C L A S S I F I E D S </font> </td> <td> </td> <td> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> Part-time workStreet Sweepers wanted!
    At least until it stops snowing! Apply at all major towns! </td> <td> Urgently Wanted: Pet Air Freshener from the lands of Test Shard.
    Required by all who live near orcs. Will pay handsomly. </td> <td> Wanted: Ash Breedur. Lat must be bubbush cook an gud wiv foot-rubz.
    Apply Mo'gluk, the Orc Fort. </td> </tr> <tr> <td> Contract offered: One candy cane for every head of a dead gingerbread man eater.
    For more details, please come to Drury Lane. Ask for MM. </td> <td>

    The Blackrock Training School!

    Come one, come all! For only 10,000gp (gold only, bring no checks) you, too, can take part in OTF's magnificent training schedule!
    Specialised teachers have also been flown in from Homare! For this once in a lifetime chance to really gain some good skills, come to the desert NE of the Ophidian Lair!
    Don't delay! Train today! </td> <td valign="bottom"> Getcher Monk Robes! Getcher Monk Robes!
    The Winery, Yew. </td> </tr> <tr> <td> Job Offer:Needed - Wise Men.
    Due to the corruption of the Shrine of Wisdom, found upstairs in Luna, wise men are scarce nowadays.
    If three are willing to stand atop a house all day, staring at a mother and her child, please apply to Blind Otto. </td> <td> For Rent: One town, good condition, slightly blood-stained. One careful, previous owner.
    Apply at Wintermoor.

    </td> <td> REWARD!
    Have you seen Lord British?
    The royal courts are offering a substantial reward for information regarding his wherabouts, as well as the location of the royal silverware. </td> </tr> </table> </td> <td> </td> <td> </td> </tr> </table> </td> <td> </td> </tr> <tr> <td> </td> <td> </td> <td> </td> </tr> </table>
  2. *claps* bravo

    thank you BO
  3. Guest

    Guest Guest

    *chuckles* BO? Heh, that one may stick.

    Well done old friend. That snow drift story is just a malicious rumor!
  4. Guest

    Guest Guest

    great job as always!
  5. Ton80

    Ton80 Guest

    Yet another reason for the award!

    Well done.
  6. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Great report Otto!

    I would just like to point out though, that there has yet to be any permit request to cross the Mayor's desk for a mud wrestling event in Zento.

    And the town pond may contain a lot of footwear, as discovered in a recent pond trolling operation conducted by an Iantown task force, but it is NOT muddy. [​IMG]

  7. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Thanks for all you bring to the table BO ( I catch on quick sometimes :p ). You truly are a Siege Perilous community legend.

    ** Goes back to his 12 bottles, opps 11 bottles of<font color="green"> SMITHWYCKS</font>**
  8. *sniffs*

    BO? I know I TOLD him it was time for his annual trip to Bucs Den!
    Still, he did seem a little BlOtto at the time. *groans*

    As to the state of the Zento pond, I suspect he means that it will be muddy during and after the event, not before! Permits? Um... the ducks ate them! Yep, that's it. Ducks. Uh, huh.

    *starts vowing revenge for contents of page 3*
  9. Kimi_Mori

    Kimi_Mori Guest

    [​IMG] Very funny thanks.
  10. Guest

    Guest Guest

    *settles down by the fire with a pipe, an ale and the Inquisitor*
  11. imported_Falon of Eldor

    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend

    Jan 29, 2005
    Likes Received:
    *purchases a 2 dozen copies to send to family and friends*
  12. SavannahSP

    SavannahSP Guest

    Wow ... that is absolutely beautiful work. You honor us, my Lord.
  13. You put you're own wife on page three? That's just wrong....
  14. Guest

    Guest Guest


    You put you're own wife on page three? That's just wrong....

    [/ QUOTE ]

    He is blind, Daan. He could put the family ostard's pic there and wouldn't know the difference. [​IMG]

  15. Braille-iant *ogles*
  16. Mandolin

    Mandolin Guest

    Nice job as usual Otto!
  17. Guest

    Guest Guest

    that snow is here cause it is winter u nubhedz ! agh despite ull rumourz, i Emma nub gunna marry dat green guy !
  18. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I just report... fact checking's someone else's department.

    *psst* Bea? Do you think they bought it? No? Pass me that big braille scroll of excuses then!

    And... you mean that's NOT the family ostard? Oh dear. [​IMG]

    As to honoring you - ye have that backwards. Each and every one of you is worth it! Yes, even Puffy.

    *psst* Bea? Barricade the doors. Puffy'll be round to PK me soon, for that.
  19. Tempest_SP

    Tempest_SP Guest

    That is just awesome Blind Otto. It was a good laugh after 12 hours of hell at work last night.
  20. Xena Dragon

    Xena Dragon Guest


    Another great edition Otto. Well done !
  21. Otto thank you for all you have written during the year. You do make Siege proud.

    Merry Christmas to you and Bea.
  22. Lord_Puffy

    Lord_Puffy Crazed Zealot
    Stratics Veteran

    Mar 9, 2006
    Likes Received:

    I just report... fact checking's someone else's department.

    *psst* Bea? Do you think they bought it? No? Pass me that big braille scroll of excuses then!

    And... you mean that's NOT the family ostard? Oh dear. [​IMG]

    As to honoring you - ye have that backwards. Each and every one of you is worth it! Yes, even Puffy.

    *psst* Bea? Barricade the doors. Puffy'll be round to PK me soon, for that.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    yayyy even Puffy! Ill be waiting at your house [​IMG] I got a late x-mas gift for you Otto let me know when your avaiable to pick it up