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Funny man

Discussion in 'UO Great Lakes' started by Black Betty, May 22, 2008.

  1. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
    Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
    would take a few inches off of your butt!'

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
    comment go unrewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
    'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
    appeared when he shook them out.
    'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder
    in my underwear?'

    She replied ..'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'
  2. Teufel_Hund

    Teufel_Hund Guest

    LOL Score one for Betty!
  3. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    goes for women too:

    "If you give women fire, they will be warm for a day.
    If you set a women on fire she will be warm for the rest of her life."

    Goes both ways, but this seems to suit the situation.
  4. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest


    Ya gotta love a man with a sick, twisted sense of humor.

    The 'Miracle Grow' comment is funnier = I win;)
  5. Googly

    Googly Guest

    Hes concerned about her health, in the form of weight loss, and she only cares about her own greedy sexual pleasure.

  6. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    This one is for arrabella:

    A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

    Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

    So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

    The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
  7. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?


    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?


    What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs hammered into a piece of wood?


    Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

    A: Because they're ugly and they stink.
  8. What do you call mad with no arms or legs in water.


    What about on in front of a door?

  9. FireCrazy

    FireCrazy Guest

    Q: What do you call two men that hang over your windows?

    A: Kurt and Rod
  10. CFC Rachel

    CFC Rachel Adventurer
    Stratics Veteran

    May 22, 2008
    Likes Received:
    Being a member of the Chicken Fight Club, you cant beat a good animal joke

    A penguin takes his car to the shop, to get it repaired.
    The mechanic says to give him an hour to check it out,
    And he could give him a better idea of what was wrong.
    The penguin, with an hour to kill, decides to take a walk,
    As he leaves the garage he spies an ice cream shop across the street.
    *Everyone knows that penguins love ice cream*
    He goes in and orders the largest ice cream they have.
    Now being that penguins don’t have hands,
    He gets ice cream all over his face and beak.
    When the hours is up, he wanders back into the garage
    Where the mechanic tells him, “it looks like you just blown a seal.”
    The penguins says, “no, its just ice cream.”
  11. CFC Rachel

    CFC Rachel Adventurer
    Stratics Veteran

    May 22, 2008
    Likes Received:
    To keep with the spirit of this post, Il add this one

    A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
    Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
    While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the man gets on top of
    He kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
    While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife:
    'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, Look at his clothes!
    He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in
    I saw how he kissed your neck.
    If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, Do whatever he tells you.
    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
    This guy is obviously very dangerous.
    If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
    Be strong, honey. I love you!'
    His wife responds:
    'He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
    He told me that he's gay, and thinks you're cute, and he asked if we had any Vaseline.
    I told him it was in the bathroom.
    Be strong honey.
    I love you too.'
  12. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    You say that like it's a bad thing. lol
  13. O'berry

    O'berry Guest


    We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


    (1) The woman buys the food.
    (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
    < B>(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

    Here comes the important part:


    More routine....

    (5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
    (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

    Important again:


    More routine....

    (8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
    (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:
    (10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
    (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
  14. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light

    Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one
    else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know
    that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS
    before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't
    be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been
    in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
    But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER,
    the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
    ROLL !!

    I'm sorry. What was the question?

  15. Teufel_Hund

    Teufel_Hund Guest

    Psst....you wanna buy a couple a Midol....it's really good stuff! lol very funny Betty
  16. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    Toilet paper? Whats that?
  17. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    You haven't been in 'redneck, hillbilly, backwoods country' long enough to have forgotten what toilet paper is.
  18. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    *Patitions against womens suffrage*

  19. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    You, as a man, are part of the reason for women suffering, lol.;)
  20. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    Im just trying to help *coughs*
  21. hydro

    hydro Guest

    ok ill add one too

    what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

    nothing....you already told the biaaach 2 times..... :lol:
  22. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest


    That's ok. Ya gotta sleep sometime, Darlin'. :p
  23. Bazer

    Bazer Slightly Crazed
    Professional Stratics Veteran Alumni Stratics Legend

    Oct 7, 2003
    Likes Received:
    ROFL!! :thumbup: More Jokes! :thumbup: More Jokes!:thumbup:

  24. hydro

    hydro Guest

    how many men does it take to open a beer?

    none! it should have been opened when the biaach brought it to him!! :lol:
  25. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.

    He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.

    He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

    "It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

    Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a mand should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.

    Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

    Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

    God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

    "What's it called?" asked Eve.

    "Brains," said God.

  26. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    This is war :cursing:

    -What does a woman and carpet have in commen?
    If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them later

    -Why did the woman cross the road?
    It doesnt matter, why was she out of the kitchen in the first place.

    -What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
    The back of my hand.

    -Why don't women need a watch?
    There's a clock on the stove.

    -Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
    If you drink two it makes you talk crap and drive horrible.

    Best for last:
    -How are women and a pile of dog crap alike?
    The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !!!!!!!!!!
  27. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    I accept your "war"! I will also accept when you surrender, lol.

    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

    With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

    God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

    And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
  28. Dreamspinner

    Dreamspinner Guest

    OK Here is my attempt.

    A woman confides in her husband that she wanted a breast enhancement, but was depressed that the operation would cost over $10,000.

    The husband replied "Just rub a sheet of toilet paper between them."

    "How can that help?" she asked.

    "I dont know how it works, but look what it's done for your butt!"
  29. Teufel_Hund

    Teufel_Hund Guest


    Barbosa you are fighting a losing battle, I spent years in the Marine Corps and years in bars with some of the rudest and crudest men you will ever meet. BUT you will never ever be able to beat a woman at jokes like this. Trust me I know if you put a group of 10 men together and a group of 10 women together the women will talk about ruder and cruder subjects because women talk about things that men will not, and they will feel no shame in discussing them, and well Betty seems to be their Queen! By all means though keep trying because this thread is most entertaining!
  30. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    LOL, Teuf!

    Too funny!
  31. Aibal

    Aibal Slightly Crazed
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend

    May 14, 2008
    Likes Received:
    I second this. My sister is an RN....she spent 15 years working the emergency room/trauma units at a large urban hospital, and the last 7 years as head of the oncology department at another hospital. Women are BAD, but nurses in particular are the rudest, crudest people you will ever meet (and also some of the absolute BEST). I won't even get into this battle lol.
  32. Teufel_Hund

    Teufel_Hund Guest

    I notice however that you made no attempt at denial! ;)
  33. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

    The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

    Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

    The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

    When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

    "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a frickin gritter!"

    Typical blonde...
  34. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight , "I promise!"

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

    Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

    Next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight ". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with
    that one!

    Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

    When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. s**t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
  35. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

    "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

  36. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    Black Betty was on her deathbed with her husband, Leroy Jenkins, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
    She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Leroy," she whispered.
    "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
    But she was insistent. "Leroy," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
    "There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping Leroy. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now."
    "No, no. I must die in peace, Leroy. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
    Leroy mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Betty, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
  37. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    LOL had to show this one...


    By the way. Its not over till its over... This prediction of one post makes her a winner? lol no no no... This is the assumption that all women have more attitude and witt, then men. You are wrong my friend, this will be bloody. Very bloody. Worst then still frame and magi fighting over whos archer is better. muahahahah
  38. Still Frame

    Still Frame Guest

    Whoa Whoa Whoa!! I don't have an archer anymore....well i guess technically i do but his skills are all changing so he can become a mage :) right now i think he only has archer resist and tactics.
  39. Lynk

    Lynk Grand Poobah
    Stratics Veteran

    May 13, 2008
    Likes Received:

    Q: What do you call a woman of hispanic descent that has no legs?

    A: Cunsuelo
  40. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    A blonde went in the store to buy pink curtains for her computer monitor. The salesman said, "But computers don't need curtains!" She said, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

    A woman went to a dentist to have a tooth pulled and there was instant electricity between the two. They made love right there in his office. She came back week after week after week and they made love over and over and over again. Until one day he told her they'd have to end the affair, as beautiful as it was, because she only had one tooth left.
  41. Teufel_Hund

    Teufel_Hund Guest

    Enough of the war on the sexes how about some Daigo bashing --editorial note I am married to a lil daigo-- anyway words of wisdom from Lil Vito!!


    A teacher asks her class, 'If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on Little Vito.

    He replies, 'None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

    The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.'

    Then, Little Vito says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

    To which Little Vito replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


    Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.

    'Why?' asks Little Vito's father

    'The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'? I said '6,' replies Little Vito.

    'But that's right!' says Little Vito's Dad.

    'Yeah, but then she asked me: 'How much is 3x2?''

    'What's the f#cking difference?' asks Little Vito's father..

    'That's what I said!'


    Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!'

    The teacher replied, 'Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

    Little Vito thinks for a bit and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'


    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice correctly.

    First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'

    'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful.'

    She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito. He said, 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f#cking beautiful!'


    Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

    Little Vito replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

    The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

    Little Vito answered, 'No, he minded his own f#cking business!
  42. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    Two guys hear about this wh*rehouse in Texas. It’s the best wh*rehouse in the world, so they take a week off of work for a road trip down there. When they get there, one of them realizes that he forgot his wallet. He asks his buddy for some cash and he says
    "Sorry bro, I’m gettin all the sex I can get for my money."

    So he searches all over his car, and finally finds 65 cents. He goes to the owner of the wh*rehouse and explains his situation.

    The owner says, "I tell you what, there is this old lady on the top floor who has been begging me to get back into it, you can have her all night long for 65 cents." The guys figures screw it, old sex is better than no sex at all, so he gives the owner his 65 cents and goes to the top floor.

    He starts to have sex with this lady and about half way through he says, "You know this is alright, but its kinda dry"
    "Oh I know just how to fix that" the old womnn says as she goes into the bathroom. She comes out a few minutes later, and they start to have sex again. The guy says "Oh my god this is amazing! What did you do?"
    "Oh I just peeled off the old scabs."

  43. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    What do you call three blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes.
  44. Dreamspinner

    Dreamspinner Guest

    A blonde woman was pulled over by a female blonde cop. When asked for her license, the driver replied "What's that?"
    "The rectangular plastic thing in your purse that has your picture on it." the blonde cop said.
    After a minute of digging, the blonde driver produces a rectangular compact. Seeing herself in the mirror she hands it over to the officer.
    The officer looks at the compact, shakes her head slowly, and hands it back to the driver saying "Why didnt you identify yourself as a police officer in the first place?"
  45. Barbosa

    Barbosa Guest

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
    her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to
    Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't
    twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
    think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

    "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just
    couldn't believe someone made love to you twice. Have a good day and
    thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
  46. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    THAT is awesome (even though I am blonde!).

    A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00."
    The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?"
    The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."

  47. O'berry

    O'berry Guest

    Heres one for us moms.

    Six married men will be dropped
    on an island with one car and

    3 kids each
    for six

    Each kid will play two
    sports and either take music
    or dance

    There is no fast food.

    Each man must take care of his 3 kids;
    his assigned house clean,
    all homework, and
    science projects,
    do laundry,
    and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

    In addition, each man will
    have to budget in money for groceries each week.

    Each man must
    remember the birthdays of
    all their friends
    and relatives, and send
    cards out on time--no emailing.

    Each man must also take each
    child to a doctor's
    appointment, a
    dentist appointment and a
    haircut appointment.

    He must make one unscheduled
    and inconvenient
    visit per child to the Urgent

    He must also make cookies
    for a social function.

    Each man will be responsible for
    decorating his own
    assigned house, planting
    flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

    The men will only
    have access to television when the kids are asleep and
    all chores are done.

    The men must shave their legs,
    wear makeup daily,
    adorn himself
    with jewelry, wear
    yet stylish shoes,
    keep fingernails
    polished and
    eyebrows groomed.

    During one
    of the six weeks,
    the men
    will have to endure severe
    abdominal cramps, back aches, and have
    extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from
    other duties.

    They must attend weekly
    school meetings, church,
    and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar

    They will need to read a book to the kids each
    night and in the morning,
    their teeth and
    comb their hair
    by 7:00 am.

    A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will
    be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday,
    height, weight, shoe size, clothes s ize and doctor's name. Also the child's
    weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's
    favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink,
    favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

    The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins
    only if...he
    still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

    If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again
    for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called
  48. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    Well, Barbosa, I am willing to accept your surrender. I believe I win. :p
  49. Lynk

    Lynk Grand Poobah
    Stratics Veteran

    May 13, 2008
    Likes Received:
    Women never win. Men just tell them they do to get them to stfu.
  50. Black Betty

    Black Betty Guest

    Mmmhhmmmm. You just keep telling yourself that, Darlin'.

    I'm not quite sure where you would get the idea that ANY woman would need a man to tell her that she wins. Especially when it is always obvious. You are a special one, Pooky. You make it hard not to feel sorry for you.