The Yew Times - A Newspaper for Sosaria Yew Times Editorial Office Issue 4. Edition 1. WORLD NEWS Prankster Strikes Again Law officials are on the lookout for the individual responsible for a recent prank, which left many with lower back injuries and hernias. With the land being absent of a monarch for far too long, the miraculous appearance of a sword in a stone seems to have addressed the people's cries for order. Etched writing on the blade not concealed by the stone reads "Whosoever shall pulleth this sword from this stone shall become.." There are few citizens of the land not familiar with the old tale of how a squire once won a kingdom by pulling a similar sword from a stone. As word spread, the crowds began to gather, as determined individuals would try their hand at the task of drawing the sword, with no avail. Disgruntled citizens finally descended upon the boulder with sledgehammers and pickaxes in hand, revealing that the sword was reinforced with several pieces of rebar and the remaining writing on the sword stating "Cheater! LOL!" Buccaneer's Den Celebrates One-Thousandth Murder. (Received by message in a bottle) Citizens of Buc's Den finally have something to cheer about; having hit an unprecedented one thousand murders within its borders. An official who asked to remain anonymous stated that many didn't think that this day would ever come considering the slump in tourism over the last few years. The town's most recent victim was found washed up on shore and there was some concern that the body may have drifted from somewhere else until the innkeeper, Stabby McGillicutty confirmed that the individual rented a room in his establishment the prior evening. The town expects a reasonable turnout and plans are in order for a life-size cake in the shape and likeness of the victim to be sliced into pieces by celebrants. Igor's Men will perform vulgar sea shanties for the crowd and festivities will include a face-punching contest. Event organizers ask that outsiders don't stare or make inconsiderate comments about the residents' many wooden legs and hooks as there are those very sensitive about these sorts of things. Woman Maimed in Horrible Cat Washing Incident Following a poor error in judgement, 87 year old Opal Mayhews of Yew was savaged by her 75 pound Siamese by the name of Snapping *****, when she attempted to give it a bath. The elderly pensioner is recovering at the local healers and expected to regain consciousness in the next few days. Dawn Of The Dead A potential disaster was likely averted today as the Yew town guard disrupted a ritual being performed by a circle of necromancers at Queen Dawn's gravesite. The leader of the group explained that they were concerned about the recent incidents of violence and disorder due to the vacancy in the rulership of the land, and they were just addressing the issue by bringing the former queen back to the throne. The town guard released the group on the condition that they never attempt the ritual in the future. Captain Roderick of the guard stated that with the recent chaos in Yew, the last thing the townspeople needed is for their former beloved monarch to be going on a rampage and eating their brains. Middle-Aged Wolf-Boy Saga Ends In Bitter-Sweet Resolution Repeated attempts to assimilate 40 something year old wolf-boy into human society have ultimately failed, as adoptive parents resolve to return Reggie back to his pack in the wilderness. "We have become so attached to him", says adoptive mother, Joyce, "But, decades of living amongst wolves has ingrained in him certain behaviors that can't be unlearned; like when he drags his hindquarters on the living room carpet." Reggie will be released early this week with a small number of well-wishers present. TRAVELOGUE Covetous The dungeon Covetous or what some call Mount Covetous is located within the Mountains of Avarice south of the mining town of Minoc. The Mountains of Avarice was once a very profitable mining site for the collection of Blackrock and other valuable ores many years ago. The miners even unearthed an old tomb it is told. With the discovery of the tomb came pirates and thieves to the mines to search for treasure. Over time the rogues had run out the miners from the mountain so they could continue to plunder uncontested. The current King of Thieves decided the mountain and its tunnels would be an ideal place to build a hidden fortress to rule over the thieves of the lands. The plans included a dining hall, and various quarters for the different ranks within the organization. Stealing certain desirable items would require special knowledge concerning those items and their locations, so a torture room and a prison was added as well. With an underground water source and a plentiful food supply from the surrounding woods, the mountain fortress became a hive of criminal activity. With its nefarious reputation which became synonymous with greed itself, it was nicknamed 'Covetous' by the locals; a moniker which stuck until this very day. Unfortunately for the thieves, all good things finally came to an end when they had the misfortune of laying their hands on a cursed artifact that damned them to forever walk the halls of their former home as its undead guardians. Harpies have made their home near the entrance and can be seen venturing out at times in the search for food. It is rumored the the dungeon of greed has attracted a new visitor to it by the name of Cora the Sorceress when a rift opening into the void appeared within the dungeon. Hooks Of The Sea Since time immemorable, the oceans of our lands have brought us fish, dangers, and mystery. For years, sailors brought back tales of mysterious monoliths, leading to the discovery of the Serpent Pillars that lead to the Lost Lands. In days past, murders would use boats to roam the seas, preying on fisherfolk or miners, ransacking their ships' and pillaging their goods. Since the building of the Floating Emporium, pirates have been roaming the waters once again to attack seafarers. Gargoyles would design their own type of ship to better withstand attacks from the pirates as they transported their cargo across the oceans. Even the orcs, watching the battles from ashore would set about with plans for the construction of war vessels for the purposes of piracy and profit. Despite all the dangers, the fisherfolk would still venture out to catch thier fish in order to feed thier families and towns. Unbeknownst to many was the existence of an ancient society, which recently revealed themselves to the public. Through their years of efforts, they had devised clever ways of catching fish and documented the many species of crustaceans that thrive on the bottom of the oceans. Their volumes of writings educated the people on the characteristics of the different types of fish and where they could be caught. Where did the Order of the Dragonfish come from? Where do they convene and study the things they do? This past week, they unveiled several new types of fish hook, previously unseen by the public. These items seem to possess specialized magical properties, wearing out after so many uses. I wonder if these Fish Monger's know what is behind the recent phenomena alarming sailors; the ships and traps that are sucked below the waters surface, and the titanic difting shadows passing below that have unerved even the most veteran mariner. ADVERTISMENTS Spoiled Food is a Thing of the Past Are you tired of spoiled food? Have you had enough of over-salted meats and fish? Do your leftovers end up being throwaways? Then put those days of food poisoning and unpalatable fare behind you with Etherware. Etherware is the revolutionary sealable food storage system that utilizes ethereal forces to lock in freshness, because etherware generates a static bubble of inert time to prevent spoilage and keep food protected from diabolical chaos entities that prey on innocent foods. Don't be fooled by expensive second hand storage like crates or bags or you'll just end up with egg on your face. Reach for the patented food storage system with the Etherware Seal and look forward to many countless days of tasty leftovers. Smart Home Protection If you are like me, you are probably tired of inadequate home protection while you are away. Maybe you've had an unfortunate experience returning home, only to be attacked at the door by one or more merciless cutthroats. Some homeowners invest in expensive and unsightly traps only to find them sidestepped by the more clever killer. And Monster statue deterents?!! That's just kids stuff!! That is why I developed the only natural murderer solution that received 4 stars from Militant Homeowner Magazine. Using an exclusive crossbreeding method we have created a plant that has the fullness of a large hedge, the elegance of a wisteria bush and the ferocity of a swamp tentacle. We call it the Anti-Murder Bush or the Ambush for short. There is no need to be concerned over rancid bodies littering your property because the Ambush consumes them for vital nutrients releasing a fragrant, fruity aroma that perfumes the air. And there is no reason to be worried about the safety of yourself or your family, because the Ambush is very selective in its feeding habits and only consumes the offal of humanity. So, why just buy one? The Ambush can be found where plants and landscaping goods are sold. Captain Decamp When you need to fill your lantern or lamp Reach for the oil by Captain Decamp. Decamp’s fish oil burns much stronger, than other oils when the nights get longer. Captain DeCamp Fish Oil. Burns longer. Burns safer. One bottle lasts 2 whole months. CLASSIFIEDS Shipmates Need For Special Mission Captain Dantes is looking for a crew of 14 doughty mariners who will accompany him on a special mission. Candidates should have a cast iron stomach, a will of steel, and a bladder of some strong material like steel that is not subject to rust as iron does. Particular desired skills are sailing, cannon operation, harpooning, and swimming if necessary. The good captain will discuss the details of the mission as he reviews prospective candidates at the Modest Damsel Inn in New Magincia this week. ARTS AND LIVING Dear Tabi, I am just a guy looking for a little peace and quiet. I used to live next to some broad who turned her house into some sort of parrot sanctuary, and I started looking for greener pastures. After finding a nice isolated locale, I enjoyed a brief period of peace. That is until one of 'those guys' moved in; you know, the homeowner whose house walls are made of cascading water. Not only is it an obscene waste of water, but it looks absurd. Not only do I have problems getting to sleep with the noise next door, but I have to get up three times a night to pee. What does a guy have to do to get himself some peace. Signed, Going over the edge. Dear Over the Edge, I empathize with you over the current situation though it could be worse... Imagine the waterfall being a gigantic bird bath for the parrots... Lots of sqawking and ungodly amounts of bird droppings everywhere. Perhaps I am looking at the glass half full in saying that, but I would drop by the closest cotton field and make some legendary ear muffs in hopes of catching a few ZZZzzz's. Sweet Dreams, Tabi Dear Tabi, Recently, while doing the laundy, I discovered that several of my husband's shirts had lipstick stains on the collars. When I confronted him on the issue, he dismissed my suspicions as foolish, as he said it was well known that malicious sprites and gremlins go about causing mischief and disharmony in happy households. Well, as out of character as it is for me, I dropped the issue for the time being. I first wanted to ask some close friends about this gremlin issue, but I was afraid of either being branded as naive or have my husband's possible infidelity being the topic of gossip. Tabi, what should I do? Signed, Getting Down and Dirty Dear Down and Dirty, I admire your candid and brave resolve. The Gremlins and Sprites of Sosaria have taken the wrap for alot of shenanghins. On their behalf, I thank you for taking a stand against the wishy washy cads that misrepresent them. Though, please do not mistake me as thier advocate. I can surmise from your letter that you are far from naive and not content with the line your significant is trying to hand you. Sounds to me like he needs a little help with being collared and I am not talking bout lipstick.... The best way to deal with that is to strike while the "iron's hot"! No more skirting the issue! Sock it to him and let him know you are far from being a push-over: that story does not wash and you will not have the wool pulled over your eyes. Stick it to him and show him that the Ladies of Sosaria refuse to be hampered by some ole wives tale passed down through the years. Be the woman you are and hold true to your spotless record as he airs his dirty laundry (of which I hope you are insisting he do)... Cheering you on! Tabi HorroScopes The Peddler-January Others are sensitive, and their feelings are easily hurt this morning. This is the day you've been waiting for. The Mongbat-February Remember, people who live in grass houses should not throw hot objects. The Phoenix-March The five second rule had been effectively doubled for you. You may now safely consume food items dropped on the ground if picked up within 10 seconds. The Sea Dragon-April: Be particularly prepared this week…. By keeping your lantern filled with Captain Decamp’s Fish Oil. ** ** this horoscope prediction sponsored by Captain Decamp Fish Oil. Burns longer. Burns safer. The Hermit -May You have become too predictable lately. See? I knew you were going to say that. The Llama-June If you can’t join them, then beat them.. ruthlessly. The Ancient Wyrm-July Remember, every person gets to sell out just 3 times in life. If you have sold out twice already, plan out carefully on how you will sell out your last time. If you have sold out only once, then all the better. The Anvil-August When life gives you lemons, you can be certain that it’s a conspiracy by the sugar producers to exploit recipients of cheap 3 gp lemons (which mysteriously just happen to fall into their hands, by the way) to coerce them to make lemon-aide using their obscenely marked up sacks of sugar. I mean, like 500 gp a sack. It’s just criminal. Stop being a pawn of the oppressive sugar cartels keeping their jackboots on the faces of the people. Down with the sugar cartels! The Weaver-September The flagon with the dragon holds the pellet with the poison, the chalice from the palace holds the brew that is true. This phrase will become very useful to you in the near future. The Wisp-October You will directly confront something that has been hidden, forgotten, or ignored for a long time. It could be a past relationship that went sour. It could be a powerful evil entity imprisoned in the darkness that you unwittingly release upon the world. You're probably thinking, "Yeah, that relationship sucked. I hope I never see that person again." The Unicorn-November A mystic llama herder will visit your town and will personally unfold for you the secrets to the universe in all of it’s majesty. Offer void where prohibited. The Wanderer-December Remember when you were told years ago that if you sneezed with your eyes opened, your eyeballs would pop out, and you didn’t believe them? Well guess what? That’s exacly what happens, and it isn’t pretty. You will actually see the surprised look on your own face for just a split second… Just kidding.. You will buy a nice hat this week, and you will receive a ton of compliments on your new look, and will feel very confident about your latest fashion statement.