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Cats are bad. BAD. (so so so OT)

Discussion in 'UO Sonoma' started by Pluffina, Apr 28, 2003.

  1. Pluffina

    Pluffina Guest

    Okay so my Mother In Law was in town for the weekend, and we sat up talking and then my son was having allergies and my daughter was being a crab pot, and by the time we got to bed it was VERY LATE INDEED and I was very very tired. I fell deep deep into the dreamless sleep of the depleted.

    And then after a satisfying 10 minutes or so in which I am SURE I got all the sleep I needed for a week, MY STUPID CAT............

    Okay let me pause here and describe my cat. He is a large male Main Coon. He weighs about 20 pounds, and then he has 20 pounds of fur over that. To summarize: He is large. If cats were cars, he would be a tricked out Caddy AND a Buick.

    On Saturday, in a moment of pure, vibrant stupidity, he forgot that. He suddenly thought he was a twinkle-toed daisy-light fairy in a drifty skirt with little buzzing wings, and he went LUMBERING down the hall and attempted to hurl himself bodily over the babygate at the top of the stairs.

    Now let me tell you, his USUAL method for getting over the baby gate is to drag himself over by inserting his feet in the horizontal slats and heaving himself up it as if it were a ladder. Then, once at the top, he sort of oozes over and flollops to the ground like a giant furry slug.

    BUT NOT THIS TIME. This time he thought he was somehow going to go lightly leaping over it like a gazelle. He managed to get himself about 8 inches off the ground and, airborne, he SMACKED VIOLENTLY against the gate, loosing it from its moorings. It toppled over sideways and went hurtling down the stairs with the cat on top of top of it, riding it thumpity-bump down the stairs as if it were a sled, screaming in horror. At the bottom it clattered to an earthshattering halt on the marble floor.

    Before he was halfway down the stairs I had already bolted out of bed and flew to the baby's room, sure the crib was collapsing and murdering her. On the way past the stairs I clocked the cat at the bottom stepping off the baby gate in a prissy manner, as if he has NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED HERE.

    My mother in law is yelling WHAT WHAT OH LORD WHAT from her bed, my daughter's eyes have popped open and she screaming like she is being eaten by demented bears. In short every female in the house is pop eyed with alarm and every female heart has come leaping out of every female chest cavity and landed with as much grace as the cat in the floor.

    Where is bob? Dead asleep.
    Where is my son? Dead dead asleep.
    Where is the cat? Sauntering off unconcerned, as if to say "I MEANT to do that."


  2. sse_goku

    sse_goku Guest

  3. Guest

    Guest Guest

    YES! YES! Anyone who has ever been owned by a cat knows, and can picture, exactly the event that took place.

    THANK YOU for the laugh!
  4. You know a cat was ran over at a car show this weekend I went to hehe
  5. thalia

    thalia Guest

    Ok, being the smart one I decided to print this out and read it out on the back porch. So I am sitting there reading this story and vaguely recognizing that my neighbors are relaxing out on their back porch, as well. Anyway, I'm reading this story and I start laughing out loud unable to control myself. I can't stop laughing and I hear my neighbors sad, sad attempt at a whisper wondering what I could possibly be laughing at... alone... outside.

    So eventually, I head inside to read the story to my mother who desperately needed a break from her studies anyway. I lose composure, again, several times while trying to read it to her. We are both laughing rather hard. Eventually, we start reminding each other of similar incidents with some of our own cats throughout the years which naturally causes us to lose composure, yet again.

    We can completely relate to your story and, as mentioned previously, anyone who owns or has ever owned a cat can relate to this sooooo well. Yes, I did picture this HUGE main coon (I've had one before and they really ARE HUGE) riding down the stairs, holding on for dear life while getting a ride that many people would actually pay for at a fair.

    People who don't own cats cannot imagine all that a cat can do and the ruckus they can cause. They can make you laugh till your sides hurt and your eyes water uncontrollably. They can make you so mad you want to punt kick them into the middle of the ocean. They can make you melt into a puddle of "awwww's" They can make you wonder if they are sane. And you continually think about how easy their lives really are.

    Anyhoo, thanks for sharing Pluffy. To laugh that hard was great!
  6. Calanthe

    Calanthe Guest

    OMFG u just reminded me.. I woke up this morning to see wet cat vomit on my puter chair... and as I read this post.. I realised I was sitting in it... *gags* time to shower :\
  7. Ascension

    Ascension Guest

    cats > *
  8. Guest

    Guest Guest


    I laughed so hard that I thought I was going to pass out from not being able to breath!!!

    Thank's for sharing Pluff!
  9. LOL, that's hilarious.

    It's amazing all the things that happen at your place Pluffy. That stuff never happens at our house. I know, because I'm sure I'd wake up if it ever happened...

    Just like a few weeks ago. My wife says that our youngest had a bloody nose in the middle of the night. She takes after her dad and gets those quite often. My wife says there was blood everywhere.

    I told her it must have been a dream because if it was true I'm sure it would have woken me up.
  10. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I don't know how to introduce this, except to say most of you have probably seen it already. But for those who haven't, you might get a kick out of it.


    Dear Cat Owner,

    Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
    have both lids lifted.

    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the

    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
    both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
    escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to
    the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they
    can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never
    mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
    enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and
    rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

    6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
    there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
    both lids.

    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
    outside where he will dry himself.


    The DOG

  11. Kolakrom

    Kolakrom Guest

    Why would a man wake up? The minute he does, his wife's going to be yelling at him for -not- waking up. Procrastination AND ridiculously flawed logic in the same sentence!
  12. hahahahahahahhahahahahhahahaha
  13. Good laugh Pluffy. Thanks

    But I bet you never read what your cat is writting in its diary:

    Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

    I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

    And since we are in the diaries here is the excerpt from a dog's diary:

    Day number 180

    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

    Day number 181

    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
  14. Guest

    Guest Guest

    ohhh.......... pain of laughter...
  15. Raylion

    Raylion Guest

    How did you know he tried to leap over when you were asleep in your bed? You mean you got the 6th vision where you can see things even when ur asleep???
  16. Pluffina

    Pluffina Guest

    I was able to reconstruct the crime using my powers of deduction and my knowledge of this particular cat and the delusions under which he sometimes suffers. This is not the first time he has behaved as if he were a 5 pound ballerina instead of a huge hunk of pendulous cat meat.

    ALSO I am assuming he missed the jump because Schubert has only one eye. Someone shot it out with a pellet gun before we owned him. Therefore his depth perception is poor, and he very seldom leaps over things as he has a hard time calculating his jumps. I have seen his attempts at leaping end badly before this.

    Considering the noises, my knowledge of this cat's particular foibles, and seeing baby gate that was at the top of the stairs suddenly at the bottom with my cat on it......Well! It was elementary, dear Watson!

  17. Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
    The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitten. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it. You know where the button is."
    "Reset it yourself!" I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).
    "I'm scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in? (Pause) C'mon, it'll only take a second."
    So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its nashing metal teeth, it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
    At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter," they pried, "cat got your tongue?"
    If they had only known.
  18. HawkML

    HawkML Guest

    You never own a cat...they own you! Look at all the things you do for them!

    That reminds me of a certain Thanksgiving dinner... We had about 15 people over for dinner, so our cockatoo was being loud trying to impress people. Eventually he was hopping around the top of his cage....and fell off. That bird was so embarassed he shut up and tried to hide for the rest of the day.
  19. Pluffina

    Pluffina Guest




  20. Tellah_FSH

    Tellah_FSH Guest

    I think we need to see a picture of this One-eyed, Sumo kittie!
  21. Guest

    Guest Guest

    *in tears*

    This thread should have a "You will laugh till you cry" warning on it


    (I second Tellah's request Pluffy - I wanna see a pic of this cat! /php-bin/shared/images/icons/smile.gif)
  22. Raylion

    Raylion Guest

    I sensed all this was coming the moment you mentioned you snuck your head underneath the sink...Anyway, just curious, WHAT DID YOU DO TO THAT KITTEN????????

    PS: I imagine when you were knocked out, your entire body should be crashing to the floor, does that mean the kitten which was holding on to your was being crushed to death by you??? /php-bin/shared/images/icons/biglaugh.gif
  23. LichKing

    LichKing Guest

    *Couldn't stop laughing the entire thread* Now that brings back so many memories of my own cats... *Looks on top of the monitor at his cat trying to eat his origami crane he made* Damnable creatures. If they weren't so cute... *Shakes his fist*
  24. BobMcForge

    BobMcForge Guest


    Where is bob? Dead asleep.
    Where is my son? Dead dead asleep.
    Where is the cat? Sauntering off unconcerned, as if to say "I MEANT to do that."



    Sooo.... a few days ago we had an earthquake in Georgia. No, really, we had an earthquake. It was around 4.5 on the richter scale and it was centered in north Georgia near the Alabama state line. It hit at around five a.m. I was in the kitchen making the coffee and debating between cereal (Oatmeal Raisin Crisp), an english muffin, or perhaps my son's Quaker Dinosaur Egg oatmeal. Aparantly God decided on Quaker because that's when the quake hit.

    It lasted about ten seconds. It was a rumble through the house that set up vibrations in fun things like the windows, china cabinets, etc... There was no damage, nothing fell off the wall. It was nowhere near as exciting as a California quake. It did, however, make a fair amount of noise. My son came trundling down the stairs sleepily saying, "Dad, what are you doing down there?".

    Naturally I replied, "Stabling the elephants. Go back to bed", which he promptly did. When he's sleepy enough you can get away with answers like that. It's all in the delivery.

    Who did not stir, during this earth shaking event? Our baby girl. Who else did not stir? Pluffy.

    Men indeed. Sheesh!

    Bob McBob
  25. Guest

    Guest Guest


    You guys crack me up....


    Naturally I replied, "Stabling the elephants. Go back to bed", which he promptly did. When he's sleepy enough you can get away with answers like that. It's all in the delivery. <blockquote><hr>

    My kids always wonders what I have in my plate...9 out of 10 times its something they will taste then promplty toss it back into my plate and say YUCK!
    I have adapted....Now when they stroll up and ask what I am eating I simply say "This is dog gut's and horse puke.....want some?".......It works,I swear/php-bin/shared/images/icons/smile.gif
  26. flatscan

    flatscan Guest

    I'm on your side for this one. My 20 lbs tom cat use to throw down with the metal kitchen garbage almost nightly, leaving me a mess to clean in the morning. Of course the dog never once barked either. to busy taking garbage bribes.

    I always seem to sleep through stuff and find surprizes in the morning. Odd thing is, i miss having a cat and dog around.
  27. douglatz

    douglatz Guest

  28. LOL pluffy.. i could sit here telling stories of my 29 pound cat ..but unfortunatly i dont want to end up in court for murder charge's after you all die from laughing so hard.lets just say.. i dont own my home my cat does.. he just allows me to live here with him.. and if he doesnt get what he wants no one has any peace and quiet till he gets it..
  29. Guest

    Guest Guest

    *looks around sneakily to make sure no one is watching*

    *accidently bumps into the thread*

    Oops. Sorry.
  30. Evil..... -.-
    Repent foul demon!!
  31. Hatchet

    Hatchet Guest

    That's the first time I've laughed that hard in months. Thanks. /php-bin/shared/images/icons/smile.gif
  32. flatscan

    flatscan Guest

    haha, every time i read that story it cracks me up. hehe
  33. Alarcon

    Alarcon Guest

    speaking of cats... can someone bring out the sock kitty to make this thread complete with joy?
  34. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I got a good laugh out of that joke the first time it was emailed to me but then it dawned on my I'd be pretyy ticked at my wife (if this story is actually true) If she made no attempt to put some shorts on my knocked out self before the paramedics arrived.