THE YEW TIMES October 31, 2013 WORLD NEWS BUILDER BUNGLE LEAVES LOCALS FROTHING AT MOUTH Citizens of Yew are chafing over the latest incident where plans to provide street signs didn't go as smoothly as expected. Following years of visitors asking directions of the locals, the woodland town's governor took the request to the crown itself. What the town received instead was a series of signs spaced every 30 feet or so; each with a rhyming verse promoting sales of brushless shaving cream. One set of 5 signs read in order "Bearded Father Alexander........at Empath Abbey..........shaved his whiskers..........Not too shabby!...........Ter Mur Shave." This blunder was enough to work up the populace into a lather. An irritated Father Alexander stated that the use of his name without his express consent was the unkindest cut of all. Another local remarked "I know that these workcrews aren't too sharp, but this is just shear stupidity." BAR EXPERT PREDICTS CATASTROPHE Zolly Grolock, barfly and regular resident at the Serpent Cross tavern wanted to go on record as the guy who predicted the downfall of humanity. Zolly stated in no uncertain terms that this latest Zombie apocalypse is the direct result of recent endeavors to create local government structures to represent the common people. "This is sheer hubris!" exhorted the tavern prophet. Booger-eating morons like ourselves should keep our mouths shut other than the occassional prayer of gratitude that we have a king to think for us and make all of our choices for us. Long live the flippin' king! I specifically said that this is the sort of meddling that will bring down the wrath of unfathomable and beastly powers upon our heads, likely in the form of a zombie apocalypse.... And here we are." Zolly concluded with "And that's all I have to say on this issue." CELEBRANTS WARNED TO TAKE CARE Town authorities are requesting that trick-or-treaters be careful not to drop candy or other sugary treats on the grounds throughout the cities. The scent of these seasonal treats is irresistable to the sollen warriors and workers who have been venturing into the neighboring towns to snatch up the confections to take back to their queen in the underground chambers. Entomologists at the Lycaeum speculate that the worker castes may be offering these snacks to their monarch to curry favor or to receive special mating rights. Halloween revelers are asked to dispose of their unwanted treats in a proper manner, or at the entrance of the nearest sollen underground entrance to keep the problem localized. LATEST HALLOWEEN OFFERING DELIGHTS YOUTHS AND ADULTS ALIKE Children of Britannia have gone ga-ga for the latest Halloween handout. "Hoping for the seasonal pumpkin cookie, my daughter's eyes lit up with delight when the neighbor handed her Messana's head on a spike," says one parent. "She spends all day brushing it's hair and cooing to it. It is adorable." Adults love the new heads on a spike and have found many new and interesting uses for them. A local inebriate endorsed, "When I am too drunk to vocalize my need for another drink, I just hold up my head on a spike, and boy do I ever get prompt service!" Another citizen lauded the new addition. "I put one on my doorstep, and I haven't seen a encyclopedia salesman in a week. Instant Psychological deterrent! Go look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls!" Many have discovered that these new items are not just decorative but functional as well. Blakesley, a carpenter in Minoc gushed, "The bald guy makes for one hell of a hammer." DRUNKEN ZOMBIE SKELETON ANNOYS OTHER ZOMBIE SKELETONS IN GRAVEYARD Spectators are puzzled by a recent spectacle at the Vesper graveyard. A zombie skeleton reeking of alcohol has been noticed stumbling into the other zombie skeletons and generally making a nuisance out of itself. The other undead, particularly the females have been trying to maintain their distance, often sprinting to the opposite side of then enclosure whenever they notice the drunk one approaching. Although we are unable to understand the guttural undead tongue, we imagine he is delivering lame pick up lines like "Do you have a map, because I am lost in your eye?" and "I just dropped something. My jaw..." Living observers with similar experiences have expressed their sympathy for the badgered undead. HOME AND GARDEN Recipe: Pumpkin cake Vigorously fight brutal, life-and-death battle with vicious ogre in dungeon Wrong to obtain secret recipe. Purchase Mento seasoning(book day long passage on ship to floating emporium). Gather special pumpkin by fighting psychotic Killer pumpkin in pumpkin field. 6 eggs from farmer. 1 pitcher of milk, 1 ginger, 1 jar of honey and bag of flour from baker. 1 bottle of wine from provisioner. Do not kill farmer, baker or provisioner. Mix ingredients in baking pan and bake for 1/2 hour while milking Silver Serpents for their venom in Ter Mur. A snake charming flute makes this a much easier process. Chop up nearest orange houseplant and mix with venom and bottle of wine. Poke cake with switch and remove when thoroughly cooked. Mix dye with icing and apply to cake. Caution: There are some who may suffer allergic reactions when bitten by a silver serpent or when consuming icing containing their venom. Ask your guest if they are suffering from any paralysis or loss of feeling in their limbs or one side of their body after sampling a slice. If they die unexpectedly, you may forgo the previous step. Reviews: J Abernathy: I made several of these cakes when you included this recipe last year, and they are troublesome for a woman of my age(86). I mean, have you seen the price for a jar of honey these days? B Smitts: I served this at a family gathering and it turned out wonderful. I admit I did overreact a bit when my stupid, drunken son-in-law dropped it carrying it to the dinner table. A Weathers: Since I made this recipe, I have not been welcome to any gathering unless I bring one with me. Often, I am just asked to drop one off, and forced off the premises usually by blows to the head and shoulders by several participants until I flee into the night. It's that good! HORROR-SCOPES The Peddler-January You will have a magical encounter with a mysterious individual with alluring eyes; most likely an elder gazer. The Mongbat-February You will return home from a memorable Halloween party to discover a strange man sleeping on your couch. You further discover that the man is actually dead, so you haul his body outside and dump it some distance away and return to your house. You notice your neighbor observing you doing this and you quickly duck inside and work out how you are going to explain this. You finally discover that this is not your house. The Phoenix-March You are horrified to learn that there is someone out their who looks exactly like you interacting with the your friends and family when you are not around. The worst part is when those same individuals tell you how much you've improved as a person, and you are finally nice to be around. The Sea Dragon-April While a guest at an exciting Halloween costume party, you compliment a fellow guest's creepy hunchback costume, only to be informed it is not a costume. So you end up apologizing profusely and feel guilty for the rest of the evening. Later, the hunchback runs off with your date. The Hermit-May You neighbors will glare at you with contempt and treat you like a pariah. Mobs with torches and pitchforks gather around your home to insist that you take down your Christmas decorations. The Llama-June Do you remember that poor NPC escort that you lured back to your place to be sacrificed on Halloween all those years ago? Well, that NPC is still out there waiting in the darkness.....honing its skills....looking for payback! The Ancient Wyrm-July Sinister forces steal vet rewards from your locked containers inside your home never to be seen again. GMs are baffled, and will repeat this story around campfires for years to come. The Anvil-August A routine trip through a moongate sweeps you into a featureless, desolate, landscape stretching into infinity. You survey the lifeless expanse and wonder where you can buy a castle deed. The Weaver-September You will be stalked by a dark entity; a practically unstoppable and ruthless killing machine bent on your destruction. It will tirelessly follow you to some isolated location where you can then beat on it for over an hour without worrying about anyone else jumping in and stealing all the cool loot that it must be carrying. The Wisp-October A freak cauldron explosion blows you to pieces where you embark on a journey of realization overcoming your cynicism concerning the over-commercialization of Halloween and finally embrace the true meaning of the holiday. You later discover that it was all a dream. Or was it? The Unicorn-November Beware the Ideas of March! It might seem early, but these things can creep up on you especially when you get busy. The Wanderer-December A strange, menacing figure wanders into town, who seems to have the uncanny ability to grant people the answer to their prayers. Intrigued, you investigate further to find out that he is a rather cool guy with some nice deals at very reasonable prices. ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT Halloween Fun and Tips Moms, costumes for kids are expensive to buy, and time consuming to make. Instead, send your kids to the Passage of Tears mini champ spawn to fight the Renowned Acid Elemental for a chance at a costume drop. The drop rate is low, but it will teach them valuable lessons in independence, hard work, and the treatment of burns. Avoid sending your kids out on trick or treat night with anything bright or reflective. Dress them in black or dark clothing instead as this will help them evade the many undead set upon devouring them. Discourage your kids from eating the Halloween candy that will only make them scream in pain for days. Encourage them to sell their Halloween deco on their Luna vendors for quick profit, and to give away their candy to annoying stealthers instead. Teach your kids about where to go when trick or treating. Remember fighters and bards are stingy cheapskates, but homeless gargoyles are very generous; even as they are being killed by black blobs of evil.