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Yew Times = Issue 12

Discussion in 'UHall' started by YewTimes, Jul 23, 2013.

  1. YewTimes

    YewTimes Visitor

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    issue 12

    WORLD NEWS
    _______________

    EXPOSURE UPSETS CANDIDATES HOPES
    A recent revelation may hurt the election chances for Vesper governor candidate, Rufus Elderwyn. Investigations have unearthed Elderwyn's ties to an underground rich boys club that meet covertly on one of Britannia’s non-descript islands for a bizarre costumed affair. Activities include dressing up as llamas and being herded, and groomed by other members dressed as shepherds. In the warmer months, llama members would be sheared followed by a trip to the carrot patch as a sort of treat. The group maintained anonymity until outsiders noticed the unusual exchanges between members and decided to investigate further. Publically, members of this group would identify each other by offering some subtle gesture that outsiders might overlook. In this case, one would discretely place both index fingers to the side of his head, and wiggle them playfully. If the second was an affiliate, he would recognize the gesture and follow suit. Sometimes, this would continue for minutes at a time. Then both would gently nuzzle before parting ways. The general public has not been very affable in embracing this odd cult, and generally categorizes them as a bunch of rich perverts who should be flogged. Elderwyn has remained silent on the allegations.


    CURE SOUGHT FOR MAGICAL SYNDROME
    Britannia's physicians are taking a serious look at the ongoing affliction that has been plaguing the lives of its magic-using citizens. By now, many are familiar with Krazwell's disease; a condition that strikes veteran mages, that causes them to involuntarily weave magic gestures and utter spell words in the midst of carrying on a normal conversation. Bystanders and loved ones will often find the condition distracting, but mainly look on in pity and concern for those afflicted by this cruel disease. Those afflicted also face concern that others might come to distrust their actions, or shy away from them. Lawrence, an alchemist and veteran mage confided that he would insist that no one speak to him while he works in the laboratory, lest his spoken response trigger a casting-incident and splashing bystanders with some caustic acid or lethal substance that he may be holding. Another individual who agreed to speak anonymously stated that he was always very verbal in the bedroom, but his condition has adversely affected his love life. Experts in the field are urging those suffering with Krazwell's to not lose hope, because there is a cure in the future, but it might just take a very long time.


    OLD FRIENDS PART WAYS
    For decades, the locals of Yew have looked on in amusement of an unlikely odd couple that would frequent their taverns and establishments. One being a broad shouldered, towering giant of man by the name of Yorik, and the other following in his shadow, being a bearded fellow no taller than 3 foot high. The little man, whose name is not known, would shuffle vigorously to keep pace with the giant. If any were tempted to make fun of the spectacle, it is certain that the sight of Yorik was enough to make that person hold his tongue. Often they would be seen drinking quietly at the Serpent Cross Tavern; with not a word uttered between the two in that quiet unspoken rapport that exists between old compatriots who know what the other is thinking. Wherever Yorik would go, his little shadow would be right nearby, until this past Thursday, when the tiny man passed away in his sleep. When asked, of how he was coping with the loss of his diminutive friend, Yorik seemed puzzled. When we explained, Yorik replied, "So, there was a little guy following me around all this time? Hmm, I guess I never noticed him."


    TRAVELOGUE
    _____________

    THESE COMMODITIES IN HIGH DEMAND
    Many citizens of Sosaria seem to have been focused on the current elections. In the meantime, with everyone focused elsewhere, there has been a concerning trend. Golden ingots and barbed leather pieces have seen prices sky rocket like never before. "It is crazy!" exclaimed TM Jr, an avid commodities trader and owner of stall E-3 in the tram magincia bazaar. "One day you the best someone is buying barbed leather for is 200 gold and now there is a stall just north of me paying 350," as he grabbed for his over inflated gold pouch and with a sly grin said, "If you knew what you were doing you could have made a mint" Thorn Silverblad, a saltpeter miner by trade (among other things) and owner of stall I-1 in the fel magincia bazaar that trades in ingots as well refused to change his prices saying this, "I've been burned before by this fluctuation game. I will keep my prices low and reasonable and let others chase the quick money." Billy Voltaire the miner thinks it is great. "I trade in fish at my fel bazaar vendor, but I run a little mining shop on the side and supplement my income with mining when the fish trade slows up. Crab and lobster and fish have seen a plateau in commodities. Using the right combination of prospector tool and garg pick, I can cherry pick the most profitable spots for mining. The key is to stick and move. Don't mine out a spot if you can't get the ingots they are buying." Mr. Voltaire refused to share more of his trade secret mining techniques and fears a rise of MK's (Miner Killers) in his secluded mining spots. Maverick the lumberjack had this to say, "Bah! Ingots and leather. No one buys wood anymore?! Guess I will have to go back to my previous profession of dragon slaying. You could probably get 20 pieces of barbed leather off a dragon if you knew how to skin them right. Let's see that is 20 times 350 plus tax minus commission plus fees...bah...why doesn't anyone buy wood anymore?"
    "I tell you it is inflationary tactics and economical fixing! This amounts to insider trading and I believe one or more of the candidates for the recent election were in cahoots!" said the scribe Fido as he scoured the commodity vendors for blank scrolls.Is it just coincidence? Is something running afoul of the newly found political world? We may never know. But in the meantime...it might be time to clear out that extra stock.


    Advertisements
    ______________
    Feeling a bit under the weather or maybe just having a bad hair day? We have the solution to whatever ails you at Ulric's Barber Shoppe, just a short hop up the north road from Trinsic. So, whether you fancy a conservative bowl cut, or a just routine delousing, Ulric will deliver. Feeling phlegmatic? Ulric knows just the correct amount of the evil humours to bleed from you to put you right back on your feet. Only Ulric can claim with pride, "I've never bled anyone to death yet, so help me Crom!" And if you are dissatisfied, he will thow some quality leeches on it for good measure. Nothing but the best at this establishment. And, if you are satisfied with the service, tell a friend. And a generous tip wouldn't hurt either.
    Looking for an innovative cake decorator, caterer and criminal investigator with a strong forensic background and 16 years of experience? Then look no further than Nan the Sweet, at the Jolly Baker shop in Yew proper. So whether you need to serve a large party of wedding guests at a last minute's notice or to shadow a cheating spouse, Nan is the one to call. One satisfied customer states "Nan saved my wedding day, when the other caterer fell through, and then she helped me end my fraud of a marriage two months later by exposing my husband's illicit affair. Thanks, Nan!" Nan is equally at home at a crime scene as she is in the kitchen. 15 time murderer and Yew Prison escapee claims "Nan's keen eye at the murder scenes and presentation of the evidence in court put me behind bars 14 times. What a gal!" And if you have doubts whether a woman can be a talented investigator and cook; Nan used her culinary and investigative skills recently to avert an international incident and the deaths of several prominent ambassadors. While catering a diplomatic affair, Nan deduced that poison was added to the ice cubes and not the drinks, from which the perpetrator himself drank during a toast which he offered. Not only was the peace treaty saved, but the dinner party was flawless and a smashing success. So, whether it's a body, or your daughter's wedding, remember Nan on that special day.



    Horoscopes:
    ___________
    We wish to inform our readers that our usual astrologer is at the healers following an incident where she was backed over by a gypsy cart. We ask that that those who follow Sorcha's column send her some positive energy. Milo, bard of the wilds, will be covering for Sorcha in her absence.

    The Peddler-January
    Show more care in your work. Don't be like the irresponsible beaver who dropped a 5 ton tree on that angry, drunk guys house, and had to live his life looking over his shoulder all the time. Follow mandated safety guidelines at all times at the workplace or jobsite.

    The Mongbat-February
    Try to minimize idle chatter. Remember the walrus that got clubbed to death for being too annoying.

    The Phoenix-March
    Reaching past your limits can have unfortunate consequences, like the moth that tried to steal the candle and thereby burned down some stranger's house, which got blamed on some poor kid who said that he saw the candle flying around the room. Personally, I don't see a problem with this. From the moth's perspective, he isn't very pro-human anyway, so it's kind of a win-win thing. You just got to feel sorry for the kid.

    The Sea Dragon-April
    You are far too timid. Come out of your shell every once and a while. Don't forget what happened to the turtle that got mistaken for a rock and mistakenly loaded into a catapult, but lived 58 seconds of excitement in those final moments of life.

    The Hermit-May
    Try not to be something that you are not, or making up misleading titles. Sort of like candy corn.. It's not corn. It's not candy. Are you the one responsible for making this inedible stuff?

    The Llama-June
    When you are having fun, don't let your enthusiasm obstruct others, or you'll end up like the annoying dolphin who got brained on the keel of a passing fishing boat.

    The Ancient Wyrm-July
    Become familiar with your strengths and weaknesses and you won't become a victim like the alligator who fell from a tree into a stake pit trying to catch the squirrel whose particular strength was climbing trees and building traps of the sharpened stake pit variety.

    The Anvil-August
    Try to be more collected under trying circumstances. Do you recall the druid who lost her cool and summoned a hurricane on a small coastal fishing village? It turned out that she jumped to conclusions and she had a few spotted mushrooms beforehand that clouded her judgment. I'm not sure if anyone ever found out that she was responsible.

    The Weaver-September
    Be more open minded to new things. Don't be like that marmot that saw it's reflection for the first time in a mirror, had difficulty coping with the trauma and developed a spit personality.

    The Wisp-October
    Sometimes it is ok to surrender and accept the things that you cannot change. When the fox got his leg stuck in a trap, he came to the realization that he didn't want to gnaw off his own leg and resigned himself to his destiny of being the best pelt that he could be.
    The Unicorn-November
    Times will become more difficult down the road. So, be patient like the blind mongbat that was poked by sticks by the local roughnecks and got his final sweet, bloody revenge.

    The Wanderer-December
    It never pays to be too cocky. Don't be like that wannabe pugilist who thought he was all badass and tried to punch a wisp. Boy, that guy ended up looking like a well-done steak.
     
  2. Varingian

    Varingian Seasoned Veteran
    Stratics Veteran The Squirrel Empire

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    That is good stuff! Well done.

    Sent from my HTC6435LVW using Tapatalk 2
     
  3. startle

    startle Siege... Where the fun begins.
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend Gilfane

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    Brightened my day, thx....;)
     
  4. old gypsy

    old gypsy Grand Poobah
    Professional Stratics Veteran Campaign Patron PITMUCK

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    I swear I didn't do it!
     
    startle and Spiritless like this.
  5. startle

    startle Siege... Where the fun begins.
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend Gilfane

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    Yea, right...;)
     
    old gypsy likes this.