After years of research, I have developed a new theorem regarding traffic patterns: traffic congestion anticipates and adjusts to your schedule to ensure that you will always be late, regardless of forethought or planning. Whether you leave five minutes late or an hour early, traffic will ensure that you arrive precisely 10-15 minutes late for any meeting, appointment, special occasion, etc. This also suggests a unique, undiscovered property of traffic: namely, its life. All living things are able to (a) reproduce, (b) move, (c) grow, (d) respond to stimuli, and (e) execute metabolic activities. Traffic congestion is able to do all of the above. Hence, I conclude that traffic possesses life and consciousness, and that it is out to get you. That is all.