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[News] The Siege Inquisitor

Discussion in 'UO Siege Perilous' started by Guest, Sep 20, 2006.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <div> <table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"> <tr> <td align="middle" bgcolor="#000000">[​IMG] </td> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif"></td> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle"> [​IMG] </td> <td bgcolor="#000000" align="middle"> <font style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #000000" color="#ff0000">Still only
    5 lashings per issue!</font></td></tr> <tr height="147"> <td align="middle" bgcolor="#000000"> <p align="left"><font style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #000000" color="#f9feba" size="2">For best results, place tongue firmly in cheek.

    Any attempt to take this seriously will be met with the sound of uncontrollable laughter.

    </font></p></td> <td valign="top"> </td> <td valign="top"> <font color="#a90720" size="6">F</font>rom the editor's quill

    Due to a complete lack of awareness of current newsworthy events, this fine publication is forced - FORCED, I tell you - to present the following collection of lies, slander, and dodgy mushroom-and-potion-induced fiction.

    In other words, you shouldn't notice any difference at all.

    So, enjoy this collection of news, current events, gossip, slander, and random items sucked out of various thumbs before it gets outlawed!

    </td><td bgcolor="#000000">       </td></tr> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle">[​IMG]</td> <td></td> <td align="left">[​IMG]</td> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif">[​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#000000" valign="top"> <p align="center">[​IMG]
    <font style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #000000" color="#ffff80" size="2">Life-size pinup in next month's edition!</font></p></td> <td></td> <td valign="top"><font color="#a90720" size="6">B</font> lind Otto returns!

    Yes, the blind miner is back!

    Where has he been? Where did he go? What did he do there? Why is there a snowman holding a sword on his doorstep? Does he own a mirror? These, and other questions will go unanswered for now.

    If you know the answers, please keep it to yourself. We're after REAL news here!

    Apparently he still has no idea what's in his wardrobe, judging by the portrait our intrepid staff painter was able to do for us. It's not fair to blame a blind man for poor fashion sense, but that's never stopped us before! And what's with that haircut???

    Still, after an unintentionally long hiatus, Siege's very own reporter/news manager/coffee boy is indeed back.

    If you have any news stories or ideas please send them via PM.
    Alternately, if you've recently been hit on the head by a large ogre, volunteer for a position as a reporter!</td> <td bgcolor="#000000" valign="top"><font color="#ffffff">Support your local crafters!

    A recent survey has shown that many of Siege's crafters have been forced to learn begging, after the recent influx of soulstones.

    "Everyone is RoTten." remarked one crafter, found pan-handling in the streets of Moonglow. "Ever since all these horrid stones arrived, it's like the insurance plague all over again!"
    </font></td></tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#000000"></td> <td></td> <td align="middle"> <p align="right"><font size="2">Continued on page 10</font>  </p></td> <td align="middle" bgcolor="#000000"></td></tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#000000"></td> <td></td> <td align="left"> [​IMG]</td> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle"> [​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#000000"></td> <td></td> <td><font color="#a90720" size="6">P</font>olar bear sex cult discovered in Luna!

    Our undercover man in Luna reports that, according to several fairly unreliable sources, several of the older members of our society have been enjoying the relatively new practice of mounting polar bears!

    While the bears themselves have known how to do this for countless generations, it seems that the more wrinkly citizens of the land have not only uncovered this secret, but some claim that it has given them a new burst of speed!
    Whether this is due to an irate polar bear chasing them, or some previously undiscovered advantage of old age, remains to be seen.
    </td> <td bgcolor="#000000" valign="top"> <font color="#ffffff">For sale: one dead lizardman. Buy quickly before it decays! 

    Harvest-time Giveaways!
    Hang around at a moongate, quietly calling the passphrase "Cheapsuit, I have loot", to get what you deserve!
    </font></td></tr> <tr> <td align="middle" bgcolor="#000000"></td> <td></td> <td align="middle"> <p align="right"><font size="2">Pictures on page 3</font>  </p></td> <td align="middle" bgcolor="#000000"></td></tr> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle"> [​IMG]</td> <td></td> <td align="left">[​IMG]</td> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle"> [​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#000000" valign="top"><font color="#ffffff">
    Today's matches:
    WAKA vs OTF
    TnT vs OTF
    I^A vs OTF

    Special report:
    OFT - life of a survivor

    Bagball tournament cancelled due to vampires.

    </font></td> <td></td> <td><font color="#a90720" size="6">V</font>andals deface contents of armory. Miners implicated.

    There have been numerous sightings of people attacking other people!
    That's news, you ask? Well, no, it isn't, but a close study of some of the victims revealed that the weapons in question had left various inversed slogans on the corpses.
    One particular corpse, found on the steps of a rather primative structure near the Yew moongate, had the words "Honk if lat lubs uruks" indented backwards on its forehead.

    This has lead to speculation that some vandals are sneaking about in the night, breaking into homes, and writing on our weapons! So, you fighting men of Siege, if you find anyone writing on your weapon, please see a healer, or a tattoo artist immediately.</td> <td bgcolor="#000000" valign="top"><font color="#f9feba">A removal of self-resurrecting Trammelites from Siege.

    Fresh blood. Please deliver to Homare moongate after dark.

    Soap. Don't ask. Deliver to Trinsic swamp ASAP.

    </font></td></tr> <tr> <td align="middle" bgcolor="#000000"></td> <td></td> <td align="middle"> <p align="right"><font size="2">Full story on page 7</font>  </p></td> <td align="middle" bgcolor="#000000"></td></tr> <tr> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle"> [​IMG]</td> <td></td> <td align="left">[​IMG]</td> <td background="http://uo.stratics.com/newspics/siege/inquisitor_blank.gif" align="middle"> [​IMG]</td></tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#000000" valign="top"><font color="#ffffff" size="2">10.  Wanna be clobbered?
    - The Orcettes

    9.  Luna blood bath
    - Reddd!

    8. INSOLENT!
    - the artist formerly known as Wyrm

    7. Wild thing
    - Cu and the Sidhes

    6. Rezkill in Ilsh
    - NEW </font></td> <td></td> <td><font color="#a90720" size="6">W</font>hat is.... Blackrock?

    A new substance has been found in small quantities, in various places around the land. Some drunken mages told this reporter that this may be the mystical reagent required for the armageddon spell, but not everyone agrees with their theory.

    When we attempted to interview Daan Mor, after he had been studying a piece, he couldn't say much, but while trying to re-assemble his teeth, we did manage to understand the phrase "pool... it's BlackPOOL rock that you eat!".

    Hopefully Daan will be out of the healer's hut soon, and won't try biting any more magical items that he found on the ground.
    </td> <td bgcolor="#000000"><font color="#ffffff" size="2">5.  I'm going slightly mad
    - Inu the Crone

    4.  Consumed by a dragon
    - Miss Adventure

    3. Oops, I died yet again
    - Spyderbite

    2. I don't feel like dying
    - The Tailors

    1. War! I know what it's good for!
    - Castor </font></td></tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#000000"></td> <td></td> <td> <p align="right"><font size="2">Meaningless speculation on page 2. </font></p></td> <td bgcolor="#000000"><font style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffffff" size="2"></font></td></tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#000000"><font style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffffff" size="2"></font></td> <td><font size="2"></font></td> <td></td> <td bgcolor="#000000"></td></tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#000000"></td> <td bgcolor="#000000"></td> <td bgcolor="#000000"> <p align="center">
    <font color="#f9feba" size="2"><font size="1">Please direct any complaints about this publication to the Ancient Wyrm's Lair near Compassion moongate.
    </font></p></font></td> <td bgcolor="#000000"></td></tr></table></div> </body>
  2. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Hail Otto,

    Great to have you back among us!
  3. gaH!!! meeb thought meeb klomp'd lat fer guud
  4. *Gives Otto a Hug* Welcome back.
  5. hi Otto, good to have you back...
  6. Mac on SP

    Mac on SP Guest

    Glad to see your doing better Otto.

    That picture of Otto is just wrong. *Shudders*
  7. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I'm happy to see you're well, Otto. You've been missed greatly by the shard.
  8. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Welcome back Otto! You were really missed. [​IMG]
  9. Mandolin

    Mandolin Guest

    Welcome back, Otto! Great report.. as always! [​IMG]
  10. absimiliard

    absimiliard Guest

    So glad you're back Otto. Didn't feel the same with you not around.

  11. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Otto: it is good to see that even a massive cave-in can't keep a blind miner down for long! [​IMG]

    Now, on to important matters.



    Blind Reporter faces multiple charges of first degree fashion felony!

    Authorities came upon a scene of horror in Luna last night. At the preliminary hearing, Emo the Paladin, gave this disturbing account:

    "It was awful...we heard the screams coming from the inner city, and at first thought it was the usual shenanigans and goings on what happen every evening. But then suddenly it got real quiet. It was unnatural like, so I immediately gathered a squad of paladins and city guards, and rushed to the gates that lead to the bank and shopping district."

    Emo visibly paled, and paused here, obviously needing a moment to compose himself, then finally continued...

    "The first thing we saw was a few citizens lying crumpled in heaps near the public moongate. We could see more bodies lying on the steps leading to the shopping district, further in. I knelt down by one of the bodies, and heard a whimpering sound. 'This one's alive!' I yelled to my mates, who were checking some of the bodies lying on the steps. It was a young man, and I recognized him as one of them Bastages, Yucko I think it was, that regularly causes a ruckus in town. Turning him over I looked for injuries, but saw none. I said, 'Now son, tell me what happened'. The lad's eyes were dilated, and he just kept whimpering, and seemed to try to speak. I leaned down close but all I could make out was the words 'hair...everywhere...' Well I tell you it didn't make no sense. The boy was fair out of his mind I figured, but not a scratch on him. I joined my fellow guards and it seemed the others folks were unconscious, but didn't have no injuries best we could tell. In that spooky quiet, we suddenly heard a sound like metal clanging on metal. It was steady, like what you'd hear at the smithy, and seemed to be coming from the vicinity of the shopping district. We left them poor citizens lying where they was in the street, and headed into the heart of the city. We passed more bodies lying on the floor of the bank square. Some were curled up and moaning, but most were just lying unconscious. No one was moving except this one feller, we saw was crawling slowly towards the west gate. I recognized him as one of the city's bigshot traders, Exador I think it was. He was talking to himself, was hard to make out as his head was down, but sounded like 'must renew vendor contracts'. Anyways, we left him to his crawling, and followed the sounds of banging to the smithy."

    Emo shudders, swallows hard, and continues with his testimony

    What we saw when we opened the door...


    Well the city guard are all brave lads, and strong of constitution, but I tell ya, some dropped to the ground right away, eyes rolling back in their heads, and I about lost my dinner on the spot. I think what saved me was these new-fangled blaze glasses I got.

    I knew I had to act quickly to contain the situation. I grabbed up a gray robe that was lying on the ground nearby (don't understand why folk always seem to be tossing them away in the city) and threw it over the old geezer. He acted all confused like when we took his hammer away and started to bind him to take him into custody. 'See here now, you miscreants! What mean you by accosting a humble law abiding smith in such a manner?!' Well I told him to pipe down, and we read him his rights and all, proper like, then tossed him in the lockup. I sent one of the guards to fetch that Nurse Miss Maude to see if there was something she could do for the poor citizens, but..."

    Emo shrugs, as his voice trails off

    A stunned silence followed Emo's testimony. The magistrates thanked the city guard, then after dismissing him, went behind closed doors to confer together. It is yet to be determined what charges are to be levied against the suspect...Blind Otto!

    *Disclaimer: all suspects are to be considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law*

    [/ QUOTE ]

    OK, with that out of the way...

    *hands Otto several blocks of beeswax, pewter bowl, cloth strips, and a heating stand*

    Next time you feel the urge to don such a uh, drafty ensemble, may I suggest your first wax from head to toe? I am sure your loyal scribe will be most willing to yank the strips off with the proper force required. [​IMG]

  12. Sloan

    Sloan Guest

    welcome back... hope all is well with you ...

    finally something else to read besides who got puffied this week
  13. Wulf2k

    Wulf2k Stratics Legend
    Stratics Veteran Stratics Legend Crusader of Chaos

    Feb 27, 2004
    Likes Received:
    In his defense, he could have just come from an OTF slumber party.
  14. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Welcome back!!

    Maybe now I can keep up with what is going on!
  15. Nerf-Herder

    Nerf-Herder Guest

    Funny stuff man. Welcome back!
  16. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Welcome back Otto *Hugs*
  17. Welcome back sir, you were missed.
  18. Welcome back, and my god man, let someone lay your clothing out for you before you get dressed! Matching Colors are no Biggy! But Matching Gender Armor is! Ewww
  19. that pin-up is eff'in hawt!