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[News] The Siege Inquisitor

Discussion in 'UO Siege Perilous' started by Guest, Apr 14, 2008.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <div style='width:95%;border:none;text-align:center;background-image:url("http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/background_glass.jpg");background-repeat:repeat;color:Black;padding:20px 20px 20px 20px;'> <table style='width:95%;text-align:left;background-color:red;color:Black;border:none 0 red;border-spacing:none;margin:0 0 0 0;'> <tr> <td style='background-color:Red;color:White;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:30px;font-style:italic;text-align:left;width:100px;vertical-align:bottom;padding:0 0 0 0;margin:0 0 0 0;'> THE </td> <td> </td> <td rowspan='2' style="text-align:right;"> [​IMG] </td> </tr> <tr> <td style='background-color:Red;color:White;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:60px;font-style:italic;text-align:left;vertical-align:top;padding:0 0 0 0;margin:0 0 0 0;'> SIEGE </td> <td style='background-color:Red;color:White;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:30px;text-align:left;vertical-align:middle;padding:0 0 0 0;margin:0 0 0 0;'> Inquisitor </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan='3' style='background-color:Red;color:White;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:15px;font-style:italic;text-align:left;vertical-align:middle;padding:0 0 0 0;margin:0 0 0 0;'> All the news that should have been fed to someone's pet goat </td> </tr> </table>
    <table style="width:95%;border:none;background-color:red;color:white;text-align:left;"> <tr> <td style="font-family:Arial;font-size:14pt;"> Miss Luna Contest Finalists
    Page 3 </td> <td style="background-color:White;"></td> <td style="font-family:Arial;font-size:14pt;"> Dragon Grooming Tips
    Page 8 </td> <td style="background-color:White;"></td> <td style="font-family:Arial;font-size:14pt;"> Fashion
    Skylark's Spring Sensations
    Page 12 </td> <td style="background-color:White;"></td> <td style="font-family:Arial;font-size:14pt;"> Sports
    Luna Bagball League
    Page 17 </td> <td style="background-color:White;"></td> <td style="font-family:Arial;font-size:14pt;"> Obitaries
    pages 18 - 57 </td> </tr> </table>
    <table style="width:95%;border:none;background-color:White;color:Black;text-align:left;"> <tr> <td colspan='2' style='background-color:White;color:red;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:20pt;font-style:italic;'> TODAY'S TOP STORY </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan='2' style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:16pt;font-style:italic;'> VIOLENCE IN LUNA </td> </tr> <tr> <td style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial";font-size:14pt;'> There were unsubstantiated reports of violence in and around Luna in the early hours of this morning.
    Attempts to interview bystanders were unsuccessful, largely due to the death of our intrepid reporter.
    More details will follow. Eventually.

    * We reserve the right not to print them.
    </td> <td style="background-color:White;color:Black;font-family:Arial; padding-left:20px; width:40%;"> In a related story, organ donor cards are now available to all visitors to Luna. This wonderful contribution to our community should be snapped up by everyone!
    Who knows when YOU might need a spare arm or leg? Or perhaps even a replacement head!
    Cards can be purchased for the incredibly cheap price of 10,000 gp each.
    Interested parties can make their applications three hundred paces east of Luna's east gate.
    For more details, ask for Puffy.
    </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan='2' style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial";font-size:10pt;'>
    Editor's Note: Readers may wish to take out a 5-year subscription to ensure they do not miss our follow-up article! </td> </tr> </table>

    <table style="width:95%;border:none;background-color:White;color:Black;text-align:left;"> <tr> <td style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:16pt;font-style:italic;'> DRAGONS ARE WIMPS! </td> <td style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:16pt;font-style:italic;width:45%;padding-left:20px;'> KNIGHTS? WHAT KNIGHTS? </td> </tr> <tr> <td> <div> The citizens are revolting.
    Why? The cause seems to be simple - the new breed of Dragons. Our intrepid reporter investigated. Then, we sent a less intrepid reporter out, wearing some armor this time.
    Dragons. Now, personally, I like dragons. Keeping one in my dungeon has always meant that my tower was warm in winter, and opening random windows as passers-by came near was always good for a laugh.
    However, the new breed of these beasts seem to have many people feeling rather unsettled.
    To this, I say, good! Ye SHOULD be unsettled! Have ye not noticed yet where ye chose to make thy home?
    I say these dragons need to be made even stronger! Faster! And untamable! Have them take flight, and descend on our towns!

    </div> <div style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:16pt;font-style:italic;'> Skin care specialists flock to Moonglow </div>
    <div> Upon hearing of the dreadful plight of the berzerkers who wander about the streets of Moonglow, a contingent of [QWAK], that intrepid band of healers, physicians, and therapists, have descended on the dark side of that town.
    &quot;We cannot bear to see the poor beasts suffer so!&quot; one noted dermatologist commented. &quot;It is high time that Lord British did something about all the spilled poison potions in the rivers! Just look at this poor creature's skin! Won't someone think of the creatures?!?&quot

    A rather confused looking spotty balron was brought forward at this point for demonstration purposes. Please pardon the blood stains on this report. </div>


    <div style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:16pt;font-style:italic;'> Best Chest In The West? </div>
    <div> A strange occurance, amidst the strange occurances that bedevil Moonglow of late, has come to our attention.
    It appears that the treasure chests which the Dark Wisps occasionally carry with them has become sentient!
    Aye, chests in large numbers have been mysteriously travelling upstream towards the dark portal, presumably in order to reach their ancient spawning grounds at the foot of someone's bed!

    Our staff picture-imp painted this image.
    [​IMG]
    We're not sure why.
    </div> </td> <td style="vertical-align:top;"> A little over two months past, Lord Py Lethius bade farewell to our fair land.

    This, many may have thought, meant the end of The Knights of The Silver Serpent.
    It is with great joy that I can tell you that it did not.
    This past week, two of the most patient, longest suffering ladies that Siege has to offer, finally put aside their Initiates robes, and became soldiers of KSS! A small portion of the ceremony follows:

    "Initiate Angharad,
    Initiate Alizaren,
    we have heard your oaths, and by Mithras, I bind them!
    Thy old life is gone, put to death by thy own courage and virtue!
    You are reborn to Mithras!
    Rise, Sisters of The Silver Serpent!"

    The following speech was also given, by thy good editor and Knight Commander.
    "As ye probably know, Lord Py Lethius has heard the call of an honorable quest
    tis one that takes him to a strange land. One with little or no magic
    One where his loved ones of the House of Lethius dwell
    and where he will be focusing all his might on their care
    That, to my mind, is more worthy a calling than any battle with dragons
    or fighting back a thousand foes
    But, he created something great in this land
    he created a force for justice
    He created, at one time, a sense of security in the minds of the weak
    I remember when I was newly born into these lands
    the relief that was felt when a wave of blue came crashing into those who would kill the weak
    We are far from those days now
    I cannot promise to return those days.
    But, I can promise to try with all I have to give.
    I am not Py Lethius. I can only aspire to be Py Lethius. I began as a crafter. He, as a warrior.
    But, ye have my commitment, that, as long as I draw breath, The Knights of The Silver Serpent
    will never die."

    *KSS will be starting to take applications for new initiates, should any be interested. Details can be found on this scroll. </td> </tr> </table>

    <table style="width:95%;border:none;background-color:White;color:Black;text-align:left;"> <tr> <td colspan='3' style='background-color:White;color:red;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:16pt;font-style:italic;'> Classifieds </td> </tr> <tr style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:12pt'> <td> Wanted </td> <td> For Sale </td> <td> Services </td> </tr> <tr> <td style="vertical-align:top;"> Plate Mage Armor, especially arms.
    No samurai fashions, please!
    Preferred in various types of metal.
    Please donate to Shalimar's wardrobe!

    <div style='height:1pt;border:solid 1pt silver; width:100px;'></div>
    <div style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:12pt'> Wanted </div>
    Rubble, rubble, and more rubble!
    Please contact Jeremiah, currently trapped under a pile of rubble in Luna.
    <div style='height:1pt;border:solid 1pt silver; width:100px;'></div>
    <div style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:12pt'> Wanted </div>
    Soap.

    Bring tribuut to person wot MOST DEF'NITLY NUB AN ORC at da tower north of da Yew Moongate.
    Ask for Mo'gluk. Nub. Nub. Me means nub ask for Mo'gluk. Mo'gluk nub want soap. Nub. Ask fer some uvver uruk. Nub. Oomie.
    Har. Meeb got dem fooled. Meeb get soap. Is dis fing still on?
    </td> <td style="vertical-align:top;"> Visit the Yew Gate shopping area for all your daily needs!
    Regular special offers and unique items!
    Safe Gate shopping zone! *

    <div style="font-size:9pt">*May not apply to faction members, murderers, and folks who doze off at moongates.</div>
    </td> <td style="vertical-align:top;"> <div style='height:1pt;border:solid 1pt silver; width:100px;'></div>
    <div style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:12pt'> FREE </div> Dark Wisp Chests picked occasionally
    Moonglow Portal
    If you see me at Moonglow Portal, just ask to have your chests picked.
    No charge.
    Beatrice Quill

    <div style='height:1pt;border:solid 1pt silver; width:100px;'></div>
    <div style='background-color:White;color:black;font-family:"Arial Black";font-size:12pt'> HELP FOR NEWCOMERS! </div>
    New to Siege?
    Been PK'd sixteen times already, and you haven't even left your starting point yet?
    Wondering what's going on and where everyone is?

    Wonder no more!

    The helpful, friendly staff at [NEW] are just waiting to help you! (Yes, really. This is not satire.)
    Come along, introduce yourself, and let NEW help you start your NEW life on Siege!
    More details can be found on this scroll!
    </td> </tr> </table>

    <table style="width:95%;border:none;background-color:red;color:white;text-align:left;"> <tr> <td style="font-family:Arial;font-size:9pt;"> Disclaimer: The views expressed in this publication are not neccesarily those of the publisher, the editor, anyone sane, or that guy standing over there looking at you funny. I suggest you go and hit him. Right now. Yes, him. No, not that one - the other one. Hit the first one too, just in case. Right. I'm glad we got that settled. Disclaimer: This publication takes no responsibility for readers who go around hitting people for no apparent reason. </td> </tr> </table> </div>
     
  2. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Soap? Mo'gluk wants soap? What'd he do with the cake I left by his wash basin? He gone and darn well eaten it again? Nothing so scary as an orc frothing at the mouth with best carbolic.
     
  3. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I have seen Luna with my own eyes and it is dangerous indeed. It is nice that your publication is available to warn those not yet aware of the hazards.
     
  4. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <blockquote><hr>

    Soap? Mo'gluk wants soap? What'd he do with the cake I left by his wash basin? He gone and darn well eaten it again? Nothing so scary as an orc frothing at the mouth with best carbolic.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Pssst...Petra...you keep putting soap by the wash basin...I think he thinks the cleaning lady is leaving him candy tribuut by his fancy water bucket. [​IMG]

    As for the report, entertaining as always Otto!

    -Skylark
     
  5. Jeremiah (JSV)

    Jeremiah (JSV) Visitor

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2008
    Messages:
    282
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    <font color="red"> </font> i seem to have freed myself and have gotten my morning paper
     
  6. Obitaries
    pages 18 - 57 [​IMG]
     
  7. Maleeka

    Maleeka Guest

    Quite entertaining this Monday morning! Well done! *smiles*
     
  8. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <blockquote><hr>

    <font color="red"> </font> i seem to have freed myself and have gotten my morning paper

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Hmmmm...obviously we haven't used enough rubble.

    -Skylark
     
  9. Thanks Otto. I needed a humorous read this morning.
     
  10. Guest

    Guest Guest

    *laughs*

    Thanks for the paper, Otto.
     
  11. Great newspaper!, was fun to read:)
     
  12. I LOVE YOU OTTO

    YOU MAKE MY PANTIES ACHE!
     
  13. Calibretto

    Calibretto Guest

    <blockquote><hr>

    [​IMG]

    [/ QUOTE ]


    I had this great post thanking Otto, all thought out.



    THEN I GOT STUCK ON YOUR AVATAR!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  14. Guest

    Guest Guest

    *chuckles* You noticed that did you?
     
  15. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Nice work
     
  16. Guest

    Guest Guest

    You need to hurry back dear. Alli needs ya to keep her in line and Linz has been making everyone get naked and do peerleses.
     
  17. Rilla

    Rilla Guest

    I know not of what you speak.....

    I am perfectly in line. I behave like a sweet innocent flower. A little ray of sunshine am I!

    *giggles*

    - Ali
     
  18. Cleopatra

    Cleopatra Guest

    Great stuff Otto, I know that must take a long time to do.....I just wish you had time to do more of it, very entertaining, thanks.