THE YEW TIMES DECEMBER 2013 WORLD NEWS KEY WITNESS FOUND DEAD Investigators are distressed over the latest development where Elinore Green, a star witness in an organized crimes trial was found dead, apparently having electrocuted herself by using a lightning wand while bathing in her new clawfoot bathtub. A spokesman for the Investigations department was dismayed at the obvious senselessness of the incident in light of the dire need to find credible witnesses to indict key criminal organizers in the case. The spokesman stated that this has been the worst setback in the investigation since the previous key witness accidentally shot himself twice in the back of the head with a crossbow. CITIZENS UPSET WITH BROKEN HOLIDAY TRADITION An unfriendly gathering of locals surrounded Empathy Abbey hurling slurs against the monks over their failure to maintain an old holiday tradition. Citizens had petitioned that the monks display the Candle of Love at the abbey as they had done in the past during the holiday season. So far there has been no positive response from the brothers of the Abbey. One citizen spoke on the matter saying, "We all have fond memories of the tradition. Every year my pa would bring me to the abbey and the candle would be lit, and there would be a large crowd gathered. Then the head abbot would come out and give an unforgettable speech on the principle of love that would bring a tear to your eyes. He would say something or another about love, or being kind kind to others or something. Sometimes, some drunken wise guy would show up and try to talk over the padre, and they'd later find that someone tuned that guy up with a tree branch or something, and left him lying out in the snow outside." Another local offered, "Yeah, it's a shame that they don't have anyone in charge like Father Whatshisface from years ago. This place is obviously now run by a bunch of morons with no respect for traditional values or people in general. Why is it so much trouble to put the stupid candle out so people could enjoy it?" NAUGHTY AND NICE REWARDED THIS YEAR This holiday season, even those on the naughty list received something in their stockings. An ettin with contented expressions on its faces was seen sporting an extra long scarf wrapped about its necks. Not even the forgotten servants in the abyss were forgotten this year, and were last seen enjoying a 15' party sub. Paroxymous couldn't wait to try his new Shake-a-Weight; having put on a few pounds over the holiday season. The Slasher of Veils was slashing open the wrapping paper of a wrapped hot chocolate sampler. Even the blind gazer selling pencils at the honesty moongate received a gift to lift his spirits; warm woolen mittens. ADVERTISEMENTS Join the Jelly of the month club now and receive a special 50 gp discount. This month's flavor: pinecone Wendy Wonderland and the Sosarian Bell ringers will regale elderly residents of the Britain Assisted Living facility with a wintry extravaganza of merriment. The ringers will provide 2 hours of everyone's Christmas favorites while Wendy rhythmically shakes her snow globes. The festivities will end with a raffle. A Lucky winner will be awarded a decorative yule log, and attendees will receive a complimentary fruit cup and a moistened towelette. CHILDREN'S CORNER A VISIT FROM "THAT GUY" Twas late in December When the snow on the ground Lay clean and unbroken And deep as you're round. The folks in the village Were a snuggled abed Still drunk from last night With a pain in the head. When from down the lane Came a jingle of tack Twas a great hairy beast With a man on its back. But this was no man For he raged as he came Like one who is mad Completely insane. He lashed at his beast As he cackled with glee He circled the square Dragging a tree. The tree did protest But he silenced its rout With a swing from a club Pon its head did he clout. He centered the tree On the hill in the square So it could be seen From most anywhere. Then he leaped to his beast As it bellowed and started Hiked up his leg And trumpet-like farted. "From now on mortals I do decree Go forth on this day And kill you a tree!" Then he lashed at his beast And threw gifts on the ground Belching and farting On his way out of town The townsfolk stood shocked Quite unsure who to thank When he shouted back, "Merry Christmas to all from Grizlor the Rank!"