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Where I have been...(OT)

Discussion in 'UO Sonoma' started by Guest, Feb 6, 2002.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I couldn't drop this OT post in here and leave it sit. This should be a light hearted board. If you have some time, and can handle full tilt reality and pain, please read this:
    A Walk Through Hell

    Edited to add in (and thus perserve) the original text of the post on OT UHall for posterity...lest that link go dead in the near future. I hope that's alright, Ryan. ~Dor


    A Walk Through Hell

    This is the single most personal thread I have ever started and posted. The last six days of my life have been amazing. This is a true story of agony, triumph and self realization.

    Normally, I would post on the Sonoma Boards. It's my home, but this is a deadly serious topic, better left for those that are interested in reality, and not a game discussion. I want to thank Major Minor for making these forums a reality. He was one of the originals when I called Uhall my home. And so, my tale begins....

    Well, to start, 2001 was a trying year. I was sued, filed bankruptcy, and turned thirty. My job was stressfull, my roomate of three years declared he was moving out, and the reality of where my life was heading hit me.

    The month of November I shut down. Spoke to no one. People at work became distant, friends stopped calling.

    In December, I broke down. I had stared at my hand gun, placed against my head, and felt the cold barrel. "Just pull" I said, "just pull, its ok." The pain of my perceived failure was too much.

    December 4th, I was diagnosed with sever depression. Medication was prescribed, and I battled my disease. The medication failed me.

    December 26th, 10:41 am. I found myself,at 30, shaking in violent lunges as I cried violently in the bathroom of my work. I had lost my control mechanisms. My emotions were flowing with uncontroled furry. I was slipping. I visited the doctor and they placed me on disablity.

    December 28th, I told my mother on a phone call, that "If she and my father knew my pain, they would let me go." Sheriffs arrive, take my handgun. And I took a trip to the hospital. My doctor changes my medication, I begin therapy.
    Things look better.

    January 28th, I return to work, I am anxious, edgy, but I am happy to feel a part of the workforce. Emotionally, I am scattered in thought, full of energy and extremely high on adrenaline. Latter, this would be defined as "manic".

    January 29th, my doctor calls me at work and tells me that she needs to see me the next afternoon. She explains that the medication isn't working, and that she feels she is in over her head. I begin to loose hope.

    My mother is already in therapy. I begin to rationalize that I have destroyed my mother. I'm not thinking clearly, but I cannot be stopped. I formulate a plan. I decide to quit my job of four years. In my mind, at that time, I figured that if I could elimate my friends at work, then I could close that part of my life. And since I have "destroyed" my mother, I could then end my life.

    I tenure my resignation, and my boss (god bless her) of four years, refuses to let me go. She can see I am not well. Had she accepted my resignation, I would have driven to Benicia, and jumped off the bridge that spans the stretch of water there.

    As a child my father used to point out the "Mothballed" fleet when we took beautiful spring drives around there. I thought that it would be a focal point to look at as the concrete water embraced me. But, my boss stopped the plan...
    I went home to my folks, and released more pain.

    Wednesday, January 30th. On disability again. My doctor desperatly tries to find a way to stabilize me and makes an error that almost kills me outright. At this point, you that know me on the Sonoma Boards, get my last post around 2pm.
    My doctor figured that my medication was being taken in two doses of 150mg in the morning, and 150mg at night, like a "bookend", to balance my medication effectiveness. Her theory is that one dose at 300mg will raise me up in the morning, and let me "glide" until evening. The problem was the glide ended at 5pm, and I was still awake....

    A simple phone call set me off and I felt the depression choking me. I'm sliding. I want to die. I call my father and he tells me to get to their house now.

    The drive over....
    Sweet jesus how did I make that drive? I'm shaking. This bottomless pain is overwhelming. I am a failure. I'm alone at thirty. I have nothing. I am nothing. I grip the wheel and measure oncoming traffic. Cement trucks and large vehicles pass and through the stream of tears I tug at the wheel. Twice. I come close. I don't care. I want to drown in emptyness. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, and no one can hold me. I'm ashamed of the weakness. I am ashamed of the fact a man can't be like this. I WANT TO DIE.

    I realize I am at the turn to my parents house. Numb...

    I make it there. Over the next few hours, we get to a psych hospital. They evaluate me, and decide that I am borderline. I hide my torment well. In the end, I am staring at an admisions nurse, my father, and my mother. They ask me. "Ryan, it's your call, you can 5150 yourself". A 5150 is a medical or police tag that denotes a person is a threat to themselves or others. This status is usually involutary for the pacient, meaning they are taken into a psychiatric hospital for evaluation against thier will. They may be held there for 72 hours. My, decision was oxymoronic. I volunteered to go involutarily. lol

    This was the single bravest decision of my life.

    Could you do it? Commit yourself to a facility where you know you might run across others more unstable than yourself? I had to. I needed a Psychiatrist. You see, a doctor can diagnose and treat depression. Many are successfull. But a Psychiatrist makes mental problems thier career. They specialize in diagnosis and treatment of these disorders.

    So, you have stuck with me this far? Ok, it's all up here from here folks. First, they immediately cease all medications you are on. I see the psychiatrist the next morning and he diagnoses my as Bi-Polar. Simply put, it's a genetic condition that manifests itself as depression and manic states.

    What usually happens is that someone gets manic, they have all this energy and stay up for 16, 24, and 48 hours a time. Thier brain will go into overdrive. Ernest Hemingway, Michaelangelo and many other brillaint people are recognized as manic.

    Then flip side is the depression, marked by sleep, self abuse and fits of anger.

    The doctor gave me a specific medication called Depacote. On the lowest dosage, I gained instant clearity. I had no side-effects.

    Friday morning, I looked out over the Eastern skys of California from my window. I watched the sunrise, and cried. I could see the frost of the grass. The green-grey tinge to the creek, running below. The patterns of branches. And I thought "I get it." I understand now.

    The visit held so many things for me. So much self realization. Confidence, and strength. Self worth.

    All my life, I have wanted to be a Knight in shining Armor. Always. I have read about and studied the time periods in which chivalry was a word that held meaning. I thought myself to be born in the wrong time. I realize now, that I have always been what I wanted to be. I am a Knight.

    I know I don't have the horse, lance or armor. But I cut with my words and charge with my mind. I am chivalrous, brave, resolute and honorable. I am a Knight.

    I had to let you all know the depths of this disease. I am still a long way from done with this battle. It will take close medication monitoring and therapy. I need to rediscover who I am and learn to live life, instead of exist in it.

    One last thing, I thought about all of you when was in the hospital. I thought about what to say, lies, ways to soften or hide this. But I can't cheat you of that. It is what it is. Judge me if you will, but the flame exists to show your problems not mine.

    It's time to live now. I WANT TO LIVE NOW

    Sometimes, one must walk though the flames of hell to rescue ones soul.

    God bless you all,

    Ryan Tauscher

  2. Ascension

    Ascension Guest

    Best of luck to you on your journey.
  3. Darling,
    I am so proud of you, and I was so frightened for you.
    I am very very very pleased you finally got the help you needed. I am, as always, here for you, no matter what.

    I love ya hun!

  4. Dragon Valor

    Dragon Valor Guest

    I was worried about you damnit!
    I cant begin to type/say/whatever
    how happy I am that you are ok!

    Goodess you scared the living popcorn out
    of your friend! /php-bin/shared/images/icons/biggrin.gif

    Pax Vobiscum!!
  5. spinkickr

    spinkickr Guest

    it is good to see you my friend

    you know, anything in my ability to help you, just ask

    as always, take care
  6. I rather wish you had posted that here. We really do care what's happening with you, Ryan. *hugs again*

    I feel badly now that I didn't call. I would like to talk to you by this weekend. *smiles* It's ironic...when I remember your face, all I can see is that wonderful smile of yours...and whenever I thought of that, it would make me smile, too...

    You are also seriously one of the best huggers around. I guess that's apropos of nothing, but I wanted to toss it in there anyway...because that stuck with me, too.

    Heh...I can tell I should be asleep instead of babbling. Thank you, guy. You added to my life, and to Devin's, just in the short period of time you were here. Please remember that, and know that I have always felt the richer for having met and spent time with you.

    Stay strong, and I will try to keep your smile safe for you. I will also try to remember to call this time. *coughs*

  7. Guest

    Guest Guest

    As someone who knows where you are coming from Ryan, I'd like to share you something that has gotten me through the dark times :

    "I am happy with who I am now. Everything that has happened in my past has made who I am today. I am happy with who I am today."

    Whatever doesn't kill you, does indeed make you stronger my friend.
  8. Ryan,

    I know sometimes it's hard to draw the line because this is after all a game we play to enjoy ourselves. But you should know that the bonds and relationships formed by the people punching keys and clicking are real. From the reponses you are getting you aware that the people here are your real friends, and we care about you.

    With that in mind always know that we are here to support you, wherever life leads you. So let us know what's going on- if you need anyone to talk to by all means call!

    I am Ryan's friend.

  9. BranWyn

    BranWyn Guest

    OMG that was STUNNING and AMAZING!!!

    Ryan what you were able to do is incredible proof at how strong you really are :)

    and "Everything that has happened in my past has made who I am today. I am happy with who I am today."

    boy is that true :)
  10. BobMcForge

    BobMcForge Guest

    Strength and Honor, friend Ryan. You obviously have both, and I am glad you're still around.

    Your friend.

  11. KDSonoma

    KDSonoma Guest

    as I read that long post, it only took me 3 or 4 paragraphs before I said to myself "hes bipolar".

    Why would I say that so early and then be proven right at the end of your story?

    Well, a bit about my RL.

    My wife and I decided that we wanted 3 kids a long time ago. Actually she wanted 12, I wanted one, we compromised at three. *grins*

    We had a daughter 10 yrs ago, our first, and everything went fine, no real side effects, etc.

    Then 5 yrs ago our lives changed overnight, literally.

    My wife had our second child, also a girl. Well, we were both so happy, cause we were so nervous with the first one (a C section btw), and with the second one we were very relaxed (after all, we had done this before).

    So my wife is happy as a clam, and seems to have endless energy at times right before the baby was born, and immediately after.

    I wake up one night at 3am and shes vaccuming the house. Hmm, ok, she wants it to be clean for the new baby, thats ok, shes always had a fetish for cleaning.

    So we have the baby, and almost immediately afterwards, she starts acting irrationally. At first, I figured it was all those chemicals flying around in her body, and this is something that will pass.

    Well, another day later, and now shes talking weird. Shes saying irrational things, shes so insistent on breast feeding the baby (which is something we agreed on ahead of time, but shes almost obsessed with it at this time).

    So flags start flying all around me, but looking back I see them clearly. At the time, I thought she was having a nervous breakdown.

    So then the next day shes watching TV and says that we need to go down to the station and get on TV. WTF? She explains that the Dr that delivered the baby needs to go with us, since hes the perfect Dr and this baby can help solve all the worlds problems. WTF?

    Then she looks at me and says shes the messenger of God. DOH! OK, this is outta control, and shes got this weird look in her eyes now, and I cant reason with her.

    She grudgingly goes to the Dr with me, and the Dr says this is something hes not trained to handle, so he gets us an appt in an hr with a psychiatrist or psychologist (I forget which one prescribes the meds).

    So we go to this office, and Im freaking out, she wont let me have the baby, shes becoming more unstable, and now shes talking about depressive things. Like how bad a mom she is, etc. WTF?

    So the Dr asks her 3 questions.

    Question 1: Can you conquer the world? Answer: Yes, absolutely, I can do anything!


    Question 2: Do you feel you have endless energy? Answer: Absolutely.


    Question 3: Are you the messenger of God? (the Dr had told him of this on the phone earlier). Answer: Of course I am, Im here to fix everything for everyone.


    The Doc looks at me and says "Shes bipolar. We need to get her hospitalized asap, as shes cycling faster than anyone Ive ever seen."

    WOW, what the heck was all this? Well, we got her to the hospital, and that took me 3 hrs to get her admitted. In that time, she started cycling faster (from manic to depressive).

    At first it was every 15 min or so. By the 3rd hour it was every 20 seconds or so, and I was enraged. I went to the nurse, who was eating her dinner, and I said "Maam, I know this may not look liek an emergency to you, cause u deal with this every day, but my wife is cycling every 20 seconds now, and she needs to get medicated asap. Shes going to have a heart attack, and there isnt enough money in this hospital to pay me when I sue you for letting that happen."

    Arg, that was incredible that they would do that.


    So I get her checked in, upstairs, and before I left, I wanted to make sure that she got started on her meds. Again I had to fight nurses that told me they would wait another hour before the docs arrived to start her on the prescribed meds.

    At this point, I was a mess. I was absolutely at my wits end, and was dealing with something that I knew nothing about.

    So I pulled a nurse aside, and said "Please check her for cycling, watch how fast shes doing this, and realize shes gonna have a heart attack if u dont intervene. Then call whatever Dr u need to call, and start her meds. Im not leaving till she has those first meds, and Im absolutely worn out now, so im going to get much angrier very soon."

    He looked at me and said he would do that, and he did it asap, and called for another Dr, who authorized the meds.

    Finally I saw her take the meds, and then I left. I sat in my car outside in the parking lot and cried for 15 minutes. I was leaving my wife in a mental institution (a voluntary one), and had a newborn and a 5 yr old girl to deal with, as well as a new job.

    Things looked pretty crappy. But it got worse.

    The next day I went to work, explained my situation, and asked if I could take brief half days at times to help her get thru this. They agreed, and I worked my ass off every day just to have time to go see Janice.

    I saw her every single day she was in the hospital.

    The first day after she was admitted, I went and was lucky enough to catch her Dr, and asked how she was doing. She didnt look much different to me, although I knew this wasnt going to be "fixed" overnight. He said she was settling down and seemed fine for now, but this would be a long process.

    Then in the discussion, I asked about what meds she was on, so I could go look them up on the internet, along with bipolar, and other words they used for her disease, so I could learn more about what we were dealing with.

    Well, he said she refused meds since last night and hadnt had any since those first ones I saw her take. I said "REFUSED MEDS?". The Dr went on to explain that in Texas mental patients have the right to refuse meds. He said they offer them once, if refused, they bring back 15 min later, and if refused, they skip it.


    I said "You mean to tell me that a person like my wife, who is paranoid about everything, and is manic/depressive, is allowed to decide if she should take meds? Even when all the Drs know she needs em?"

    He said "yes".

    Arg, what the hell kind of world was this? So I went down and talked to Janice, and sure enough, she was more paranoid than before, and felt everyone was trying to poison her. And since Janice was a registered nurse, and a smart one at that, she asked for all the warning lables for each med.

    She claimed she was having chest pains from the first meds, since that was a possible side effect.

    Sheesh. This was getting ugly. Then the mother in law arrived. And things hit rock bottom, or almost rock bottom.

    The mother in law looks at me and said "This isnt my fault". WTF? Who said this was anyone's fault? Anyways, I convinced Janice to take her meds, and the nurse on duty seemed mad that I was being so forceful in getting those meds to be taken.

    She kept telling Janice that she had the right to refuse them. Arg. So finally I said to the nurse "Maam, shes going to get her meds, because thats what the Dr ordered."

    She responded "You cant force her to take them". This is where I lost it again.

    I replied, "Maam, I love this woman, and I will do ANYTHING to get her thru this and healthy again, and we WILL do that, even if I have to get a court order to take her home and sit on her and stuff the meds in her mouth that the Dr orders!"

    hehe, the mother in law didnt respond, and its probably good that she didnt.

    So then I had a brainstorm, and I asked Janice if she would sign a statement saying that the nurses were to call me within 10 min if Janice ever refused meds again. She was still confused, but she still trusted me, and she signed that statement. That further pissed off the nurses, but I used their own rules against them, to the benefit of my wife.

    She never refused meds after that.

    Anyways this is already the longest message ever for me, so Ill short cut the rest.

    Mother in law a week later says this to me (in front of my 5 yr old daughter): "You better get used to the fact that your wife is going to be in a mental institution for the rest of her life".


    I took her to another room and I told her "If you EVER say that in front of my daughter again you will NEVER see your grandkids for the rest of your life. You are wrong, and saying it in front of Katie was absolutely inappropriate. If you want to say bad things to me, then tell me when we are alone, and Ill deal with that. if you want to criticize my choices, then do it when we are alone. I dont think thats asking for too much."

    I then stormed off with my daughter.

    The next day, an amazing thing happened. My mother in law took me aside and apologized to me. DOH!

    From that point on, it was a bit better, but Janice suffered thru 2 weeks in the hospital, came home for a week, relapsed, and was in another 2 weeks.

    She was better from then on, and was "triggered" only once (2 yrs later), and came close to being triggered prob 4 times in that period.

    Since then Janice has been perfect and continues to take her meds.

    But our lives were changed forever. I used to sleep so soundly that u would have to hit me hard to wake me up. But since that first day of Janice being biploar, I learned that she had gone without sleep for 4 nights in a row before it got triggered. WOW. So from then on, Ive monitored her sleep every night. I wake up to the slightest noise now, and thats been a huge drain on me physically.

    The one time she was triggered was the worst day of my life. She was acting different, and I was watching her closely, but I figured one more good nights sleep and she would be fine. Well ... I took the kids to gymnastics, and when I got home, her car was gone.

    I knew this was a problem, as she promised she would take a nap while I got the kids. Her keys were gone, her purse was still home. Arg!

    We checked everywhere, and finally after some time, my mom came and stayed with my kids, and I spent about 7 straight hrs driving around looking for her car.

    It was below freezing that night, and one of our thoughts was she might drive to Dallas to see her sister. But she didnt have enough gas to get there, and no ID, no money, credit cards, etc.

    We notified DPS, and everyone we could, and I drove around like a madman looking for her.

    At one point I slammed on my breaks driving thru a parking lot, and stopped just short of slamming my car into a lightpole. Sheesh. I was worn out, I was upset, I was sure something bad had happened, and I was helpless to do anything about it.

    Finally around 1am I drove home, hoping someone had found her, but no luck. I told my mom that I needed sleep, and would sleep 3 hrs and then get up and start looking again the next morning.

    Well, I fell asleep, and then i heard the alarm ringing. Well, I was so tired I thought it was the alarm, but my mom came in and handed me the phone, saying it was the police.

    That shocked me to my senses, and the instant before I answered a thousand bad things went thru my head. is this the call everyone hates to get? The one where they want u to come ID the body?

    I paused, took a deep breath, and said "hello?" The police said they found Janice, that she was alive, and at their jail, and was singing "Hogans Heroes" at a grocery store that was nearby to the workers.

    A huge rock had been lifted off my shoulders, but amazingly my first thought after relief was "I didnt know Hogans Heroes had words to their song?" ROFLMAO.

    Well, like Billy Crystal said in that movie, that was his best day, and his worst day. It was for me too.

    So morals to all of this? Well, Im glad you were diagnosed, and depakote os one of the 3 drugs my wife continues to take. its a mood stablizer. I expect lithium is another one, because studies show a shortage in lithium in most bipolar people.

    The best news is bipolar, while a crappy disease, is treatable, and u can and will go on to live your life as normally as before this happened, as long as you follow Dr's orders (usually get good consistent sleep and always take the meds).

    One of the downsides of bipolar is that its passed on to other family members sometimes. And people may have it and never get triggered. or they may get triggered at earlier ages.

    From my studies on the net and thru Doctors, bipolar people get triggered thru stress. In my wifes situation, it was childbirth and lack of sleep.

    My wife and I constantly monitor our daughters sleep, and stress levels, becasue since Janice is bipolar, we dont know if either or both of them are bipolar too.

    Good luck on the recovery, u certainly arent alone. Stats I read say 12% of Americans are bipolar, but many go thru their lives without being triggered.

    Best of luck, and dont ever give up on yourself.

    Oh one last thing. One of my best friends in life (not a UO player or I wouldnt post this here) talked to me when Janice seemed the most sick. He said "Dave, shes a mess. U should dump her".


    I did everything I could do to not hit him in the face. I couldnt believe he would say that. To this day I havent talked to him again. Unfortunately, thats also a trait among many bipolar people. Their loved ones that dont see this as a disease will give up on them and leave. Well, Janice knows thats never happening to her, and shes absolutely kicking its butt!

    If she can do it, you can do it, and it sounds like you have a lot of great family support. Thats awesome! So kick its butt!

    KDs player
  12. Sonoma Sam

    Sonoma Sam Guest

    Ryan, obviously I'm but one of many many who wish you the very best...

    Reading your post, it's clear your character is sufficient to get through this. For now, know that I will be thinking of (and praying for) you.
  13. Ryan,
    We are all praying for you man, i hope you get better and the best of luck to you =)

    I never knew that =(
    It sounds such a hard thing to deal with i may know someone who might be getting it, I'll go talk witht them, it might just be stress but im not taking any chances, Best of Luck to you and Janice =)
  14. Guest

    Guest Guest

    KD, thank you for taking the time to tell me that. The day that I saw the psychiatrist, he asked me when I recalled having swings or "cycles". I named them. I had only three cycles and they started December 26th at 10:43 am. He looked at me and blinked. He told me that I would be the easiest pacient he had ever had. My cycles began only 6 weeks ago. And the greatest episode of Manic (the sleepless side) was in the hospital the day I was admitted. 28 straight hours of no sleep.

    Your wife suffered a much stronger reaction. Her cycles were spinning so fast that she became delussional. It's so hard for someone that has never gone though this to fathom the absolute chaos this genetic condition creates. I mean, lets face it, can we blame someone for thinking a person who clames to be a "messenger from god" is not insane?

    Let me be clear to those of you that don't understand this. This is not insanity. It's a genetic condition that unbalances brain chemicals. If left untreated, it can cause serious mental conditions latter.

    My diagnosis wasn't a 100% match for Bi-Polar disorder. In fact, the only thing that we know for sure is that my medication (Depakote and Saraquell) are TOTALLY controling the problem at the very minimum dosages.

    Thanks KD for your courage in sharing that. I'm humbled by your words. Thank you.

  15. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I was nervous last night when I posted that message. Everyones maturity, support and care has really helped. To put it bluntly, I kicked ass and took names today. I grow stronger each day. Next week I have about 40 hours of classes and therapy. But it's important to let you all know you NEED to raz me and treat me like normal. Because I am normal. I expect it. I need to return to where I was. lol

    I feel great. I am glad to be alive. And I am humbled, honored and in awe of your support, thank you all SO much.

  16. Kerrigan_DP

    Kerrigan_DP Guest

    Glad you are feeling better Priam!

    Now, get yer rear to a Fel Dungeon. Just dont forget the payment! *grin*

    Take care, friend
  17. Guest

    Guest Guest

    *laughs* Well you remember me in Ice?

    IC:I gave Bacci a free flag off my horse and we crossed blades. Next time, I won't be distracted by spectators, and you can expect that your blackmailing ways will come to an end. /php-bin/shared/images/icons/biggrin.gif
  18. BranWyn

    BranWyn Guest

    Well I was having a 2 hr convo with 2 buds at a Kinko's in Encino tonite about mental disorders and the relationship between genetics and environment and was getting into some very interesting theories as to why other countries do not *seem* to have the problems that America does (in terms of serial killers/depression/fetishes) and some guy came up to us and asked me to be on some TV show discussing the matter ! DOH...I gotta learn to keep quiet in public...
    *no ones real names were discussed on the matter and I didn't even mention the game and as I have a strict policy of not being in any TV/Movie/Photos I wouldn't do it anyway*
    But KD holy smokes ... makes me wish I would have finished school in Psychiatry instead of Architecture :p
    This stuff is so fascinating...its amazing what the brain is capable of doing when genetics and stress winds it up...

    Priam it took alot of power for you to tell your brain that you were in charge :) Keep up the good work !
  19. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I think it can all be summed up in that word :


    I'm really glad you're feeling better Priam. I can't imagine what it must have been like.

    And I'll help you kick Kerrigan's ass if he tries to charge you hehehe /php-bin/shared/images/icons/smile.gif
  20. Kerrigan_DP

    Kerrigan_DP Guest

    Come foul fiends, Ill eat Priam for lunch and pick my teeth with the bones O' Miraz.

    Hows THAT for mental imagery? *grin*
  21. spinkickr

    spinkickr Guest


    As I said last night, there is so much I want to tell you, so here goes

    I remember you from when I first started posting, my very first day even. I remember, as I started posting more and more, how you did not post as much as the others but how I always read what you had to say, how you were always insightful, respectful, the kind of poster, the kind of person I want to be
    As time has passed, I have gotten to know you, become friends, had an incredible time meeting you, and still look forward to your posts
    I wish I lived closer to you, though you would likely get sick of me :p
    You are good, and kind, and noble, and strong, and brave. You are a rare creature these days, my friends, someone worth knowing, someone to set an example by, someone to draw from. You are a good person, a good friend, and one of the reasons I am still here at stratics, I am glad I know you, and hope to continue knowing you for a long time yet to come
    (I would continue, but all this coherance is hard for me :-0 )
    P.S. Sky needs your help, ive been bullying him around at the Y :p
  22. Amroth.

    Amroth. Guest

    Priam, i do know what your going through as i suffer from depression also.
    And i am happy that youve come to the point in your life where you can conquer it.

    Im not being stupid but it is kind of encouraging for me man. Thanks.
  23. KDSonoma

    KDSonoma Guest

    Priam, you are damn right you are normal. Thats one of the things that I fight every day in life when I tell someone about my wife being bipolar. The "stigma" attached to any mental illness is saddening.

    But to be honest, I didnt have a lot of sympathy about mental illness before my wife was triggered. Now that its touched my family, I have a much better understanding for it, and appreciation for the families and friends of those that suffer these horrible illnesses.

    I am now a mental health advocate, and in my job as Chief Financial Officer for a midsize Texas Public School District, Ive gone to bat for employees with mental illnesses many times. Its sad how most people just dont understand mental illnesses tho.

    My wife was very embarassed when she finally recovered that first time and knew what she had. She got that thinking from her mom (who is still in denial about Janice having any illness).

    So early on, I made a point to be as blunt as possible when talking about Janice. I dont hide that shes bipolar, because I know that by being so forthcoming about it, I give her strength to deal with it without feeling ashamed.

    She did nothing wrong. Her body had a disease that got triggered. It wont go back from there, but it is treatable, and Im there every single day to pump her up and remind her how proud I am that she kicks butt every day.

    And it is frustrating for her. She was one of the smartest people I ever met, and to see her when she was so sick just crushed me. One time she was laying down in the front yard, just crying. Neighbors thought she had gone mad. But I got her up, gave her a hug, and talked her thru that night.

    Im not Mr. Perfect. But I figure my purpose in life is to be here for Janice and our kids. I love her more today than I did before she got sick. I treat her the same way I always have, because when shes on medication and getting good sleep, shes THE SAME OLD TOOTS (my RL nickname for her).

    U made a good point about treating u the same. Many that dont understand mental illnesses (bipolar or other ones) are afraid to talk to their friends that have those illnesses. I see it every so often. But Janice recognizes it too, and comes right out and tells them to just be themselves.

    Whats fascinating about being bipolar is that Janice remembers doing and saying all the things she did when she was triggered. But she says its like there was a loose connection in her brain. She knew it didnt make much sense, but she had no control over it.

    And everyone has different reactions. With Janice it was religious delusions, with others it may be suicidal tendencies. Its all kinda unique to the person thats bipolar.

    Oh one funny thing. Janice and I had always had great senses of humors, so we always joked about stuff, and when she said she was the messenger of God, I couldnt help myself and asked her for the winning lottery numbers for that nights drawing. *grins*

    Course then I thought about it and realized I better play any numbers she said just IN CASE she really was a messenger of God. *grins*

    She was so confused by then that she couldnt give me any answers though, and I kinda felt bad about asking her at that point, even tho it was just a joke. Later she told me she remembered me asking, and not being able to think clearly, but also laughing to herself later when she started thinking more clearly a week or so later. So I felt better.

    So kick its butt, Priam! Just take it one day at a time. And if u ever have a bad day and want to talk to someone to blow off steam or anything else, icq me and Ill be happy to talk. Sounds like u have a lot of other friends willing to do the same.

  24. Janice rocks. :)

    Everytime I see her, I enjoy her even more. All my memories of time spent with her are good ones, but for some reason, a couple in particular stand out: That incredibly nifty, funky restaurant that y'all took us to in July (can't remember the name, just the GREAT music) on her recommendation. She was just so fun and comfortable to be with...and didn't even mind when I hollered at the kids. *laughs* I was half-expecting to get whacked for that, but it was my mom instincts inadvertantly kicking in, and she recognized that. She is a very perceptive person. :)

    The other was when we were driving back to the house that day, and she started to fill me in on the different areas, for house-hunting purposes. It surprised me that she had put so much thought into my situation...and that she understood exactly what I needed and would thrive in. Since I generally color outside the lines, I am unused to that level of understanding from most folk I meet...but she was utterly accepting and non-judgemental, and made me feel that it was a Good Thing to be who I am.

    She is a very warm, wonderful and intelligent woman. Please give her a hug from me...thanks! :)
  25. KDSonoma

    KDSonoma Guest

    hehe, thx Dor, you are a perceptive one yourself. And yes, Toots is amazing.

    Ill give her an extra hug in a sec from you, she will really appreciate the kind words.

    As for the restaurant, it was Threadgill's, an Austin original kinda place. Nice place to go eat, even if u have to drag kids along to do it. *smiles*

  26. Wisty

    Wisty Guest

    I just want to say a couple short things to you (I already replied to Priam a couple times on UHallOT):

    Janice was/is so lucky to have you!

    I wish I'd had a husband or close friend like you when I was going through my time (not bi-polar or manic) which I had to crawl out all by myself, mostly -- but just as well. I did have a lot of online encouragement and friends later on, when I ended my marriage, my choice, his too.

    I wish you all the best of luck!
  27. hmm.. wow.. thank you so much for posting this priam..
    i hadn't read the boards for a day or 2, and just a few minutes before i got onto the forum i asked my best friend to go with me to the mental health clinic here..
    i have sort of always known i was bipolar, but i never really cared or thought anything of it other than, thats just how i was supposed to be..
    then about september/october of last year things started going downhill after i moved away from home for the first time, for college.. then my boyfriend dumped me, who i was/am thoroughly in love with... which happened exactly at the week of midterms, causing me to get my first D's ever (i put alot of stress on my grades).. then after that i sort of threw myself into picking my grades back up, and i slowly got more and more miserable.. then finally, 5 days before the end of Fall semester i decided i drop out of my classes for Spring, and come home to take a break and "figure things out"..

    so i came home, things we're pretty nice for about a month.. then i couldn;t find a job.. all my friends went back to school, and i realized i had nothing to do... that became really depressing.. and as i am still really good friends with the guy who broke up with me, i talk to him daily, and see him occasionally... which just became more and more painful to me..

    so i kind of got stuck in a very bad downward spiral ending today.. i spent the day with my best friend and my ex.. i was being just incredibly mean every single comment i could fit in.. it was horrible, and made me feel horrible.. then driving home i continued to feel horrible, and realized: the only reason i was being mean and acting stupid, is because i can't show how much i'm hurting... so then, being as i'm driving.. and realizing how awful everything is, and how much everything hurts... hmm.. theres handy telephone poles and power lines all along the road.. soo.. i kind of went off the road, and continued to speed up and torn towards the pole... well.. at the last minute i realized " hey, my car is too nice to hurt" soo i turned up back onto the road rather in shock at myself..
    soo.. thats pretty much where i'm at now.. i finally figured out that no matter how much i put on appearances of being okay, i'm not really...

    soo umm.. the lesson here is.. get help, because it probably will get worse...

    but anyway.. thanks for posting this.. people do need to hear it..
  28. KDSonoma

    KDSonoma Guest

    thx Wistaria for the kind words, but to be honest, I think I got the best of the deal with Janice marrying me.

    I first met Janice when we were both working for a local HEB grocery store. I was a cashier, she was a carry-out, and I was telling a Monty Python joke to a regular customer, and she finished the punchline.


    I turned around and saw her for the first time (later she said she spent 3 hrs sacking at my register trying to get me to notice her, hehe).

    So I asked her out, and our first date was March 15, 1980. *beware the ides of March*

    We went to see the Steve Martin movie "The Jerk", and I was joking with her and asked her to marry me on that first date. She didnt blink and repled "YES", which shocked me, and then we both had a good laugh about it.

    I still tell her to this day that she had all kinds of red flags about me (ides of march, "the Jerk" movie, etc.), and if she went on and married me anyways, thats her fault. *grins*

    At our wedding, I wanted to be sure to say our vows so EVERYONE could hear in the church (I always hated weddings where they whispered the vows). So when it came time to say them, I said them in a loud and proud voice. I wish we had this on video tape, but she still swears when I said "all the days of our lives" to her that it sounded LIKE A THREAT. *grins*

    At our wedding, our niece, who was the flowergirl and age 4 at the time, typed a short story "A grocery store love affair", it was awesome. Something along these lines: "There once was a man named David, who met a girl named Janice. They both worked in a grocery store and then got married". ROFL. WE had hundreds of copies of that printed and handed them out at the wedding.

    I still have one copy left in our wedding pics.

    And I wont ever forget the day I threatened Janice to love her "all the days of our lives". *grins* Janice made me what I am today, so u can all blame her. Shes the one that understands how much I love UO and the people there, and she has always done everything she can to help me. So its only fair that I was there for her at her most trying times. After all, I was just making good on my threat. *grins*