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[News] The Siege Inquisitor

Discussion in 'UO Siege Perilous' started by Guest, Jun 30, 2006.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td valign="top"> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" valign="top" align="middle">[​IMG]</td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td valign="top" align="left" bgcolor="#71c0fb" width="150"> <table width="180" border="1"> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle">[​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td><font size="2">Gladiator death games in Jhelom.

    [​IMG]"You call that news??" 
    - local citizen

    </font></td></tr> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle">[​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td><font size="2">Tragedy in Luna Bagball arena

    [​IMG]500 mating slimes die horribly in mix-up


    </font></td></tr> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle">[​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td><font size="2">Vampire has soft cuddly side!
    "Die, insolent paparazzi" - WyRm


    Trammies - co-operate!!!!
    Total strangers reportedly assisting each other in Doom, says our foreign correspondent

    </font></td></tr> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle">[​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td><font size="2">Mamas of Malas square off!
    Painter wounded while attempting to paint close-up portrait


    Wedding of the decade?
    So, when IS Ibichi getting hitched?
    Castor's not telling!
    </font></td></tr> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle">[​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td><font size="2">Possible fishsteak shortages loom
    "It's all about seasoning, these days."
    - a fisherman, Ocllo.

    Death robe market saturated?
    "I don't remember the last time I actually sold a robe"
    - a tailor, Umbra
    </font></td></tr> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle">[​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td>
    1. <font size="2"><font size="4">This week's charts</font> </font>
    1. <font size="2"> </lh> </font>
    2. <font size="2">The RoT Song - Blind Otto</font>
    3. <font size="2">Womp! - The Orcs</font>
    4. <font size="2">Under the boardwalk - Inu the Crone</font>
    5. <font size="2">Black Star, Silver Moon - Y.deFlorio</font>
    6. <font size="2">I'm in Luna - B.Quill &amp; the pens</font>
    7. <font size="2">Mother's poem - Morning</font>
    8. <font size="2">Pay me, you owe me - Y.deFlorio</font>
    9. <font size="2">Let it be - The Rune Beatles</font>
    10. <font size="2">The Dragon of Grindly Grun - Kiera</font>
    11. <font size="2">WyRm's speedbump - Mandolin</font>
    </td></tr> <tr> <td></td></tr></table></td> <td valign="top" width="518"> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle">[​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td>Pile of corpses found near Spirituality Gate!

    "I've no idea how they got there.

    But, if I might offer a theory, it could be that someone felt something like this:

    You know that feeling, when you somehow find a dagger in your hand, and it sort of takes over? You've just got to...to... stab. And stab. And keep stabbing! Hey! Get back here!!"

    - Wulf
    </td></tr> <tr> <td>Man bites cu-sidhe!

    "He was asking for it. Pass the salt?"

    - a savage
    </td></tr> <tr> <td>Orcs may be an intelligent life form!

    "We're very excited about this discovery. I offered one a club, and he actually held the right end. This could mean... oh - look - here he comes right now, you'll see!"  

    - a naturalist, later found with a large dent in his head.
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="0"> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle" colspan="2">[​IMG]
    <font color="#ffffff">+</font>
    [​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td>

    <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Wanted:Brains....

    - a zombie
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>

    <u><font color="#a90720"><font size="4">Wanted: A few good pens</font>
    </font></u>
    Are your shoes worn thin from traveling from town to town?
    Do you cast gate more often than greater heal?
    Do your horses die of exhaustion, rather than to monsters or killers?

    Is your voice hoarse and sore from speaking with citizens across Britannia? Do you love to explore, to investigate new shops and establishments? Have a knack for putting pen to paper and writing an excellent story?

    Then perhaps UO Stratics' Siege Perilous News Page is the place where you can not only show off your talent but also help bring the community together with interesting, exciting stories and news items about Siege Perilous and her citizens.


    UO Stratics is currently looking for active, cultured, talented citizens of Siege to add to our crack team of top-notch Ultima Online reporters.

    As a volunteer reporter you are required to:

    <font size="2">* Be a competent writer
    * Be an active, knowledgeable member of the Siege community
    * Be willing to attend events and quests, interview VIPs, report news of interest to the community
    * Be able to dedicate a minimum of six hours per week to writing and/or posting news items
    * Have a familiarity with basic HTML
    * Be pro-active</font>

    Does the above describe you? Then what are you waiting for??? Apply... right now... do not hesitate! Simply fill out this brief questionnaire and fire off an e-mail to <a target="_blank" href=mailto:[email protected]>[email protected]</a> with "Siege Reporter Application" as the subject.

    Please include the following:

    <font size="2">1. Real name
    2. Contact e-mail address
    3. ICQ, AIM, MSN number (if applicable)
    4. Stratics username and character name (this must be the character name you will be reporting with)
    5. Rate your HTML knowledge from 1-10, where 1 is poor and 10 is phenomenal
    6. Answer this: Why do you wish to be a shard reporter for UO Stratics?
    7. Include a brief writing sample, no more than 500 words (no attachments)
    8. Any questions???</font>


    Good luck to all applicants!
    </p></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font size="4">
    Storage required for 80000 rares. Ask for Dupe.
    </font> </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Missing: One drunken Scotsman

    <font size="2">Has anyone seen McAndrews?

    If so, please contact CWS with details.</font> </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Blazing Ambition

    Can you fight? Do you know which end of a sword to hold? You don't mind your leader being better-looking than you?
    You think people who wear blaze are ahead of their time?

    Then Castor's Army could be the place for you! Run around Zento with an unregistered pet long enough - we'll spot you!

    Alternately, just ask for Castor.
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Antisocial Ettin seeking good divorce lawyer and surgeon.</td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Personal:

    Single White Sheep seeks unattached mayor.
    Herding skills optional.
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font color="#a90720" size="4"><u>Calling all guildmasters!
    </u></font>

    <font size="2">Do you have any events that you want covered in our fine tabloi.. I mean, publication?

    Do you think that you, or one of your guildmates is utterly fascinating?

    Do you think there's an article just screaming to be written, but you'd never write it yourself?

    Then contact Blind Otto!

    PMs or pigeons sent to </font> [email protected]</font><font size="2"> gladly accepted!

    Or, ask about our deluxe package, and appoint some hapless idiot, sorry, brave guildmember, as your official Stratics liason! Go on - you can even change their guild title when they're not looking!
    </font></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Stolen:

    One fishing rod.

    If found, please return to Mithras,
    care of the Temple, Wintermoor.
    </td></tr></table> </p> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>BUYING!!!

    Lots of stuff. Contact Cybernickel!
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>SELLING!!

    Honorable Mention Contest House!

    Contact Kiera Willow
    </td></tr></table></td> <td valign="top">

    <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Golden Unicorn Gambling!

    Free dice with every 10000gp wager!</td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Services:

    <font size="2">Duel me!!!

    I'll fight you all! Any of you! Come on - don't be such a bunch of cowards! I'm just one..   HOW many people did you say read this? Oh. Um. Right. Ah.

    What do you mean, no refunds???</font></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Get rich quick!

    Are you a crafter?
    Looking to make money fast?
    Bring all your valuables to the Yew moongate at midnight. Don't tell your friends.

    Ask for Cheapsuit.
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Missing: One moongate.

    <font size="2">If sighted, please notify the Ocllo authorities.</font>
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Personal:

    Lonely assassin seeks contract.
    You won't find me. I'll find you. You have been warned.
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font color="#a90720"><u>Wanted: A few BAD pens</u>
    </font>


    Is your sword corroded from years of applying poison?
    Does a fair part of your monthly income go towards repair deeds?
    Do you live for battle, glory, and fame?

    Are your knuckles raw and sore from beating information out of citizens across Britannia? Are you as good at putting pen to paper as you are at putting blade to flesh? Your stories are as legendary as your swordsmanship or magery? 

    Then perhaps UO Stratics' Siege Perilous News Page is the place where you can not only show off your muscles but also help bring the community together with terrifying, blood-soaked stories and news items about Siege Perilous's battles, wars, and her surviving citizens.

    UO Stratics is currently looking for active, blood-thirsty, talented citizens of Siege to add to our crack team of top-notch Ultima Online reporters.

    As a volunteer war correspondant you are required to:

    <font size="2">* Be a competent writer
    * Be an active, knowledgeable member of the Siege community
    * Be willing to attend events and quests, interview VIPs, report news of interest to the community
    * Be able to dedicate a minimum of six hours per week to writing and/or posting news items
    * Have a familiarity with basic HTML
    * Be pro-active</font>

    Does the above describe you? Then what are you waiting for??? Apply... right now... do not hesitate! Simply fill out this brief questionnaire and fire off an e-mail to <a target="_blank" href=mailto:[email protected]>[email protected]</a> with "Evil Siege Reporter Application" as the subject.

    Please include the following:

    <font size="2">1. Real name
    2. Contact e-mail address
    3. ICQ, AIM, MSN number (if applicable)
    4. Stratics username and character name (this must be the character name you will be reporting with)
    5. Rate your HTML knowledge from 1-10, where 1 is poor and 10 is phenomenal
    6. Answer this: Why do you wish to be a shard reporter for UO Stratics?
    7. Include a brief writing sample, no more than 500 words (no attachments)
    8. Any questions???
    </font>
    Good luck to all applicants!
    </p></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Pest Control

    Animals on your doorstep?
    Got a dragon stuck in your pipes?
    Birds on the roof keeping you up all night?

    Fear not!

    Contact the people of HERD, and your animal problems will be a thing of the past!</td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Career opportunities!

    Do you mindlessly follow orders?
    Always believe your commander is right?
    Charge into battle without thinking?
    Like killing people instantly with a big lightning bolt?

    Then you, my friend, might just have what it takes to be...

    a GUARD!

    Apply to Lord British's Ministry of Whacking. Ninjas and their duplicates need not apply.</td></tr></table></p> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>BUYING!!

    Feathers wanted! Contact Maleeka!
    Must not have live harpy attached.
    </td></tr></table></td></tr></table></td> <td valign="top"> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle" colspan="2">[​IMG]</td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>The Inquisitor Announces:

    Daily fights near Luna! Again!
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font size="2">Game of the week

    To be found on a chessboard, outside the Skara Brae Community Center
    </font></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font size="2">Upset in Iantown polls

    Sheep slowly gaining ground on Kelmo

    Full coverage on page 33
    </font></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font size="2">Golems admit to having gear implants.

    Controllers refuse to comment

    "Machines have feelings too, y'know" said one large golem, when confronted about this recent.....

    more on page 8
    </font></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font size="2">Reader Fiction:
    "My weekend with a wandering healer"
    by Jack the beggar
     
    "Oh, she was amazing! We wandered around Yew first, and then we wandered over to Brit. I've got to tell you, her feet weren't the only things wandering...."  
                  
      more on page 17
    </font></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Girls! Girls! Girls!

    <font size="2">"But they weren't!!!" sobbed Charlie McSlays'm after his narrow escape from the Twisted Weald.

    "It was those ghastly changlings! Oh, what will I do? I'm scarred for life!! I thought she was ..."</font>

    ....continued on page 7
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>KSS uniforms in disarray?

    <font size="2">"I just don't understand it." the knight craftswoman was quoted as saying. "I make them all these nice things, and just LOOK at them!

    Bright blue cloaks, white belts, neon bunny ears, weird purple elf robes with some strange '3D' sticker on the back - it makes me weep."

    An unnamed source from the ministry of myuo. com confirmed that this was the case.

    Py Lethius, sighted in a bright purple cape with matching bear headdress and green gloves, was unwilling to comment, but...</font>

    .....continued on page 9.
    </td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font size="2"><font size="3">GMs overwhelmed by sudden flood of harrassment notifications</font>

    "Punks? Busts? We women aren't safe, with this new trend of Bustpunking!" a lady of the night, East Britain complained to our reporter, as yet another.....

     - continued on page 39, with full portraits on pages 40 - 57
    </font></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font size="2">Employee Abuse Trials into 4th week

    "I haven't been given a decent tip in over 2 years!" complained the barkeeper of the Golden Unicorn Tavern to the judge.

    Lord Grot declined comment.

    Transcripts of the trial can be found on page 5.</font></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Conspiracy Revealed!!!
    Inquisitor Exclusive!

    <font size="2">Blind Otto, believed to have been assembling a secret army over the last three years, has been cleared of all charges.

    After his scribe accidentally forgot to lock the basement door, our intrepid reporter descended into what was long believed to be the barracks for this army, poised to charge out, and overthrow the rulers of our land.

    What our intrepid reporter found, was not an army. He found hundreds, if not thousands, of life-size dolls.

    Otto was lead away by two healers in white suits, screaming "They're action figures!!!" - whatever that means.</font>

    Full details on page 2.</td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>Crafter on the run?

    <font size="2">It was suggested today, by an unnamed source, that there was a hidden motive in the many moves of Miranda.

    Sources close to Lord British's spy agency, L.1.e., have confirmed that the constant to-and-fro relocation of her fine vendor mall from Britain to Wintermoor and back again was actually part of a very ancient and very dangerous magic spell.

    "She is binding up the land, you see. It's easy to prove - everywhere she's been, we've found traces of cotton. That proves that she's binding it! And all night long, you hear that loom - clack... clack... clack..."

    Some mystics have put forward the theory that, should her spell succeed, Miranda will be a far greater power than Minax ever dreamed of.

    "We should all be very worried." remarked the elder mage of Luna. "Worried, and making sure we stay on her right side. There's a hidden power there, and she scares me..."
    </font>
    More on page 23.</td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td>More conspiracies!!!

    Blind Otto's name appears in the news once again, this time in connection with a very serious matter.

    He stands accused of creating a fake newspaper, purely to liven up the advertisments for new reporters.

    If seen, he is to be considered blind and extremely dangerous, particularly if you have valuable glassware lying around.

    Still, if you feel an urge to be a reporter - of any type (fashion consultant, war corespondant, cultural writer, food critic, etc) - or just turning out something like this - please get in touch.

    If not - enjoy the tabloid. It's all intended in good fun!
    </td></tr></table></td></tr></table> <table width="100%" border="1"> <tr> <td><font size="2">Editor's note: All the above is intended to be funny, sarcastic, or just a waste of time, except for the items with <font color="#a90720"><u>red, underlined headings</u></font> - and even those were written in the spirit of the newspaper. Some of the buying/selling ones were based on real posts - but you can read the rest of Stratics for those!</font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table>
     
  2. Maleeka

    Maleeka Guest

    Great reading Otto! I must correct one inaccuracy though....there are plenty of fishsteaks at Crafter's Corner. [​IMG]
     
  3. Ginsu-SP

    Ginsu-SP Guest

    Incredibly entertaining Otto! Thank you!

    Cheers!
     
  4. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Brilliant!! I loved this article Otto, thank you! [​IMG]
     
  5. What an utter delight! [​IMG]

    Thank you so much for the work that you put into this, Otto. *grins*
     
  6. Excellent .... any chance you add a weekly "Ocllo corner" ... you could put the same entry in pretty much every time - something like: "er, nothing happened!"

    I suppose we could add the Dark Wisp count rather in the same light as the pollen count [​IMG]
     
  7. majorwoo

    majorwoo Guest

    ha! very nice Otto!
     
  8. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I like this, I hope to see more in the future.
     
  9. Nerf-Herder

    Nerf-Herder Guest

    Ahhhhhhhhhh, nothin like the good ole fashioned digital fishwrap!

    Good read!
     
  10. Tu'Grrt

    Tu'Grrt Guest

    Yub, meeb be smrt like dem oomies
    har har
    me nub need club to clomp lat
     
  11. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I am greatly disturbed by this news of a stolen fishing pole. Someone who would steal a fishing pole, would steal anything.

    *looks around suspiciously*

    Eep!

    It could be anyone!

    -Skylark

    P.S. great job Otto - very clever &amp; entertaining!
     
  12. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Lies! All Lies! I would never be caught outside the temple in my purple cape... I mean I would never wear a purple cape! I err...
     
  13. TerryFyde

    TerryFyde Guest

    Can i place an order for this publication to be delivered to my lodgings on a regular basis?

    Ideal reading whilst eating my breakfast.
     
  14. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <blockquote><hr>

    Lies! All Lies! I would never be caught outside the temple in my purple cape... I mean I would never wear a purple cape! I err...

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Well, just be careful when you never wear the matching purple kilt outside the temple...I hear VmP members have a special thing for them - just ask Patty &amp; Kat. [​IMG]

    -Skylark
     
  15. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Haha, too funny! Nice job Otto. =)
     
  16. Wedding...What Wedding? As if!

    Fun reading Otto, sure hope you continue this.
     
  17. Fantastic.

    Hands down the best report evah..
     
  18. Mandolin

    Mandolin Guest

    <blockquote><hr>

    # WyRm's speedbump - Mandolin

    [/ QUOTE ]

    That sounds so naughty. [​IMG]

    Well done, Otto.. Keep up the good work!
     
  19. Mandolin

    Mandolin Guest

    <blockquote><hr>

    Well, just be careful when you never wear the matching purple kilt outside the temple...I hear VmP members have a special thing for them - just ask Patty &amp; Kat.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    I hate blanket statements. *munches on a piece of garlic* I detest purple by the way. And, Krystal prefers that ghastly lime green robe of hers. *gags* Vamps have no fashion sense at all. Thus I stick with the same black death robe I've owned since WyRm dropped me in December of 2004. :p
     
  20. Katharine

    Katharine Guest

    Actually if Wyrm is anywhere around, he'll theif anything purple in a heartbeat [​IMG] think it's just cause of his hair... he's finally learning to match. I'm so proud!

    Oh and great job Otto... loved it [​IMG]
     
  21. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I remember my early days in Iantown when VmP would raid.
    They would always take my purple floppy hat - I would chase them down and they always gave it back. hehe [​IMG]
     
  22. Kat SP

    Kat SP Guest

    Hmpf! They never give my purple clothing back! [​IMG]


    Otto - Hilarious! Very nice work. Now if you'll excuse me...

    *Carries moniter into the bathroom for a nice long read* [​IMG]
     
  23. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <blockquote><hr>

    Hmpf! They never give my purple clothing back! [​IMG]



    [/ QUOTE ]

    Thats because I was referring to the VmP of the past... a VmP that was actually fun.
    [​IMG]

    In more recent times you cant even get a chance to offer them their idols before you are dead by a gank squad. [​IMG]
     
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