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Tall Tales entry: The Guild Goes Fishing

Discussion in 'UO Siege Perilous' started by Silent Singer, Apr 7, 2015.

  1. Silent Singer

    Silent Singer Lore Master

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    Leaving a note tacked to the front of TRU's house telling the gang my plans to go fishing, I headed to Vesper. Trusty Frostwood fishing pole in hand, I felt certain today was the day I would reel in The Big One.

    Finding a nice private spot with a view to the wide sea, I pulled off my dirty brown work robe, cast my line, and settled back to enjoy the day. In only minutes my line began dancing. Reeling it in, I found a small 10 stone fish. It wasn't much compared to the record holders, but it would make a fine dinner. I put it on the stringer and recast my line. Only a few minutes more, and the line yanked hard. This was a big one! After several minutes of struggle, I wrestled a giant of at least 100 stone to the shore. Flush with excitement, I began unhooking him when I heard a voice from the bank above me,

    "Greetings Citizen, fish biting today?"

    I looked up to see Victim, who eyed my fish hungrily.

    "Of course, you have a permit to fish here, don't you Silent Singer?" he continued.

    "Permit?" I asked sheepishly, "Isn't this the King's land?"

    "Exactly so. And as you know, my brother is the Sheriff of these parts. You wouldn't want me to have to tell him you were fishing without a permit would you?"

    I began to grow worried. "Is there some kind of fine or something?"

    "The fine is death," he said with an alarming smile, "but my brother (he cleared his throat meaningfully) is THE SHERIFF if you didn't know. I'm sure I can reason with him. I'll only need to confiscate that illegally procured fish in your hand."

    I looked at the beauty in my hand, "Any other options?" I asked hopefully.

    He raised an eyebrow, "Death?"

    I sighed dejectedly and handed up the fish. "You going to throw it back in?"

    Victim snorted. "I'm sure there will need to be some kind of confiscation paperwork, bureaucracy, you know, and by that time it will be long dead. Probably the only reasonable thing left to do will be to eat it." He said this last part laughing as he walked away.

    Well the day was still early, so reassured that Victim wouldn't be back around anytime soon, I baited up and recast.

    Just as the increasing heat of the day began to lull me into a peaceful nap, I heard a commotion in the woods at my back.

    "There you are!"

    Vinnie, TRU, Igg, and Feanaro rode up and dismounted from a menagerie of polar bears, ostards, llamas, and swamp dragons. Igg and TRU immediately began an assessment, "Okay we place a Fisher on each of these points, nets here and here, Feanaro will cover the rear,...." TRU began but Igg cut in, "I don't know man, I think we will maximize our chances if we put someone over here for protection and maybe get some poison fields up on that inlet..."

    "Guys, guys!" I interrupted. "We are NOT using poison fields. This is just fishing. To eat, mind you. Just a relaxing day of fishing."

    Suddenly Feanaro appeared right in front of me. One minute that space had been empty, the next it was filled by one of the most terrifying hunters in the kingdom.

    "What are you talking about?" He said in a low and intense voice. I felt like his gaze could see my internal dialogue pissing its pants.

    "Fi..Fish... Fishing?"

    "Exactly. Fishing," He leaned closer, so close I could smell the souls of his previous victims on his breath, "Fishing for men."

    This time it wasn't just my imagination soiling itself. My small clothes grew wet and warm. Thankfully, at that moment Vinnie shouted, "Guys, look!" Just offshore a huge gilded Galleon approach. Its bright paint and multitudes of golden adornments made it sparkle and shine in the sunlight. A large crowd milled about on its deck, all exceptionally well-dressed, but they didn't seem to actually be doing much of anything.

    "That's a Gilfane ship...." TRU pointed out.

    "Loot..." Igg said.

    "Fun!" Vinnie smiled.

    "Death...." Feanaro whispered with a disturbing amount of happiness.

    As quickly as they had arrived, the guys took off along the shore following their target. I rinsed my small clothes and lay in the grass. Finally, as I returned to fishing, I heard horses approaching. Frustration welled up inside me, I just wanted to relax and fish!

    This time it was K'spah, Charles, and Stormy. I had forgotten my nakedness. "What are you doing, bro?" Charles asked with a confused look. "Oh, relax, it's a nice day, Silent is just enjoying the sunshine," Stormy offered helpfully. Jumping off her jet black horse, she threw a blanket on the grass, pulled off her robe to reveal a duck-print top and bottom, and lay facedown. Undoing her top, she asked for someone to put lotion on her back.

    I never thought I would see a human move quicker than Feanaro when he was on the hunt, but K'spah was at her side in an instant. His hands moved lower and lower as he offered helpfully, "You probably want to take this off too so there's no tan lines."

    Stormy slapped his hand and settled back on the blanket, "I'm fine K..."

    "You sure, I mean, tan lines?" His words came out jumbled. My attention was diverted then because of a commotion behind me. Charles held my Frostwood fishing pole in the air slashing violently. "What is this?" he asked," this your gear? I told you man, it is all about the gear, how are you going to kill anything with this?"

    "I'm not going to kill anything, I'm going to fish with it."

    "Seriously, hit me with it. Let me show you the difference a good suit makes, " he said as he handed me the pole, "go on, take your best shot."

    At this point I was so frustrated at my morning, and now another distraction, with K's hand once again creeping down surreptitiously to Stormy's bottom as she dozed in the sun and Charles imploring me to strike him, that I actually did drawback and swing the rod at him.

    Charles exploded in a shower of blood. Blood sprayed over me like a fountain, sprayed into the water behind me, sprayed over K and Stormy, and left only a small pile of innards where Charles had stood only a moment ago. The three of us were stunned, and Stormy looked at me. "Silent, what the hell man?"

    I looked at the fishing pole in my bloodsoaked hands. "I didn't... I don't think... that wasn't..."

    Then a wooshing sound sped past my ear, and K exploded in a shower of blood. As his corpse fell to the ground, his hand still clutched Stormy's bottom and the momentum tore it off. I didn't have time to stare though, because a menacing gargoyle flew up holding a soul glaive which was covered in what had recently been K and Charles' blood.

    "So has everyone missed the Bo?" it said with a pointy grin.

    I heard stamping hooves and turned to see Stormy riding at speed back towards the guild house, bare bottom in the air.

    "The Bo digs the tan lines," the gargoyle said, then turned back to me, "so where were we, oh yeah, you were about to die."

    I slowly backed along the shoreline as the Bo approached me until he was even with the water. I thought my only chance would be to turn and run, but just as I went to do it, my bare foot slipped in the gore that was once Charles and I fell face first to the ground. Opening my eyes the world looked sideways, and I watched a veritable river of blood pouring into the sea. The Bo stood over me with his weapon raised.

    As I lamented my last fishing trip and prepared to die, I heard a splash and looked up to see the Bo wrapped in white tentacles. A giant Leviathan surfaced, and the tentacles pulled the cursing gargoyle back into the sea.

    The water settled. Everything had gone quiet around me again. I noticed small waves near the bank, and remembered my little 10 stone fish I had caught earlier. As I pulled him out of the water, I decided this was enough fishing for me for the year. But just as I put my monk's robe back on, I smelled smoke in the air. A burned-out carcass of a giant Galleon floated by. Bodies were strewn about the deck and in the rigging. It was a spectacle of carnage.

    "Now THAT is fishing!" Feanaro said beside me, admiring his handiwork where it smoldered in the water. How does he sneak up like that?!

    He looked down at the small fish on my stringer, and snorted in disgust. Seeing blood everywhere, he asked, "What happened here?"

    "Just a typical day of fishing on Siege," I replied, and turning, I walked straight home without looking back.

    I'll leave the fishing to the professionals.
     
  2. startle

    startle Siege... Where the fun begins.
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend Gilfane

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    A fun read, Silent. Well done! ;)
     
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  3. Val'lyn De'ana

    Val'lyn De'ana Seasoned Veteran

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    Keep 'em coming. :)

    -Val'lyn
     
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  4. FrejaSP

    FrejaSP Queen of The Outlaws
    Professional Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend Campaign Patron The DarkOutlaws, TDO

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    You Sir, are an amazing storyteller
     
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  5. Candy Cane

    Candy Cane Journeyman

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    Why am I always naked!!
     
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  6. Silent Singer

    Silent Singer Lore Master

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    Next time we will all be naked and not you, deal?
     
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  7. Silent Singer

    Silent Singer Lore Master

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    And to be fair, I pissed myself and was also naked.....
     
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  8. Lore Denin (GL)

    Stratics Veteran

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    Cracked me up, looking forward to catching up to some of those characters in game
     
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  9. Marisa Kirisame

    Marisa Kirisame Seasoned Veteran

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    Lol, a great one xD I wish when we have lots of them there will be some kind of EM booksale event.
     
  10. Candy Cane

    Candy Cane Journeyman

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    How about me in leather with a whip, I think that might make it fair!!
     
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  11. Silent Singer

    Silent Singer Lore Master

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    We already did a story about your leather / whip fetish, remember ? ;)

    But I'll see what I can do....
     
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  12. VinnySP

    VinnySP Seasoned Veteran
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    That's was funny as hell!!! Fricking loved it lol, Everyone's comments were exactly how everyone is in game and vent .
     
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  13. Candy Cane

    Candy Cane Journeyman

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    I never even thought about how true it sounds. Thats so funny.
     
  14. Victim of Siege

    Victim of Siege Crazed Zealot
    Governor Stratics Veteran Alumni Safe Haven

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  15. Silent Singer

    Silent Singer Lore Master

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    :)
     
  16. Sliced

    Sliced Visitor

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    great story! i laughed out loud when i died holding stormy's butt. i suppose there are worse ways to go!
     
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  17. Silent Singer

    Silent Singer Lore Master

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    You could have been holding my butt, for instance....
     
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  18. Sliced

    Sliced Visitor

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    AHAHAHA.
     
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  19. Candy Cane

    Candy Cane Journeyman

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    Now that would have made me laugh.
     
  20. Igg A Pie

    Igg A Pie Lore Keeper
    Stratics Veteran Brave Amateurs B^A

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    well done!