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So What Will We Fight About NOW?

Discussion in 'EA Land/The Sims Online Stratics Forums' started by Guest, May 2, 2008.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    <u>So What Will We Fight About NOW?</u>
    By Lois Lame

    It all started when my editor, J. Jonah Jerkysim, assigned me to cover the breaking news: The Sims Online had just been cancelled! With so many different angles to look at, where to begin? Should I focus on it’s pioneering innovations, as one of the first social online games? The disgruntled refund-demanders? Or the “rah-rah’s”, still cheering on their favorite game even after its demise?

    And then it hit me: With five years of non-stop arguing about how the game should be run, what in the world would folks argue about now that the game is gone?

    I set out to have this and other questions answered. First stop: Deadwood City, California, home of Electronic Arts, the company that pulled the plug on our beloved game. As I walked down the halls looking for what was left of the TSO/EA-Land staff, I passed by many motivational posters with slogans like “EA -- Ruin Everything” and “You can’t spell GREAD without EA”. Hardly anyone was left, but I did manage to speak with Dev-Team member Lee Fancy, who was still in shock.

    “It floored me when I got the memo about Luc. I had no idea he was leaving.”

    “So what did you do at that point?”

    “What any sim would do in the situation: I ran over to his cube and shouted, ‘Hey, Luc: Can I have you’re stuff?’. And do you know what he said? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID? It will haunt me until my dying day…”

    “What did he say?”

    “He…he…he said he already gave his stuff away -- to PARIZAD!”

    My next step was to visit some sims on their lots, and get their reaction to the news…and to see if they could answer the burning question of what will we fight about now.

    “Oh, I dunno,” said founder Bully Bighead. “The game took up too much of my time, so it’s a blessing in disguise that it ended. This will give me more time to read comic books. Like did you see that new indie title ‘Double Space?’ Oh man, it’s so cool. It’s got two short stories per issue, mostly about space aliens and stuff like that, very camp. Like The Outer Limits or Twilight Zone. So, any way, one of the stories is about this astronaut who goes to a psychologist because he sees ‘Bugs…bugs, everywhere!’ It’s so cool and…”

    “Um…yes…you’re kind of rambling, you know? Perhaps you could focus on the question I asked?”

    “Hey! I was just about to get to the best part, when we find out that the guy’s not really in a psychologist’s office, but rather…”

    “Uh, perhaps you shouldn’t spoil it for our readers?”

    At that moment, our conversation was interrupted by a girl named TheCookingFamily showing up on the lot. But she didn’t have much to say: “All right! That’s it! This was the last straw! I just stopped by to tell everyone I’m leaving! I mean it! This time for real! I quit! Sayonara! Goodbye!”

    I used the intrusion as an opportunity to leave unnoticed, and went to another lot, where I met Bobby Butthead, who looked surprisingly like Bully.

    “Oh, this is just my other account. But anyhow, you wanted to know how I feel, so I’ll tell you. I feel betrayed. The way you feel when your girlfriend dumps you. Have you ever had that happen to you? I was supposed to get married in an online ceremony to Princess Brxyl, who said she was heir to the throne of the planet Grzqloc, here on Earth to study human interactions via online games. She had such cute antennae. But it was all a lie. She wasn’t from Grzqloc. She was from Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky. And she wasn’t a she -- ‘she‘ was a guy! Some thirteen-year-old kid who’s parents shut his account down, the night before our wedding! So that’s how I feel. Betrayed, once again. So I’m gonna sit in this clock tower with my ray gun and…”

    Suddenly, TheCookingFamily showed up again: “All right! That’s it! This was the last straw! I just stopped by to tell everyone I’m leaving! I mean it! This time for real! I quit! Sayonara! Goodbye!”

    I ran for the door, and went to the next place on my list: A store run by everybody’s favorite sim, Greasy Feeto.

    “Well, I’ve been running Greasy’s Garage for as long as I can remember, and never once have I been mean to anyone, anywhere, anytime…UNTIL NOW! That’s right! You heard me! I spent so much time being nice to people that I missed out on the opportunity to explore my dark side. With only three months left, I’d better do it now! So I’m gonna spend my time trying to grief as many people as possible! Summer of Love? SCREW THAT! This is the Summer of HATE! WOOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

    And, wouldn’t you know it, there was that old familiar “bing bong” sound of a new sim on the lot, and there was TheCookingFamily once more: “All right! That’s it! This was the last straw! I just stopped by to tell everyone I’m leaving! I mean it! This time for real! I quit! Sayonara! Goodbye!”

    I ran to the next lot, where I saw the strangest sight: A life-sized statue of Will Wright. I’d seen custom content before, but this was impressive. But that wasn’t what made it a strange sight. What did it was the young lady prostrating herself before the statue.

    “Hail Maxis, full of grace…oh! Hello there! I was just finishing up my prayers.”

    “I hope I’m not disturbing you. Would you mind telling me who you are?”

    “No, you’re not disturbing me. I’m PBrewster5, but you can call me Punky. Have you come to hear The Gospel?”

    “Punky Brewster? Er, uh…no…not here for ‘The Gospel’. I was wondering if you could tell me your thoughts on the end of TSO.”

    “Maxis be praised! The game hasn’t ended! It will never really end! What a glorious gift from Maxis, Thy Will Wright be done! For it is written, ‘And Maxis so loved the world, that he gave his only game, The Sims, unto the online community.’ We true believers know that our sims won’t really die. For yeh, on the first day of the eight month we will experience the Second Coming of Sims, as EA-Land 2.0 is released! I believe! I believe!”

    And once again, you-know-who showed up: “All right! That’s it! This was the last straw! I just stopped by to tell everyone I’m leaving! I mean it! This time for real! I quit! Sayonara! Goodbye!”

    “lol you say that every week,” said Calvin_And_Hobbes_Sim, as he took a seat at the bubble blower. “Oh, and Punky? Not everybody believes in Maxis, you know.”

    “BLASPHEME! Such vile words can only come from one who’s fallen under the spell of The Prince of Darkness himself!”

    “Y-y-you mean SATAN?” I stammered.

    “No. Wit Peston!

    “Well…uh…yeah…anyhow, I’d like to talk to him, too. But he doesn’t play much any more, so he’s kind of hard to track down. Do you happen to know where his lot is?”

    “So, brave warrior, ye would do battle with the Hell-Spawn? Well, to reach his castle on the lowest level of The Abyss, you must cross the Flaming River Styx and survive a fight with his undead zombie minions. Only then may you knock six hundred and sixty six times on the Gates Of Hell, which will open briefly to allow you access to the Castle of Skulls. There you will watch in horror as his followers prance about naked before the fiery throne of their demon lord, a throne made from the skulls of the dead babies they feast upon and forged by Beelzebub himself. There upon the throne you will see him, as he quenches his thirst with a chalice full of blood from his latest victim. Beware! He lives! The Evil Lich-King Wit Peston! Maxis have Mercy!”

    “Um…yeah…so where is that?”

    “Oh, it’s just two lots North and one lot West. But beware the Lake of Toxic Waste, for any who enter…”

    “Yeah, ok, see ya latter…”

    “Maxis loves me, how do I know? Because the Terms of Service tell me so…”

    Arriving at the site of TSO’s most notorious player (well, other than Peter Ludlow), I was surprised to see a rather ordinary lot. No flaming river, toxic lake, or naked worshipers frantically dancing around a throne of skulls. No undead minions (though perhaps a few zombies), and certainly no corpses of dead babies. Just a bunch of glum-looking folks sitting around, rather bored.

    But then, their leader began to sob. Could he be upset about the game ending? I drew closer to hear their conversation.

    “Guys…I…I’m sorry. I have a confession to make: I’ve been sleeping with the enemy.”

    “You’re dating Punky? Ew. Just…ew.” said JackieTP.

    “No no no, nothing like that.”

    “All right! That’s it! This was the last straw! I just stopped by to tell everyone I’m leaving! I mean it! This time for real! I quit! Sayonara! Goodbye!”

    “Someone tell her to shut up, this is serious.”

    “So what did you mean by ‘sleeping with the enemy?’”

    “Well…um…I…I…I’ve been playing Second Life!”

    The crowd gasped.

    “I’m so ashamed…”

    I decided just to lurk, and not intrude on their private moment. Besides, I still wanted to find out how the tree farmers were fairing now that their business was destroyed.

    “Don’t worry about ME,” said TSO’s leading merchant SimoleanDude, “I’ve been planning for this day for the last two years. So who needs trees or rares anymore? Big deal! I got what you want: Commemorative TSO T-Shirts! We got yer basic ‘EA Sux’ t-shirt, we got yer ‘Five More Years’ t-shirt, we got yer print-out of the official shut-down notice with the words ‘Four Year Anniversary Gift’ stamped on it, we got yer ‘I played TSO for five years, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt’, we got…”

    “Um, ok…anybody else here like to add anything?”

    “Corr blimey, would you look at that! How ironic!”

    “Ironic, sir? Oh, and can I ask your name?”

    “My name? My name is AJ Downer. And yes, it’s ironic, the time that they are shutting the game down -- 11:45 GMT. Late morning for us citizens of Her Royal Majesty’s Greatest Country, Hail Unto Thee…while you silly Yanks who we let win the war in 1776 and another in 1812 will have to stay up until three in the morning if you want to play until the last moment! Bloody hell, they finally cater to the UK players, and they do it on the day the game is shut down!”

    “So, will you be there?”

    “Of course not! I quit the game years ago because there was too much sex in it. Now I play Sociolotron!”

    “But but but doesn’t that game revolve around sex?”

    “That’s not true! Why are you blokes always saying that? Just because it takes place in a dystopian Britain? Why do you Yankee barbarians who think tea should be drunk over ice with a mint julep in the glass always think that all we Brits do is run around spanking each others bums all day?”

    “So…you play Sociolotron just because it’s sort of a British game?”

    “Well what did you want me to do? Play Runescape?”

    And, right on cue, that familiar refrain: “All right! That’s it! This was the last straw! I just stopped by to tell everyone I’m leaving! I mean it! This time for real! I quit! Sayonara! Goodbye!”

    I still hadn’t gotten anyone to answer my question: What were they going to fight about, now that TSO is gone?

    Perhaps the moderators would be more professional. You could always count on them for that.

    “My kingdom…my beautiful kingdom…to be shut down after the game folds,” wept Aster’s Filly, “Whatever will I do?”

    Morton was firm, as always: “You’ll do your duty, like the rest of us. It clearly states in the RoC that upon termination of the game, we, the moderators, will also be terminated. I expect all of you to die with honor, and commit hari-kari by stapling yourselves in the stomach repeatedly until you die.”

    “WHAT? THAT’S NUTS! I QUIT!” shouted Trish-the-Fish.

    “Quit? QUIT? You can’t QUIT!” said Spunky. “A moderator quitting? Whoever heard of such a thing?”

    “Trish, don’t worry,” said Katheryne. “I’ll just use my techy skills to build some robo-clones of us to take our places on August first. Morton will never know the difference.”

    At this point, things got ugly. For the mere suggestion of using ‘bots was a capital offense, and poor Katheryne was clubbed to death with hard-cover copies of the Stratics Rulebook right before my very eyes.

    I didn’t stick around to see who it was that shouted, “Remember our official non-disclosure policy: NO WITNESSES.” Though she did have a British accent.

    Running for my life, I barely made it to the door. Still, as I was leaving, I heard someone say, “All right! That’s it! This was the last straw! I just stopped by to tell everyone I’m leaving! I mean it! This time for real! I quit! Sayonara! Goodbye!”

    I decided to try one more time, before throwing in the towel. But the final person I talked to, MsStatham, had very little to say: “TSO gone? Aw, rats!”

    So, with this question left unanswered, I leave it to YOU, dear reader, to post a response and tell me what to fight about now that TSO is gone…

    <center> # # # </center>


    The preceding story is fictional and for parody purposes only. Any similarities between actual persons, whether living, dead, or pixilated, is entirely coincidental. It‘s a joke, it‘s a joke, it‘s a joke…my swan song…goodbye, folks…I‘m gonna miss ya…

    [/ QUOTE ]

    O.K., now the serious part. Since the game is ending, this will probably be my last big goofy post. Sure, if someone says something profound, or silly, or funny, or stupid…well, yeah, of course I might still comment on it…and I’ve got a few more threads to poke into and wrap up or throw my two cents in…and maybe one more funny yet sad song to write about TSO‘s end…but that just about does it for this game.

    Still, I am a bit curious as to what’s going to happen on Stratics over the next three months. Will we still find things to fight over, blaming each other for why TSO is gone? Will the old battle lines still exist, or will the cheerleaders realize the folks trying to offer suggestions (though often vehement about it) were attempting to make the game more appealing and thus avoid this dark day? Will the suggesters realize the “rah-rahs” were trying to deflect criticism of the game for their own reasons, out of fear of loosing subscriptions if people saw that the game was flawed? Or will things be as Raisin put it: With nothing to fight over, can we all just get along and play? And was Gracie right? And to build upon her premise, would that mean we were all so set in our ways about how to play this game that we were doomed from the start to butt heads with one another? That it’s a common personality trait found in those who like The Sims?

    And on that note I’d like to say that anyone I’ve butted heads with over the years, I understand. You were just trying to save the game, tweak the game, love the game. I understand your passion, and share it, and forgive you for anything harsh you may have thrown my way…and hope y’all will extend me the same courtesy…hell, if Pit wants to make a movie based on the above, I’d even be fine with that…it’s over, man, you know? We were all like doctors, arguing fervently over what would save the patient.

    But the patient died, anyhow. It’s time to move on…
  2. I really hate long post's and get soooo bored by the time i get to the middle and never finish reading or commenting on them. But this...Has been worth the 1 1/2 it took me to read [​IMG] HAHA . Very funny . Thanks for the laugh i needed it.
  3. vapd3317

    vapd3317 Guest

    ROFLMAOPMP...now THAT was the best damn news story I have ever read on stratics. [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
  4. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Just Brilliant.
  5. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Thanks, folks...

    Humor helps me deal with things, and I felt with how down everyone is over the closure we could all use a little comic relief...August first we'll probably all be doing the group-hug thing, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...

    I just hope no one takes it the wrong way...
  6. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Some of that sounds familiar but I can't quite put my finger on it...
  7. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Oy, my head hurts! I'm not sure if it was from the laughing or the clubbing! [​IMG]

    If there was ever a post that needs to be copy/pasted into a text file somewhere and saved for future reading long after Sims Stratics rides off into the sunset with EA-Land, that was the one! [​IMG]