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Joke Thread!

Discussion in 'UO Origin' started by Guest, Jan 5, 2006.

  1. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
    last
    oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00

    ==========================================================

    Oil Change instructions for Men:
    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
    oil,
    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
    for
    $50.00.
    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
    home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
    Cuss.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    Throw
    kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
    filter
    and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
    trash
    can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
    Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
    door
    opener.
    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
    pan
    full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
    backyard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    gasket surface.
    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
    along
    with drain plug.
    27) Drink beer.
    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. ?Re-shovel oily
    dirt
    into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
    ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower
    gas.
    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    kitty
    litter on oil spill.
    30) Drink beer.
    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. ?Wipe eyes with
    oily
    rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
    tightening
    drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33) Begin cussing fit.
    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    36) Beer.
    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood
    flow.
    38) Beer.
    39) Beer.
    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41) Beer.
    42) Lower car from jack stands.
    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
    during
    steps 23 - 43.
    45) Beer.
    46) Test drive car.
    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48) Car gets impounded.
    49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:

    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total - - $4,165.00

    But you know the job was done right!

    AMEN!! [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  2. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
    Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

    "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

    Joke 2
    A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

    The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

    The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
     
  3. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    Things Not to Say on a Date

    There are many of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date:

    - "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

    - "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin."

    - "I used to come here all the time with my ex."

    - "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."

    - "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."

    - "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be, I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

    - "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."

    - "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."
     
  4. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    Here's a good one! I'm sure *many* of you won't apply to it [​IMG]


    Internet Addict Recovery Program


    1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

    2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

    3) I will get dressed before noon.

    4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

    5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

    6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

    7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

    8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

    9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

    10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

    11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

    12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
     
  5. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    If I find lawyer jokes funny, am I going to be one of those really wierd lawyers? [​IMG]

    Enjoy!


    Three Surgeons...

    Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation. They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on.

    The first doctor said, "I like to work on electricians."

    "Why?" the others replied.

    He answered, "When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes."

    The second doctor said, "I like to work on librarians."

    "Why?" the other doctors asked.

    He replied, "Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern."

    The third doctor said, "Well, I like to work on lawyers."

    "Lawyers?!" replied the others suprised.

    "Yes, Lawyers" he stated.

    "But why?" they asked him.

    "Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are interchangable."
     
  6. Guest

    Guest Guest

    The Husband Store

    A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman
    may go to choose a husband from among many men. The
    store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
    attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

    There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
    choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
    back down except to exit the building.

    So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
    The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better
    than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

    So up she goes.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
    The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
    further up?" And up she goes again.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
    looking. "Hmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

    The fourth floor sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking
    and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very
    tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up
    another flight.

    The fifth floor sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
    help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy
    me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to
    the sixth floor she goes.

    The sixth floor sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You a re visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no
    men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
    impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store
     
  7. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    The Man and the Raffle

    While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.


    They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.


    Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.


    Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.


    About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"


    Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?


    "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna' switch back to paper."
     
  8. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    Employee Performance Evaluation Laughs

    1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

    2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

    3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

    4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

    5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

    6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

    7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

    8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

    9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

    10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

    11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

    12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

    14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

    15. "He's been working with glue too much."
     
  9. Suicide Bard

    Suicide Bard Guest

    Cowboy in a gay bar

    A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
    bar.
    "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
    When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
    name of your willy?"
    The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
    drink.
    The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
    me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
    slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his
    SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
    The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will
    give him a second to think it over.
    So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
    beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
    The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty
    cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it
    takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
    A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
    happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you
    guys call yours?"
    The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD,
    because"
    Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
    The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!"
    And gives a wink!
    Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
    comes up with a name for his manhood.
    Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my
    willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
    The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
    look asks, "Why Secret?"
    The cowboy says,
    "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
     
  10. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That’s right."

    So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy.

    "Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

    Joke 2
    An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

    After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

    The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

    The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

    The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

    The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

    "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

    "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

    "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

    That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

    The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

    The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

    The president was happy to oblige.

    The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

    The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

    Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

    He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
     
  11. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    Who's the boss?


    The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.


    Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!


    You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.


    After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will make love the way that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.


    Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


    His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
     
  12. Kelly240

    Kelly240 Guest

    Not exactly a joke, but funny all the same.

    Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those who fly routinely.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
    sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
    (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S by maintenance engineers) . By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


    P: Something loose in ****pit. [edit: argh, I'm guessing you can figure out what this is]

    S: Something tightened in ****pit.


    P: Dead bugs on windshield.

    S: Live bugs on back-order.


    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

    S: Evidence removed.


    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

    S: DME volume set to more believable level.


    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

    S: That's what they're for.


    P: IFF inoperative.

    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


    P: Suspected crack in windshield.

    S: Suspect you're right.


    P: Number 3 engine missing.

    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


    P: Aircraft handles funny.

    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


    P: Target radar hums.

    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


    P: Mouse in ****pit.

    S: Cat installed.


    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

    S: Took hammer away from midget.
     
  13. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

    The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

    A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

    "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

    The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

    Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

    The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

    For all ye Dwarf role players out there!!>>

    Joke 2
    Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the f*cking bed."
     
  14. JadeViper

    JadeViper Guest

    10 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    4. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

    5. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

    6. Don't use any punctuation.

    7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    8. Specify that your drive-through order Is "To Go."

    9. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

    10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
     
  15. Guest

    Guest Guest

    The Best Patients
    Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:
    The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

    The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
     
  16. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Hospital Chart Notes:

    These claim to be actual notes from patients' hospital charts. I sure wish they came with the hospital's names so I could avoid these hospitals...

    1. The patient refused autopsy.
    2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
    3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
    4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
    5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
    6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
    7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
    8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
    9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
    10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
    11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
    12. She is numb from her toes down.
    13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
    14. The skin was moist and dry.
    15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
    16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
    17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
    18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
    19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
    20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
    21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
    22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
    23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
     
  17. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Anybody use Windows ,... doh! lol
    With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

    1. Viruses replicate quickly.
    Windows does this.

    2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
    Windows does this.

    3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
    Windows does this.

    4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
    Windows does that too.

    5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
    Same with Windows, yet again.

    Maybe Windows really is a virus.

    Nope! There is a difference!

    Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.
     
  18. Latobian

    Latobian Certifiable
    Stratics Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2004
    Messages:
    1,551
    Likes Received:
    2
    Just got this in an e-mail thought I'd pass it along. I hope its not on here yet I haven't read the entire thread yet. [​IMG]

    Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

    "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

    "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

    "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

    "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

    He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

    "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

    "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
     
  19. gazellemon

    gazellemon Guest

    Now honestly, how many of us are like this?

    TO MY DARLING HUSBAND :

    I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago. The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house- keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting....Love, Cindy.
     
  20. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

    "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

    Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

    Joke 2
    One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

    Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

    The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

    I know we have all been in this situation,... some time or another,....omg ,...lol
    Joke 3
    A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
    block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

    The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

    Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

    Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

    The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
     
  21. I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every guy on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
    dear, let's go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

    I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
     
  22. Guest

    Guest Guest

    HAHAHA!! That was great LOL!
     
  23. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Thanks,... Nice to know I am not the only one out there that has a Sense Of Humor,....lol
    RED SKY
     
  24. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

    The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

    His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

    Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

    The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had the [censored] buried upside down..."

    Joke 2
    A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

    Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

    "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

    ahahahahhaah
     
  25. coldasice

    coldasice Guest

    all of us married people should appreciate this one


    A Business man and his secretary go on a business trip. Due to a mix up they end up in one hotel room together (2 beds). During the night the secretary complains she is cold and ask her boss to get her an an extra blanket. He tells her that instead of doing that why dont they just pretend for one night that they are married. She says she would like that alot. He says "Good get your own damn blanket!"
     
  26. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.

    The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance."

    The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could."

    The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!"

    "Hell yeah!" the wrestler says. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"

    Joke 2
    A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

    The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

    "No," replies the greeter. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice."

    Joke 3
    When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

    Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

    Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
     
  27. Kai Allard

    Kai Allard Guest

    Whats Brown and Sticky and looks like a Stick?

    A Stick [​IMG]


    What happened to the Irish Jellyfish?

    It Set [​IMG]


    Whats White and sits in the corner?

    A naughty Fridge [​IMG]
     
  28. Kai Allard

    Kai Allard Guest

    Knock Knock
     
  29. LarisaBTH

    LarisaBTH Guest

    Who's There?

    [​IMG]
     
  30. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Bear who?
     
  31. Kai Allard

    Kai Allard Guest

    Bear Bum!

    [​IMG] tehehe...
     
  32. Guest

    Guest Guest

  33. Death Magnet

    Death Magnet Guest

    Remember I don't write the jokes I just pass them around so we all can
    have a few LAUGHS!! If you are easily offended by my jokes.
    Please feel free to take 15 min and hold your breath! The feeling will pass!
    [​IMG]

    Three female cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat
    said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian
    cat."
    The third cat said nothing.

    The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part
    Siamese.
    Their father was a pure bread Siamese." The third cat still said
    nothing.
    Then the first two cats asked her,"What are your kittens?" She replied,
    "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
    ```````````````````````

    Good solutions!!

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of

    boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
    instantly removed.

    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
    someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
    simply using the sink.

    4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
    awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
    from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze
    button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
    will be afraid to cough.

    7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
    forget about the tooth ache..

    AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life
    really are:
    You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it

    should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

    `````````````````````````
    Two blondes bought a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try.
    After a long while, one blonde said to the other, "Well, we'll throw
    him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll just shoot
    the son of a biscuit!"
    ``````````````````
    What's the difference between a blonde and a pot head?
    A pothead stops being too stupid by not inhaling.

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  34. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

    So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

    So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

    So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

    Joke 2
    Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

    Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

    "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

    Joke 3
    The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

    Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
     
  35. Death Magnet

    Death Magnet Guest

    TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

    1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

    2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

    3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

    5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
    considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.



    ***DINING OUT ***
    1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
    fingers covering the label.

    2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant
    may not have dogs.

    ***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

    1 A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
    taxidermist.

    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
    manners are.

    ***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
    done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

    2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
    However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

    3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
    to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

    ***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

    2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
    go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
    ago."

    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
    say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
    it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
    "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."


    ***WEDDINGS ***


    Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

    3. For the groom; at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
    and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

    4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
    occasion.

    5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.


    ***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
    loaded, and the deer is in the sights.

    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
    always has the right of way.

    3 Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

    4 When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
    to ask her to bring back beer.

    5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

    6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


    **TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

    1. All the DNA is the same.

    2. There are no dental records.
     
  36. Death Magnet

    Death Magnet Guest

    Dangerous Virus:

    There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

    This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
    If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone
    else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

    This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

    If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take
    two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor
    (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER).

    Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

    Copy this and send it to 5 of your friends.....
    If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected
    and WORK is controlling your life.
    [​IMG]
     
  37. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    These three friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."

    The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.

    They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

    Joke 2
    A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

    The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."
     
  38. Death Magnet

    Death Magnet Guest

    *My **wife told me a while back that we needed to cut down on our expenses and I needed to quit drinking Macallum Single Malt Scotch. I didn't drink very much but agreed to quit to save money.

    One day I looked at the Macys receipt she brought home and saw that she spent $185.41 on makeup!

    I asked her why I had to quit drinking my 30 year old scotch to save money but she could spend that much on makeup?
    She told me that she buys cosmetics to make herself look beautiful for me.

    I told her that's what the scotch was for*
    `````````````````````````````````````

    One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.
    Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
    She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
    When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
    When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
    With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

    It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

    Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
    ```````````````````````````````
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  39. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
    desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real pancake this time."

    Joke 2
    One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

    So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

    At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

    omg
     
  40. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Joke 1
    A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

    HUSBAND WANTED!
    MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
    MUST NOT BEAT ME,
    MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
    AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
    ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

    On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

    She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

    She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

    Joke 2
    Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

    "My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

    The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your [censored] cat."

    Joke 3
    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

    "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

    The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

    "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

    On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

    OMG! [​IMG]